Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Well Surgery is on Thursday

I had my pre-appointments and well.....it's quite the surgery. I love both my surgeons. Looks like I will be getting a sort of balloon inserted to where my breast tissue was and then it will be expanded to reach a breast size. I will go home with drains and won't be sleeping on my stomach any time too soon. :( Small price to pay. Will there be pain? AH yeah. Am I scared? Only sometimes but you see when you are fighting for your life back it doesn't seem so bad. I'm fighting for my life with my wonderful family.

Some day I hope I can help someone as much as the people I have met help me. I know I have a road ahead of me, but I want to make every one proud of me. I want to teach Lucas that in times of adversity we fight and put our trust in GOD.

I am feeling good today and have a to pick up a few things before we leave.

I thank God everyday for healing me. I can't tell you how lucky I feel to have my doctor find my tumor. I know in my heart that God had lead me to where I am. How lucky was I to have a beautiful wedding? How interesting I didn't get pregnant; that could have held off on my diagnosis. How strange or was it God working on my healing before I even knew I was sick. How strange I did have a huge breast pain, when they say breast cancer doesn't come with pain. Sometimes I cry because I think of what could have been- but then I thank God for everything he has given me. At times God does speak to me in the funniest ways. The other night I was trying to say my prayers and talking to God about trying to be more of a fighter. At the same time Lucas is yelling "mom" and I was almost mad because I was praying and then I was like - I get it- I have to fight for Lucas. Then I was like ~I hear you God.

Please pray for me on Thursday. I would like to have my lymph nodes clear, but what ever it is it has to be taken care of. I certainly don't want them missing any cancer cells. I have a good feeling about them. I have finally offered up all my worrying about them to God. Rob was so sweet last night. I was asking him if he's up to taking care of me with drains and all the other stuff. He told me not to ask and not to thank him. He keeps saying we will get through this and we will be able to help someone else one day. I am so lucky to have Rob. I don't know what I would do without him. One time he told me "We're going to get through this even if I have to pull you through"

I also had a little talk with Lucas. I felt like I had been so wrapped up in my decisions that I hadn't been there enough. I told him that even if I am busy with all this stuff and not feeling well I want him to know he can talk to me. It has been him and I for so long and we've been through so much I can't imagine him feeling like he couldn't come to me with anything. The above pictures are from him last meet. Seeing him run his heart out makes me want to fight even harder.

My parents- I can't say enough about all they do for me. Back and forth to the city, talking with me, making us dinner, taking us to lunch and dinner. Last night driving home from NY I was sad and then they get sad and nervous. I need to be stronger for their sake. I worry about them. I don't want to them to worry about me. My mother keeps telling me I'll be fine and my father keeps telling me he'll be my muscle.

My mother in law has been great with doing anything from looking for rooms, making us dinner, watching Lucas, watching Karl, looking stuff up on the Internet - like great questions. I was unable to go on the Internet and look stuff up because of fear so she did it for me.

My bro and sister in law. They are so thoughtful in keep up prayer for us. They are there in waiting to do whatever we need. From watching Lucas and or Karl, to words and jokes of encouragement to gifts. It's amazing to have siblings that would do whatever you ask to help.

ps. My mom and Becky gave me some great after surgery clothing and more. Also got some great cards I plan on reading over and over again. I'm so lucky.

If you want to say a prayer for me here is a surgery prayer:
"In the Name of Jesus, I pay for (Name), that the two-edged sword of the Holy Spirit sever anything that is not of You, and I thank You, and I praise You."
That's a great prayer for anyone going into surgery.

Well St. Theresa and I are off. Well and the whole family too.


Friday, October 23, 2009

Life is good.

Yesterday was a stressing day. Not sure why but it sort of ruined my night.

Today I said my prayers and decided to remember that God is right with me. A friend told me about Kris Carr and I really enjoyed her blog. Haven't been going on blogs, but I really enjoyed this one. She has a great attitude and I may get her book.

My genetic test was negative- meaning I don't have the gene mutation for breast and ovarian cancer. That is great news. I was considering surgery on my other breast based on that test, but actually not sure if that was the right thing to do. So my lefty stays- yeah! It seemed sinful to actually get rid of a body part out of fear.

Last night I was hard on Rob because I was fearing chemo and the side effects and how it sucks for him. But this whole thing is going to be a gift for the both of us. I am getting closer to getting sick of fearing everything. My surgeon at Sloan didn't discuss chemo, because it's all like a puzzle and we still need pieces to figure out the treatment.

I will be traveling with my parents Sunday night to NY; my pre-surgical tests are scheduled for 10:30am Monday. I will meet my plastic surgeon at 2:30.
How nice and sweet is this outfit:

I like polyvore- found this picture in my picture file

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Days do get better

I will be having my surgery at Sloan. I am so happy with my surgeon and will meet with my plastic surgeon to go over my reconstruction.

Prayer has gotten so much better and I keep finding signs from above. I am actually feeling prayer. I don't know how to explain it but I feel it. Again at my appointment with my surgeon I closed my eyes and felt St. Theresa with me. It's like I have my own little angel with me.
Another thing that happened- driving to NYC we were a little lost in NJ (no Reed was not driving) and I was looking out my window and I seen the most beautiful picture of Jesus. Then I seen a picture of Mother Theresa. Mother Theresa is the person my priest spoke to me about.

I can't say enough about the wonderful women I've met that are dealing with cancer. I have about 3 new friends and I am in constant contact with some relatives I haven't talked to enough in the past.

I went on the treadmill tonight and felt a bit of a fight in me-  it helped that Lucas lent me his ipod and there was a 50cent song on. I am really trying visualization as well as getting pretty pissed off that this happened to me and my family. BUT I accept whatever trials I have because I do trust in GOD and with him I can do anything. BUT Jesus helps those who help them self!
I'm learning a lot of good stuff. Knowledge is Power.

I've gotten some wonderful gifts. A nun sent me some wonderful things and when I called her on the phone she said "You know I love you". Sometimes it's hard to accept help, gifts and so on, but I'm learning to enjoy those things. I love all my friends and I love all the prayers it helps me so much.

Well- I guess I should sign off. Tomorrow I'm getting a hair cut again- something like a fighting bob.

I love you guys

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I got a trim....but I still want it shorter.

I kinda just popped in on my hairdresser so she was thrown for a loop and managed to just get me a trim. I'm suppose to go back for some hi-lights.

Yesterday and today were tough. Waiting is so hard. Another thing that is hard- prayer. Sometimes I am in such pain and praying, but feel like if I have true belief I would be stronger. I ended up calling my priest and he was so good to me and made me feel better. What I'm going through is a journey in my faith. I have to give myself time.

My family has been great and helped me a lot as well. I was finally able to break down and cry and get a little mad.

Patience is so important. I am learning to train my brain to not go to places it need not go. Waiting is hard because you feel like you are living in libo but I need to get over it.

Tonight I need to go on my treadmill and get moving and exercising more.

It's Lucas' open house tonight at school- I'm excited to see all his teachers.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Just a quick note

I've been praying a lot. Yesterday I prayed to Jesus for strength to overcome fear. I want to be strong and not so afraid, but it's hard! So I said, "Jesus please send me a sign and let me be able to hear when you are talking to me".

I went on my way and took my shower and got ready to go out to a friend's house. Rob had come in from working out in his Pole Barn and he told me to close my eyes and hold out my hands. He then said he had something for me to help through this whole thing...............he made me a crucifix I can carry in my pocket. I was so happy.

Today was hard in the morning. I need to just be thankful for the mornings and not dread them- it's terrible that I said it's like waking up to a nightmare everyday. That was bad of me to say.

Tonight I talked with a breast cancer friend and she made me feel not so insane. I also am coming to grips with the fact that cancer will haunt me. I'm realizing I can't live like that, but still figuring out how to beat or at least cut down on all the senseless thoughts.

I think tomorrow I'll make an appointment for a haircut- something cute and short. I want it cut before my surgery.
Tonight little cousins are spending the night. I wasn't sure I could do it but I AM! How sweet.

I love my family, everyone is doing so much to help me- It's amazing.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

ok....I'm going to try this

I found out I have breast cancer......................Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.

Rob suggested I get back on my blog because I'm totally stressed out. It's new to me so at times I don't want to talk to people about it because some things they say scare me.

I'm going to make this short.

I am a fighter so I'll fight Breast Cancer. I am so happy for my life and need to look at every day as a HUGE blessing.

I find it hard to cry- It just won't come out of me. Every morning is like waking up to a nightmare.

BUT I've been talking to some amazing women.

I will have a mastectomy within a the month. Does this bother me- No. I don't like when people look at me and cry because it scares me. I will have chemo and that scares people too. It's OK so many women do it every day.
I will be getting a second opinion in NYC, because that is what any person should do when planning for a health issue.
I may look into reconstruction- seems weird to me but hey it's worth a shot.

Gee I'm finally crying typing this blog. I feel so bad for all the women who are struggling.

I've been praying a lot and I love when people pray for me! The Saint I pray to well, there are 2 my little angel St Theresa and my inspiration for patience, St. Peregrine. You can look these Saints up. Wonderful people.

Right now I'm praying for healing and also praying for my nerves to calm down so my body will be in top shape to aid in the healing of itself.

Please continue to pray for me and don't be offended if I can't talk to you. Some days are hard. There is nothing to say except I CAN DO IT.

Examine your own breasts- really good! Check under your nipple and all over. Get mammograms. And if there is something that doesn't feel right - GET it checked. Don't look it up on the internet- GO to your doctor. Thank GOD my doctor found my lump.

Maybe I'll write more another day.

My family has been great.