Thursday, March 17, 2011

My New Life

Well there are days that are bad......really bad.  I get nervous out of nowhere and I was just telling my doc when he asked how much Xanax I take; that I often think I better take a Xanax and well it's at home.  When at home I feel comfortable to be scared/nervous and don't really need to take anything.  The bad times are definitely farther apart and I'm learning to cope.  I live in fear that the moment I go on with my life there will be a problem, but I'm learning to deal with that.

Another emotion they definitely didn't tell me about was anger.  Anger sucks and it makes me feel so bad after, like I deserve some horrible disease for being so ungrateful and having the nerve to actually be mad.  One night while out with Rob at a bar for something to eat I sat there and watched as women with their boobs hanging out danced around and carried on and I got so mad.  Like I could explode angry.  I wasn't mad at the women, but just mad that this happened to me and my whole family.  I guess it's normal, but I really don't like being a angry person and I hope to not take it out on other people. 
It's an emotion I just have to work through.

That being said cancer had brought some good in my life.

I love my family more than every before- I love when I hear my parents or Rob's parents laugh.  Don't know why, but it's something that never brought so much joy as is does now. 
I'm so glad we are all healthy and able to have fun at a moments notice!

I love Lucas and Rob SO much and being with them can make me better no matter what I'm going through.  Having a comfort like that is something I never imagined.

I love the outdoors...the sun, birds, trees and water!  I can look at any one of them and feel joy. 
 I love the smell of the outdoors. 
I love looking at babies and seeing life and Godness (yes God) in their eyes.  

I love my church and all the spiritual people who have helped me heal.

I just have A LOTTA LOVE   

and last but not least I have a better of idea on stuff and what's important
most stuff is not important
and the stuff that is, that I treasured and didn't use
I use
one day I came across my mint green vintage gloves
and I thought ya know what I'm going to wear them- why not? 

Life is good right now

I love
I suffer
I cope
I grow
I love bigger

Wear your vintage gloves and thank God for all you got.

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