Thanks Rob

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Well I had a pretty hard week and Rob had to hear about it- So Thank You Rob!

I Love you... Love you... Love you

I struggled with thoughts of cancer coming back and it was triggered by one thing and it just stayed with me. It's so hard and as much as I tried to just keep it to myself I just let it out on Rob one night and I feel horrible. I wasn't mean, but he was already under stress. I may try and speak to a counselor just to make sure I get my feelings out on someone else. Family is great but sometimes telling them all your feelings just doesn't do them any good.

Rob knew something was up because I hadn't gotten in my walks(and the weather was no help)and he did get me to start up again. He walked with me one night -my whole 2 miles.....and then walked 2 again the next morning. It was so nice walking and talking. I love Rob so much. For most people this would be a really happy thing, but sometimes the happy moments only remind how much I don't want to leave him. How much I'm afraid of dying and leaving him alone. It's very screwed up, but I'm assuming at some point this will change for me. I had the same feelings with Lucas. Why at times do I have happy times that scare me? I should just be happy
for happiness. This is where cancer is ruining other parts of my life and I let it. I need to stop doing that, but when you are feeling down it's hard. It's like you are in a hole and can't get out.

Now this morning I'm home alone and I feel alone and scared so I will just have to keep myself busy.

I know positive attitude is very important, but sometimes when there is so much emphasis on it it makes it hard on us. I think oh brother I wonder what my cells are doing now that I stressed like that. It doesn't help in my book I'm reading ANTI CANCER that I'm on that chapter. He talks about lab rats all injected with the same about of cancer- then the rats are divided up - 1 group lives there normal fun life--2nd group lives, but they are shocked randomly, but they were are also given the ability to learn how to stop the shocks---3rd group shocked randomly with no way to stop the shocks. This added stress showed that the rats who were the most stressed had a worse outcome. The second group actually did well..considering they were getting shocks- I guess because they knew they had some control. It boils down to feeling helpless. I definately need to not feel helpless!!! I mean really I'm not helpless- I have a chance to exercise, eat right, pray and it is my body and in the end it will be what it is but I will have the last say! Now how did they know the rats were feeling helpless....they had no sex nor did they care to eat much. Interesting huh?
Oh and I did cry for those poor rats!

We all need to be less stressed and resolve any thing bad we are holding!

I'm on the upswing and it is definitely thanks to my wonderful husband. I also have to say I'm so grateful to have great friends to comfort me when I'm down. Thank you Amber, Amy, Krista, Michelle, Shelby, Becky, Vicki and Barbara for being there for me this last week as I struggled. I also have to mention my FB friends from high school- what AMAZING people I went to HS with. SCC....SCC....SCC! I was able to go out dancing and it felt so good. Thank you LORI- the amount of prayer you dished up for me was truly amazing to me and I felt the graces of all of it. I love you girls -Catie, Denise, Darci, Diane! The guys who check on my Tim (my fav redhead) and my other Tim- 2 tough survivors! If I forgot anyone this week it's due to CHEMO brain...or old age.

I was blessed to receive a mass card for Mother's Day from my Aunt. I also rec'd from my brother's mother-in-law a mass card and a beautiful Crystal necklace for my last chemo.

The girls at Breast Cancer.org have been great.....we all started chemo the same time and we are all struggling lately......must be some sort of cancer healing cycle...seeing we don't have our other cycles anymore! Remember in your prayers all the girls who don't have as much support as they should. Not everyone has a great family support system.

On to something fun- Falsies
Eyelashes that is...I'm getting better at wearing them so here's some tips.

Look at this picture- something is up with one eye right?
I could figure out for the life of me what was wrong. I take pics of myself sometimes to see what I look like. Weird? Maybe - but I hadn't noticed my weird eye until the picture. Well - here's the thing....when you have no lashes it's easy to get your eyeliner on the under part of the eye (the part closest to the eye)because there are no lashes to follow. So I ended up cleaning off the black that was under the lashes and this is what it looked like:
Totally better.....also I had to move the lashes up a bit.

Sometimes I think Bald isn't that bad...maybe I should/could go out like this:



I really can't wait till my hair starts to grow! NO sign of lashes or brows....fuzzy head but that's it.

BUT REALLY HAT AND HAIR IS JUST BETTER FOR EVERYONE:

Today I speak at mass and tomorrow I speak at 3 masses. I will be at church a lot this weekend which will be great! I'll get to pray a lot.

Surgery Tuesday- found front closure bras at walmart for $7 a piece so I hope they work. I have to start getting my clothes together. I'm praying the surgeon does well and may the best implant end up in there! Say good-bye to Mr. Tissue Expander!

Here he is fully expanded and ready to blow...LOL:

I prayed hard to the Blessed Mother and she was good to us! Thank you Blessed Mother!