Sunday, October 17, 2010

True Word Sunday

Well I wanted Sunday to be about truth and also my faith. 

I don't usually speak of the hard times and struggles I have, but here's some.  Wouldn't want anyone out there to feel like life is so easy because it's not especially in my house this past week.

Today as I was rushing to get to church the religious education director yelled to me "Mrs. Podrazil......what a great evangelist you are!"  What a wonderful compliment.  My life these days have been difficult; not so sure why.  I guess healing from my cancer is going through stages and at this point I'm mad.  I have a real short fuse especially with my husband and well everyone.  I really don't like this characteristic- it makes me feel so bad.  I struggle all the time with fear of cancer and I'm also concerned about my faith.  I'm lost as to what God may want for me and I have started to pray for a little direction, but nothing is coming to me.
I would love to be a great evangelist and maybe help others join or come back to church, but I definitely don't feel qualified to do that.  I don't know how to express all the grace and love you recieve from God if only you ask.  I mean I am far far from perfect and I have some major screw ups in my life, and all I did was ask for forgiveness and not only did I get it i also got so much more.

As I walked with this woman this morning she asked how I was doing and feeling and I told her good.  We talked about how nice my hair is.....yes it is nice.  And I - I LOVE my hair!  I am grateful for all God and the saints did for me, but at times I feel ungrateful because I have a bad attitude.  I mean I can be real mean and that is so unchristian.  The lady then said, "It's a miracle."  Was it really?  Absolutely- I would have never gone to that doctor appointment if it hadn't been for some strange things that happened.  I need to thank God for saving me.

So the truth is I am far from being where I want to be as far as my spirituality, but I notice when I've fallen and I do get back up.  I may need all the angles and saints and God more now than ever!  I want to be as close to God when I'm healthy as I was when I was so afraid of dying.  I battle with thoughts in my head of dying of cancer and this may be in part because I read up on cancer a lot.  I also follow 2 blogs I love that are by women in stage 4 of their disease - this brings me hope as much as it brings me pain.  The other day I read one and she spoke about missing the days of when she first had cancer and they got rid of it and she went on her way so happy.  Well I am sitting here missing the days when I didn't even have cancer.  The truth is we are all going to die and years from now I may be sitting somewhere wishing I was back to this day.  I am living my days so afraid of dying and I'm not dying I'm ALIVE.  I'm fought so hard to live and here I am living, but not really because I'm afraid of dying- Ugh!

Well after reading what she had written I have a new attitude to try hard to remember everyday - I'm alive and it's a good life just because I'm alive!  I need to be grateful for all I've been given and I need to find my way of giving back to this beautiful world and my God.

And thats a couple of truths I've got that I don't like to share.       

No comments: