GOD

I have to post this as it's one of those things I want to always remember.  I rely a lot on God to guide and support me, but that doesn't mean I'm constantly praying and not even everyday like I'd like to be.  No matter when I do need him he is there and sometimes it's so in my face it's scary and really unbelievable I'm sure to many.

Lately a few people I know with cancer have been struggling and I am trying really hard not to get into any more cancer stories and trying to not follow some so closely.  I will check for updates so that I can pray accordingly, but I'm just not as strong yet to deal with all of it.

Since being sick I get lows - I not sure when they will happen, but when they do they are hard.  The first person who gets it is Rob.  I may not say anything, but he'll know.....and eventually it will come to a head.  I just say everything I'm scared of or thinking about.  It just comes pouring out because on top of some everyday life issues I'm thinking about things like dying, cancer coming back in maybe my brain, other people getting cancer, how I will handle it if it does come back, how will I die, and I'm doing things like reading about cancer, touching myself trying to feel if cancer is growing where my latest ache or pain is.  And I'm also thinking about people I love and being scared for them as well.  It's horrible sometimes.

Well one day it was starting again- I had a pain somewhere and I was freaking out in my head. What really makes these times really difficult is having to do something important or rushing around trying to get things done.  I guess I just get totally stressed.  Everyday things can seem so hard.

So I'm in the car with Lucas and I'm trying really hard to listen to what he is saying and stop getting crazy in my head.  I could just feel I'm so on edge I may just snap at him-  my poor boy is just trying to tell me something about school work and I'm ready to totally explode.  I fought so hard not to snap at him- because like most kids he can be not so nice when he says things.  But that doesn't make it right to unload my crap.  I ordered a pizza and we had some time to wait so I asked him to go in Family Dollar with me; thinking that would really keep my mind from reeling.  I really didn't know what to do.  My first instinct when this happens is to call Rob and let it release from me- but after the last time I could see it was not fair to him either as he has worries too.  I couldn't think of anyone I felt comfortable talking to about it, but I wanted it gone out of my head.  So Lucas didn't want to go in the store with me and I was in no mood to try and beg him- I just didn't have it in me.  I went in myself....I stood there for a minute in the cleaning section and I said to myself "just keep it together, keep walking, don't cry, look for Brillo".  I then asked for God to help me- and I believe I said an Our Father.  So I continued to walk around almost crying when I got to the an aisle and there was a lady standing there with a shopping cart.  We looked at each other and although I wasn't my normal peppy self I said, "Hello" and she said it back to me.  I was still searching for Brillo and then this older woman says to me, "Do you read?"  And I thought it was weird, but she was a sweet lady so I told her I did.  I wasn't sure if she got a free book in the mail she was going to give me or maybe she couldn't read a label......but then it hit me.  I had an idea it was going to be religious and it was.  She pulled out her church's religious booklet and she said something about people are rushing, rushing these days and this article is very good.  The article was about Patience.  She then told me to keep the booklet which is how they promote their church..  But then she said to me, "Turn to scripture for help".  And she went to go on her merry way.  I was shocked- I know you may say that was a chance thing, but when was the last time someone came up to you right after you begged for help?  A person of Faith in God pushing religion shared something with you at Family Dollar?  I was touched, shocked and it felt so unreal to me.  I must have still been baffled because when I got in the car Lucas said to me, "What's wrong with you?"

The message I got was to patient- I can't keep thinking about things to come.  God will be there no matter what is to come and when it's bad I feel like I'm going crazy I can turn to scripture.  I need to learn to ride these waves of anxiety.  I was able to calm down after my episode in Family Dollar and I did it all myself..... no not really God was with me and listened to my plea.