Well I finally decided I won't be getting my nipple early March. Up until now I pretty much just went along with everything during my reconstruction with not much opinion. I think I've been doing that because I'm just grateful to be alive and sometimes I think "who the hell do you think you are wanting breasts that match?" I don't know what it is; I guess it's the cancer that scares the hell out of you and makes you realize you have no control. Well it seems like we have no control.
I'm soooooo disappointment with my super slow weight lose almost to the point of saying hell on it. EXCEPT for the fact that I feel my body getting stronger and it feels so good. I do have pain- but it's from working out. My affected side does hurt sometimes, but I'm sure that's to be expected. I pay no favor to that arm and do everything anyone else would do. In my Pilates I actually moved up a notch on my springs and that was great. No one knows how bad I felt before- being tired and my weak legs were very different for me. I have never had problems like that and it was scary and plain sucked. I know I'm getting stronger and it feels so good. I would love to just celebrate that, but my weight puts a damper on it. People don't say as much about my weight and that's nice, but we are all our own worst critic. I was really hoping to be down to my pre-chemo weight before going for my nipple, but it's clear to me that's just not possible right now. I wanted to lose the weight to see where my breasts will be at- like as far as matching.
I have also been trying to read up and research nipple tattoos- I don't know, but I would think there are some that are better than others doing tattoos. I hear there are some artists who are great at 3D tattoos so wouldn't that be nicer? I mean couldn't doc make my nipple and an artist tattoo it? Researching this stuff is hard for me because I don't really like looking at medical stuff and even seeing someone get a tattoo bothers me a bit.
I don't know when I'm going to get down to that weight- I do feel like it will happen.
I take a look back at me the Christmas before I started chemo (after my surgeries)
Then I see a picture from after chemo during radiation and I get so upset
Oh good heavens!
Then I see a picture we took this weekend and I can see I have made some improvement
It's hard gaining that weight and seeing myself so heavy and my breast scars meaning my underarm area are equally as hard to take on some days. I actually realized I was better off shaving under my arm with a nose trimmer........laugh go ahead it is a bit funny. I realized this weekend there are somethings I just can't wear anymore.....well I could, but it certainly wouldn't look right.
I know I'm being a real baby and should just be grateful- but at some point I'm hoping to get some guts back- Can't I be gracefully ballsy? Postponing my nipple is a step in the right direction. Oh, but now I won't have a nipple for our family vacation- darn it. lol
All this deformed crap brings me to my next book- When I seen this guy on the book store shelf I immediately fell in love with him. I know he will be an inspiration to me and how refreshing he's a dog.
What a wonderful true story
So no nipple till I'm good and ready!
Even though I'm whining.......
I'm actually really happy these days - I love my family, friends and faith in GOD.
A couple of Saturdays ago I watched Lucas in a situation I would never want to be. I wondered with the way I raised Lucas how would he deal with the situation. I had to just sit and watch.
After my marriage failed it became clear to me that raising Lucas was going to be my responsibility. I left my marriage because it wasn't good and I didn't want Lucas to grow up in such a hostile environment.
When Lucas was a baby it was easy because a mom's job was pretty natural for me- my love carried me through all the breastfeeding, diapers, sick times, fun times, sleepless nights and bumps and bruises. As a boy gets a little older they start to develop their own little personality. From the beginning I knew Lucas was strong headed. Lucas was also very lovable and a lover of all things with eyes. His stuffed animals were some of his favorites and giving one up was impossible. He was the same with any living creature we would come across. Still Lucas was very strong. One time when his father was fighting with me Lucas; just starting to walk stood by me and yelled/cried at is dad and waved him away. Lucas was only about 2, but that was a time when I realized I couldn't stay in my marriage and put Lucas through that.
So then he got a bit bigger and I wanted so bad for him to grow up and be a good well rounded man. I wanted him to be strong, compassionate, loving, respectful, and a man with faith in God. So I needed to feed him well, show him my love and compassion, teach him to be tough and respectful and get him to church and around people of faith. My father played a big role in Lucas' life from the beginning and I am forever grateful! There were times I had to be aware of somethings that most mom's might not think of if there is a dad around. Lucas because I was with him all the time was a sweet boy, tough at times, but when I would see him on the football field or just playing on the play ground I started to notice his stance. Although to me Lucas appeared tough compared to some other boys he wasn't as rugged. I remember one night talking with him about his walk. I tried to teach him how to walk like you are bigger than you are....weird I know. I could see boys who's father played a big role in their life had the natural ruggedness- probably from wrestling around and doing dad/son things from birth. You don't realize, but something as simple watching a dad shave in the morning has an effect on a boy. After talking with Lucas about his walk he did change it up a bit- it was cute and he actually looked like he felt better. I know it has been tough for Lucas and when we would see boys in our neighborhood hanging out with their dads it was really tough.
As time went on Lucas developed his likes and dislikes and I seen a lot of me in him as well as a lot of my father. Still sporting functions were always different and I know it bothered Lucas that other dads would be there on the sideline with encouraging words and Lucas had me and my parents and even though my dad is the loudest of them all Lucas still missed the dad figure. I know that because he would make little statements about the other boy's dads. Lucas adores my father like a father, but he would never call him dad because he wasn't his dad. They have an incredible bond and dad was there at the beginning and still there every day.
So we kept going and in stepped Rob and single guy with not much kid experience. What Rob did have is a lot of love to give. So simple- but I believe Rob's heart is what made things work for us. Lucas never gave me much fuss about Rob at all. It's like kids just know when someone is good. It was an adjustment, but the more Rob was in our life the more Lucas bloomed. When we finally all moved in together I could see Lucas just soaking up another guy in the house- his smiles would say it all. Now I see Rob in Lucas. This year Lucas decided to try wrestling. This was exciting because it was Rob's favorite sport in school. To watch him coach Lucas along is like a dream come true for me and Lucas too I'm sure.
A couple of weekends ago Lucas had a wrestling tournament- he was determined to place in the top 3 for his weight! Rob went over tips with Lucas and he was all pumped up. He wrestled his 1st match and he did exactly what he said he was going to do- win. Since Lucas was little I always talked about mind over matter. The night before the tournament the only thing I could offer were words- like you know this boy, you know what you need to do. Lucas said to me- "I'm going to win my 1st match". I said back the saying- "The body will go where the mind leads it." I was so happy that some of what I taught Lucas has come to the surface.
After a match the boys go over and shake hands with the opponents coach- well Lucas was so excited about his win he went with his huge smile straight to..................Rob.
Rob is always right there as close to the mat as they will let him.
His next match would not be so easy another seasoned wrestler with a perfect record- no losses. Now this match was important to Lucas because if he lost he would have to wrestle a teammate in his next match. A teammate Lucas had become close to, a friend. Well Lucas didn't win and the first thing he said to Rob was "Now I have to wrestle ______"(his teammate his friend). Now this boy wants the win as badly as Lucas and we know a bit about this boy. I feel for this boy because he lost his dad. I feel for the whole family because it wasn't too long ago I was faced with thoughts of leaving my family. I wondered how Lucas could wrestle a friend. I thought to myself- me, I might not do my best. I would feel so bad beating my friend. Now I know I raised Lucas with a lot of compassion and he is very compassionate, but now he's a teen and he needs to be tough. As I watched Lucas walk down the bleachers after his friend as they were going to their match I had no idea if the compassionate Lucas would come out or if the strong Lucas would win out. To not give a good fight would be disrespectful to the other boy, I know Lucas has a huge heart. I had no idea how it would turn out.
Watching them I felt for both boys who had to deal with adversity growing up- I wanted them both to win.
Well Lucas ended up winning- I cried for the other boy. The boy smiled his usual adorable smile- because of his bringing up he was a gentlemen about not winning. The strong Lucas came out BUT guess what? Lucas gave that boy the biggest couple of hugs I ever seen and then I cried some more. My Lucas showed his strength, respect, and compassion that morning and I was so proud.
The hard work of parenting does come back with huge benefits!
I don't take many wrestling pictures because I'm too nervous watching- These pictures were from a local match - I have no pictures of the tournament.
Well - What gets me excited about going to the gym- well nothing really. I go because I want to be healthy so I guess that's one GREAT motivator.
I finally weighed less than 136!!!!!! Wooo Whooooo
What did I do
I treated myself to a pair of children's Nike sneakers that I got a tip off my trainer about the sale! Yeah
I will NOT go up over 135
I will NOT go up over 135
So here's some cool gym stuff
Gym Bags- don't just throw everything in your child's old gym bag like me get yourself something like this
Adidas by Stella MaCartney
I love the color of this Puma Bag
Puma Campus Handbag
And my FAV-
LOOK at these pretty NUDES for the gym
you know nudes and blushes were big at the awards
Makes you wanna go to the gym - Right?
Here's my new babies
So if you wear a women's 7 or under you could probably purchase a kid sized sneak