Listening for an answer

 I was stressed about Lucas and his Confirmation retreat.  Lucky for me on the day of the retreat I met with my Doctor friend.  Lucas ended up calling me saying he wanted to leave retreat because all they did was sing and some other stuff he didn't feel comfortable with.  I wasn't sure what to do....so I decided to at least take a ride to the retreat location just to be closer to Lucas and thankfully the Doc decided she would go with me.  I just wanted to get there and see what I felt.  I know it sounds strange, but I honestly have been trying to trust more in my feelings and instincts and so far it has really helped me a lot.  I think part of being authentic is really listening to your heart and your God.  I prayed about this retreat and I waited and waited for a sign.  I was on the fence about sending Lucas, but I went along until something told me otherwise.  As we were waiting for the bus I seen a couple people who touched my heart; one was a local BU college student (female) and the other was Joe a man I've met before.  I spoke with the girl first and she was such a beautiful girl inside and out.  Joe spoke to me as always and I can tell by his kind eyes he is a good man.  As Joe was leaving he asked us to pray for him and I had a sense he meant it.  Rob did practically threaten everyone to watch over Lucas and if anything happens to him.........  So that too had me feeling a bit better.  If I didn't have Rob to lean on as well as quiet me down when needed things could have gone differently.

So anyway back to the story.  We drove to Sky Lake which is about a 30 minute drive and it was beautiful to spend time with my good friend.  As we got into the property there isn't much not to love with all the trees and fresh air.  This is a place I had checked out the day before as well- so I would know where it was when I had to pick-up Lucas.  As we wandered about and looked at the lake I decided he should stay and the she agreed.

In the end Lucas admitted that yes he was glad he stayed as he enjoyed mass and confession.  He really liked Sky Lake as well and wished they had gotten to do more outside.  It was too bad the organizer wasn't the best fit for Lucas and wasn't the most prepared, but at least Lucas enjoyed the important parts.

I'm so lucky to have so many wonderful around to support me with such stuff.  I feel so blessed.  It was such a blessing to have Doc with me as she was an angel of a friend.  I don't know many of my friends who would have the time to drive out to Sky Lake as I try and make up my mind, but she did.  As her and I decided to check out the Founder's Lodge we were sitting in the Lodge when it started to fill up.  A lady came to me and was handing me a book in which I said- Oh no that's OK.  Well she looked at me like I was strange so I said - Oh wait I mean yes- thank you.  Well it was book of hymns.  As we sat it was clear we were in a service.  The singing began and her and I just went along.  At one point I had to smile....here I had been waiting for a sign from God and now I'm standing in a Lodge singing hymns with the Doc-  I looked over at her singing right along with me and thought - GOD is so good....I asked for help and as hard as is it to just wait and be quiet to listen I did with the help of my family and friends and I got an answer.  Sometimes we get so caught up in a problem and it's super hard to keep our mouth shut or our mind from reeling, but we need to calm it down to hear.

This is the hymn I feel in love with~ It's so beautiful:
The service was I believe Methodist and was very nice-  I enjoyed it a lot.




Here are the words:

The Summons

Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown? Will you let my name be known,
will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name?
Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen,
and admit to what I mean in you and you in me?

Will you love the "you" you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around,
through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?

Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In Your company I'll go where Your love and footsteps show.
Thus I'll move and live and grow in you and you in me.

To Build a Home

Well things are moving along nicely- not as fast as we would have liked, but moving none the less.  We were marking off where we would like the house to sit Monday night.  It can be stressful- especially when I have a bit of an attitude.  I think about all the stuff I don't get done normally and to add to my plate helping Rob as we are planning to be our own General Contractor- makes me nervous- sometimes.

It seems to be the best decision for us.  We have hooked up with a couple who recently did their home and they said they could help us.  Well I've spoken to the wife and she already gave me my first assignment  :)

We weren't really showing anyone our house plans because we wanted it to be a surprise.  Our plans are very simple and tailored to exactly what we want so to look at our plans you wouldn't really see much.  We did end up showing our parents as we had an issue come up that totally baffled us.  It is so nice to be able to build a house together and know we did on our own all our way- good or bad as it may be.

This night we also attempted to go in the neighboring house that is to be torn down.  I thought it would be so nice to have a piece of that house in our house being it was the family's house who sold us the property.  It just seems sad to see a family home torn down- so I just thought it would be nice.   Well it was so super scary and locked down that we decided that wasn't going to happen.  I don't know we'll see once they start tearing it down.  My luck it will get all torn down and I'll miss all opportunities to snatch a piece of something.

We have also gone kitchen shopping and well that was interesting as I don't know what I want until I see it.  I wanted a white kitchen, but when I was there I liked a chestnut color kitchen.  I know I would drive anyone crazy.  So when I got back home I started to look at some darker kitchens and although I loved those cabinets I just couldn't picture me in a kitchen with dark cabinets.  A lot of my kitchen will have to be light and bright colors as they make me most happy.  Here's the thing- my style- well it's all my mine which means I like everything and anything well just about...lol.

See I like the plainness of these cabinets  

 I even love seeing two different colored cabinets in a kitchen- this is most exciting to me!

 I just can't get away from liking white

Then you see something like this and realize the potential to make it exactly how you want

Not that I'd ever have a clue how to make colors flow and match, but it is very inspiring to see this modern country look- I do like it which is surprising to me.

Then the thought of a dark island to help with the flow of the color to the dinning room sounds like a nice plan to me....I wish I knew what color floor they had.

There is so much to consider when planning so that things flow.

I'm really trying to think about the "flow" of the 1st floor.

I know I'm stuck on the kitchen, but hey that's mine to worry about.  

The rest of the house is seeming good.

I have a concern with a window above the bathtub- it's just not what I had envisioned, but I don't think we have any other option so somehow I guess we have to make it work.

I'm very happy with Lucas room.

I love our master bedroom very much- but thinking about style in there is tough too.  I'm hoping something comes to us with that as well.  

How I know I'm getting back to ME

I find it pretty funny all the comments I get concerning my license.

The other day I was in TJ Maxx and I wrote a check and the guy asked for my license.  I watched as the guy goes over to another woman - I assumed to question how to accept a check.  Then I see they call over another woman and now the 3 of them are looking at me.  I couldn't imagine what the problem was.  So then the guy comes over with the 2 other woman following and says, "I'm sorry I'm not going to be able to accept this check".  I asked why.  That's when one of the woman asked if I have any other form of picture id, because my license doesn't really look like me.  OK.

When I had cancer and lost my hair I constantly got comments like - wow you really changed your hair, gee you really went short, I really like your hair cut (which was actually a wig).....and so on.  It's funny how many people young, old, male or female would make comments.  I was saddled with a license of me with long blondish hair while going bald, wearing wigs, and growing out my hair.

Since that time my license had to be renewed and well that took place a little bit after I had completed all my treatment and my hair was well back past my ears.

Now I'm with a license I thought looked pretty good, but as I look at myself today I do notice it might - not like me.  Now I have people say to me- I like your dark or I love your hair long and I someone even said something awkward like you look really different- It's so funny.

As I look at my license I can see that I did lose a good amount of weight- I was up to 143 after treatment- I've lost about 23 pounds.  It seemed like I would never get to this point and I still get disappointed when I don't lose fast enough- but I've come a long way and sometimes I just have to celebrate that and take a break from trying to lose weight.  I don't know what my goal weight will be- it's tough for me now.  I have 1 real breast and 1 fake (my foob) so the more I lose the real one will get smaller, but my foob will remain the same.  Also when I lose weight at some point it will show in my collar bone area above my chest and any weight loss shown there will also increase visibility of the sunken in area I have in my chest where they took my entire breast.  I don't know what's in store for me and my body shape and size at this point- I'm just so very happy to be able to be physical and feel somewhat strong and in control of my body.  I miss my breast for sure, but I love my body every single inch of it.  Creating a new life with a new body has been a journey that continues to inspire me so that I can continue on..

But it's not all about the weight loss is it?

In the last 3 years I've gone through some major life changes and one of them being my appearance.  It has been extremely hard at times because even I didn't recognize myself, but thankful I was just hoping to survive so that stuff seemed so small compared to just plain wanting survive.  There were definitely times I just wanted to me again, but again I choose to concentrate on surviving not my looks.  Eventually surviving meant being healthy and after taking a treatment that actually takes your health way down; I had to start trying to build my health back up.  This meant eating better and exercising!  Thanks to my dad who had me up and walking right after my surgeries, my mom getting me into Pilates and drinking smoothies right along with me and my husband going to gym with me- it started- getting healthy.  And what comes from leading a healthier life?.....a longer life as well as a person who looks healthy and happy....and that the me I want to be!

This is me healthy happy!

 I have no idea what's in store for me and cancer, but no matter what I know I have the best chances being healthy and keeping my body strong.

My recent achievements in getting back to me is also due to the support of my girlfriends who agreed to also participate in getting healthier.  The support I get from my friends is a big help to me.  Not all friends are right there with you, but the ones who are are true gems.  To get healthy with my girlfriends who haven't had the sickness I've had is a special gift, because it also makes me feel more normal like them.  Yeah I know I'm normal, but I'm also different or so I thought.  As we have tried to help each other and I hear them complain about body parts or weight I realize we are all just girls with all the same issues.

We are all beautiful and healthy yet we are unhappy with our self at times and that's all normal.  We just have to concentrate on our beautiful health.  And we all want to be around a long time for our kids and their kids!

Oh and back to the license story- I happened to still have my old license- I know that is illegal, but I had it.  Then they agreed that it could be me.....lol.

This is how I know I'm finally getting back to ME!