Ever wake up like this?

Here's me this morning

We had a trip to NY where I got another expansion of 90ccs- I'm up to 360cc with a 500cc expander in there. Well it's getting huge and I'm not liking it. I know it's bad to say because I'm so lucky! Sometimes I get mad about it.

The trip to the city is stressful so I was mad about that as well.

Plus I'm reading a book on chemo that is so overwhelming to me that I actually take a nap in between some reading! Don't get me wrong this chemo book is really really good, but there is so much information and I'm a bit ADDish when reading. This was probably my best Christmas gift because of timing.

Plus like I always do I'm reading another book at the same time (which I love this book as much as my chemo book) and now for the 3rd time I read/hear about hair after chemo coming back like an afro!!!! I happen to love my straight hair and don't want even 1 little curl! I'm mad about having to grow my hair.

And I'm totally pissed about where I live because they scare me at the doctor's office- I'd rather NEVER step 1 foot in my local BREAST CENTER.

So what do? I feel sorry for myself!

Poor me----everything was going so good. Why is this happening to me? Is this as bad as it's going to get? Now that I've been a total bitch about things is something worse going to happen to me? Maybe I deserve bad things. Oh brother it goes on and on.

This is all normal right? Often all kind of crap goes through my head but it is all natural. It's ok- God and my loved ones do forgive me. And no matter what I have them. I always end up back with God.

GOD story............
So last night after reading about chemo I was very stressed about having chemo at home..........so stressed I felt like skipping my appointment in NY and just staying here. I want to have chemo at Sloan but the stress of traveling there wears me down. So I cried about it- crybaby- I know.
So last night before bed I said, "God please tell me what to do- help me."
So I woke up this morning still mad as hell. Announced to Rob and my parents, "I'm not going to Sloan anymore." I totally threw them for a loop and feel real bad, but I'm in a mental state sometimes.
Anyways today flipping through a cancer book I read this:
A study published in the September 2003 Journal of the National Cancer Institute found that "patients who traveled 15 or more miles for their care had one third the risk of death of those living closer. Moreover, for every 10 miles that a patient traveled for care, the risk of death decreased by 3.2%."
Ok- 3.2% doesn't seem like much- when you have cancer it means a lot because we take all these little percents and add up a life after cancer!
I don't think this cancer is going to kill me (only because the Blessed Mother told me- which is another great story I will post later) because of my fight for the best treatment and my family's support in getting me there. And I love it at Sloan- it's a world of difference there. Sometimes I feel more at home there than anywhere because there are so many people there like me.

Like my father keeps saying "Jesus helps those who help themselves."

So if you know someone- let them know it's good to get a 2nd opinion even a 3rd. You may have to take a road trip which in the end will seem like nothing after your journey.

So at the end of this day -
I ask for forgiveness!

I thank God for the ability to be in a car with my husband for 6 hours traveling to one of the best Breast Cancer Joints in the world.
I thank God for my parents!

I'm so grateful to have a wonderful plastic surgeon who will make me whole again. I love that thing in my chest because it will fill a void and make me feel pretty again.

I look forward to wearing a wig because it will cut down on the much dreaded blow drying time.

I'm excited for curly hair because it will be just in time for Halloween and I'd make a cute clown.

I forgive the Breast Center in my town....maybe it was the only way I could have handled the information.

So now I slow down and meditate.........

I like to imagine I'm on an island by water