I had a baby last night

in my dreams...........gee if you didn't know you might actually think wow- great-and then the let down- if you know me you know that couldn't be.

I have been doing my detox and feeling pretty crappy and last night I couldn't sleep well because of a bad back ache.  I finally did get some sleep and I had a really happy/sad dream.

Here's my dream:

I was having a baby and the doctor was well a bag boy/guy (older gentleman) from our grocery store- who in all honestly would make a good looking doctor.  Anyway here's how it went

I had the baby and  and I could hear it crying and then he gave the baby over to me.  Well it was a girl and she was so beautiful; she was chubby with brown eyes and straight black hair.  She was so cute and fresh like newborns when you first get to hold them.  I looked her all over to see she was real and OK, she had a couple of scratches from the delivery and I was a bit mad at the doctor for that, but I was SO happy.  I remember being shocked and then thinking "I have a baby girl, I was just looking at all these cute girl clothes and now I have a baby girl".  I remember thinking it's like a dream come true.  I was so excited and extremely happy I wanted to take a picture of her and send it to everyone, because I knew they wouldn't believe it- I had a little girl.  I thought I better not because Rob will kill me, he hasn't even seen her yet.  So I didn't take the picture.  I then remembered we would have to name her and I had wanted so bad to name a baby girl Theresa Paulina.   I then remember sitting there with her waiting to leave and she had the cutest little brown jacket on and a little baby size yellow scarf.  She started to fuss so I gave her a bottle and I was worried that I didn't have it at the right temperature.  I gave it to her and she would drink a little then play with it and there were little children around and they thought she was so cute.  I thought to myself - she is so cute and already has such a cute personality.  I can't say enough how extremely happy I was it was amazing.

I found this picture which is closest to what she looked like

and as I look at this picture it looks like me when I was a baby

And then I woke up....it took me a second to realize I was waking up from a dream.  I hadn't slept so hard in a dream in a long time.

I went to the bathroom and cried, went to bed and cried some more.  It was like torture.  I hadn't said much about the whole baby thing because I know Rob struggles with it, but I had a bit of a meltdown that morning.  I was sad/mad crying about how cute she was and why would I have a dream like that. 

I'm so blessed to have my baby boy- Some never get the chance to have a baby at all.

I don't know why I had that dream.  Maybe because the one night I came across an old notebook where I had written girls names in it.  Or maybe because Rob and I have to come to terms with our situation concerning a baby.
I had a birthday party for Rob and it was so much fun to have all our friends and family there and after wards he said something to me that made me cry.  He said that he had so much fun and that he has such wonderful family and friends that maybe he can start letting go of the child thing.  I want him to feel good about our blessings what ever they may be.  He is a wonderful dad to Lucas- which is proof that being a parent sometimes has nothing to do with your eggs or sperm.

Going through not being able to have a child carries the same phases as suffering a death.  Rob goes through up and downs with it and  I think my mind was just sorting things out while I sleep.

I wrote this post a bit ago- and just decided I could post it. 

Cancer does Suck! 

But at least we get stronger with each and every challenge it puts on us!