October 6, 2009

OK- I'm only recalling things for a couple of reasons
1. I am still amazed that I made it through
2. I want to make it clear how exactly I handled such bad news
and I won't be reliving this every year...this is it!

It was a Tuesday- I had a biopsy the Thursday before and the Doctor told me that I should call the office on Wednesday (Oct 7th) for results.  I was to call because I could be somewhere where I would want to be to receive my results.  He said he would call me sooner if it wasn't cancer.

I went to work which is actually in my parent's home.  I have an office there I work out of.  I hadn't actually started working because I was having a hard time getting up those days and I would get to work and chat with my mother for a bit.  I was praying every morning and every night- so that is part of the reason my days would get delayed.

Phone rings
Mom:  Danielle it's Bobbie (not her real name)
Me: Hello Bobbie (by now I was thinking oh it's going to be good news)
Bobbie:  Hi Danielle- Are you somewhere where you can talk?
Me: Yes
Bobbie:  Remember what we talked about at your appointment?  (If you would like to hear about that appointment I back posted it- because I wasn't sure about posting it at all it's HERE)
Me: Yes
Bobbie:  It is malignant(((((((((no idea what exactly was said here- some sort of cancer details))))))))))))
Me:  What was the name again?
Bobbie: Invasive Ductal Carcinoma
Me:  Can you spell that?
Me: I wrote it out.....and that's all I remember of that phone call

I guess I told my mom that yes it's cancer.
I must have called Rob and don't remember that conversation.  Rob was working.
Called my father, but couldn't reach him.  Dad was at golf.
Called Rob's parents.  They were going to go to Rob, but I couldn't remember where he was working.

Then it was mom and me- that morning when I was leaving my house I took a sheet with scriptures I was reading and I asked my mom to sit down with me and I would say them.

God's Word will bring you into the Presense of the One who loves you most.  
True Happiness isn't found in the absences of trials.
It is found in the Presence of Jesus.  Even in the midist of our storm, Jesus promises to give us hope and strength to overcome.
Knowing Him is knowing true Peace with your heart.  When you fellowship with Him, nothing or no one can take away that Peace.
Spending time with Jesus shuts all doors of darkness.  With Jesus, comes strength, great courage and fortitude to endure all things.
Phillippians4

There were other scriptures, but this 1st one is so powerful even to me now.  How fitting it was.  That just happened to be the hand-out that night at healing mass at St. Mary's.
So as the scripture said - I spent a lot of time with Jesus!  That's how I could do it...with faith in God.

I don't remember everything so well and that's good.  I know I didn't cry.  I do remember that day mom taking me to Wegmans and the book store.  How funny - but I think we were both thinking "research and eating to cure my cancer".

The days that followed were a lot of praying, talking, walking, reading, and meditating.  I found so much comfort in my parents.  I found myself distant from Rob and especially Lucas- I was terrified of having to cause them any pain.  It felt better to keep away from them- so if anything bad did happen it wouldn't be so painful.  It's wierd how that works and feels when you are so afraid of dying.

Recently my dad remembered that this day was approaching because of his golf outing....that day he got the call before sitting down with his buddies to eat; he told his friends he couldn't stay and came right home.  He was already getting me in touch with other women and researching hospitals.
Dad said to me just the other day when he mentioned about it- "We're the better for it Danielle"
He's right...even though at times it doesn't feel that way- we are.