BitterSweet

Well a couple of weeks ago while at a fair I watched as Lucas and Rob laughed and they looked so happy.

Last night I watched as Lucas and Rob pushed eachother around like a father and son.

I cried each time. I always felt a soft spot in my heart for fathers when I would see them out and about with their boys. I have such a broken part in my heart over Lucas' father. When someone hurts your child you have a bad feeling, but when it's the father you choose for your child you feel guilt and maddness. It's maddening to me that Lucas needed a dad all those years he went without. I used to think maybe it's my fault as much as anyone. How can a father not be involved? I don't want to judge because I'm not him and don't know what he may be going through. At some point he may regret what he has done. I will continue to pray for him, but unlike when I was in my 20/30s I won't be so nice about it when he wakes up.

Back to Lucas and Rob.....

I love to see them laugh it makes me so happy. I see just how much Lucas needed a man in his life. I see how it is to live in a house with a boy and a man. It's amazing to see. I love them both so much and see how much they both needed eachother. I see this everytime I see them together having fun; it's like the other stuff in the world is gone and it pure happiness. I hope I'm explaining this good enough to read it years from now and get it.

It's like the two of them are taking deep breaths for the first time and smelling all the goodness that comes from a fully formed family.