Thursday, December 16, 2010

Well it's my 1st blood test today!

This is how they are going to monitor me- no scans- a blood test.  They will check tumor markers.  I hope to get results Friday!

I'm excited and a bit nervous.  In my heart I feel like I'm going to be OK and the test will be good.  I struggled with prayer and it's amazing how many signs I got from above to continue praying.  I have a friend from Healing Mass who told me about a place I may want to go to pray.  My very good friend Barbara continues to help me along and she definitely makes me feel good and brings such strong faith to me.  I know these people are working the BIG GUY - I know it and believe it in my heart. 

I don't know what it is about this Christmas, but I often just want to cry.  At dinner with Rob I just started crying and couldn't think why.  I worry a lot that this Christmas has to be good because who knows what's around the corner.  I feel sad Lucas is growing up, my parent's and Rob's are getting older.  It's hard to explain- and Rob even said - Gee Danielle last year around this time we didn't even know if you would be around!  WHAT! YIKES!  Did he just really say that?- Oh no     He's right though- how fast I forget.  That's part of the problem- you would think I would be SO over the top happy, but I'm so scared.  I'm a little stuck- I want to do Christmas stuff, but certain things I can't.  I'm having a hard time shopping for Rob and Lucas.  It actually feels sad. 

I read somewhere that people in similar circumstances do this- Instead of living life to the fullest and doing all the things I thought I might never get to do - I'm coast along.  This is done subconsciously- because if something isn't that good/fun the loss of it won't hurt so bad.  I know this is my problem and I'm still struggling with it.

I've seen how fast life can go away and feeling it as deep as I did- beat me down a bit.  I no longer can live like there is no tomorrow because I actually felt like I wasn't going to have a tomorrow.  Cancer sucks in that way.  And it's not just about me it's my amazing little boy who I love so much and the thought of not being here for him is very very painful.  BUT I am here and I need to keep telling myself what I learned at Doorways to Healing-

What are you afraid of Danielle:  dying
Danielle what do you want:  to liveWell Danielle - the good news is You're alive! 
so get at it girl....

I know there will be a point when I turn over this huge ROCK of FEAR!  

Oh gosh - I wanted to buy Dr. Seidman a gift and had no idea what to get.  Well I did have an idea, but I waited too long and time got away from me!  So tonight I bought a singing Chihuahua -  He sings....Senorita Please don't Dance with Santa Clause........

Oh he's on youtube

Pause the music at the bottom- so you can hear him sing

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