Sunday, January 30, 2011

Ture Word Sunday- I'll let you know when I need that nipple.

 Well I finally decided I won't be getting my nipple early March.  Up until now I pretty much just went along with everything during my reconstruction with not much opinion.  I think I've been doing that because I'm just grateful to be alive and sometimes I think "who the hell do you think you are wanting breasts that match?"  I don't know what it is; I guess it's the cancer that scares the hell out of you and makes you realize you have no control.  Well it seems like we have no control. 

I'm soooooo disappointment with my super slow weight lose almost to the point of saying hell on it.  EXCEPT for the fact that I feel my body getting stronger and it feels so good.  I do have pain- but it's from working out.  My affected side does hurt sometimes, but I'm sure that's to be expected.  I pay no favor to that arm and do everything anyone else would do.  In my Pilates I actually moved up a notch on my springs and that was great.  No one knows how bad I felt before- being tired and my weak legs were very different for me.  I have never had problems like that and it was scary and plain sucked.  I know I'm getting stronger and it feels so good.  I would love to just celebrate that, but my weight puts a damper on it.  People don't say as much about my weight and that's nice, but we are all our own worst critic.  I was really hoping to be down to my pre-chemo weight before going for my nipple, but it's clear to me that's just not possible right now.  I wanted to lose the weight to see where my breasts will be at- like as far as matching. 

I have also been trying to read up and research nipple tattoos- I don't know, but I would think there are some that are better than others doing tattoos.  I hear there are some artists who are great at 3D tattoos so wouldn't that be nicer?  I mean couldn't doc make my nipple and an artist tattoo it?  Researching this stuff is hard for me because I don't really like looking at medical stuff and even seeing someone get a tattoo bothers me a bit.

I don't know when I'm going to get down to that weight- I do feel like it will happen.

I take a look back at me the Christmas before I started chemo (after my surgeries)

Then I see a picture from after chemo during radiation and I get so upset

Oh good heavens!

Then I see a picture we took this weekend and I can see I have made some improvement

It's hard gaining that weight and seeing myself so heavy and my breast scars meaning my underarm area are equally as hard to take on some days.  I actually realized I was better off shaving under my arm with a nose trimmer........laugh go ahead it is a bit funny.   I realized this weekend there are somethings I just can't wear anymore.....well I could, but it certainly wouldn't look right.   

I know I'm being a real baby and should just be grateful- but at some point I'm hoping to get some guts back- Can't I be gracefully ballsy?  Postponing my nipple is a step in the right direction.  Oh, but now I won't have a nipple for our family vacation- darn it. lol

All this deformed crap brings me to my next book- When I seen this guy on the book store shelf I immediately fell in love with him.  I know he will be an inspiration to me and how refreshing he's a dog.     

What a wonderful true story

So no nipple till I'm good and ready!
Even though I'm whining.......
I'm actually really happy these days - I love my family, friends and faith in GOD.

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