Listening for an answer

 I was stressed about Lucas and his Confirmation retreat.  Lucky for me on the day of the retreat I met with my Doctor friend.  Lucas ended up calling me saying he wanted to leave retreat because all they did was sing and some other stuff he didn't feel comfortable with.  I wasn't sure what to do....so I decided to at least take a ride to the retreat location just to be closer to Lucas and thankfully the Doc decided she would go with me.  I just wanted to get there and see what I felt.  I know it sounds strange, but I honestly have been trying to trust more in my feelings and instincts and so far it has really helped me a lot.  I think part of being authentic is really listening to your heart and your God.  I prayed about this retreat and I waited and waited for a sign.  I was on the fence about sending Lucas, but I went along until something told me otherwise.  As we were waiting for the bus I seen a couple people who touched my heart; one was a local BU college student (female) and the other was Joe a man I've met before.  I spoke with the girl first and she was such a beautiful girl inside and out.  Joe spoke to me as always and I can tell by his kind eyes he is a good man.  As Joe was leaving he asked us to pray for him and I had a sense he meant it.  Rob did practically threaten everyone to watch over Lucas and if anything happens to him.........  So that too had me feeling a bit better.  If I didn't have Rob to lean on as well as quiet me down when needed things could have gone differently.

So anyway back to the story.  We drove to Sky Lake which is about a 30 minute drive and it was beautiful to spend time with my good friend.  As we got into the property there isn't much not to love with all the trees and fresh air.  This is a place I had checked out the day before as well- so I would know where it was when I had to pick-up Lucas.  As we wandered about and looked at the lake I decided he should stay and the she agreed.

In the end Lucas admitted that yes he was glad he stayed as he enjoyed mass and confession.  He really liked Sky Lake as well and wished they had gotten to do more outside.  It was too bad the organizer wasn't the best fit for Lucas and wasn't the most prepared, but at least Lucas enjoyed the important parts.

I'm so lucky to have so many wonderful around to support me with such stuff.  I feel so blessed.  It was such a blessing to have Doc with me as she was an angel of a friend.  I don't know many of my friends who would have the time to drive out to Sky Lake as I try and make up my mind, but she did.  As her and I decided to check out the Founder's Lodge we were sitting in the Lodge when it started to fill up.  A lady came to me and was handing me a book in which I said- Oh no that's OK.  Well she looked at me like I was strange so I said - Oh wait I mean yes- thank you.  Well it was book of hymns.  As we sat it was clear we were in a service.  The singing began and her and I just went along.  At one point I had to smile....here I had been waiting for a sign from God and now I'm standing in a Lodge singing hymns with the Doc-  I looked over at her singing right along with me and thought - GOD is so good....I asked for help and as hard as is it to just wait and be quiet to listen I did with the help of my family and friends and I got an answer.  Sometimes we get so caught up in a problem and it's super hard to keep our mouth shut or our mind from reeling, but we need to calm it down to hear.

This is the hymn I feel in love with~ It's so beautiful:
The service was I believe Methodist and was very nice-  I enjoyed it a lot.




Here are the words:

The Summons

Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown? Will you let my name be known,
will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name?
Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen,
and admit to what I mean in you and you in me?

Will you love the "you" you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around,
through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?

Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In Your company I'll go where Your love and footsteps show.
Thus I'll move and live and grow in you and you in me.

He never asked until

Lucas and Me

 I'm working with some girlfriends on working out and losing some extra weight gain and it's taking a lot of time- just trying to fit in exercise, food shopping, food prepping and everyday life stuff.

I had my D&C and everything looked fine there- we just have to wait for additional test to come back, but like I said I'm pretty sure it's all OK.  Yesterday I tried to get all my medical stuff in order because one of my goals this year is to take better care of myself.  I want to declutter some things, organize somethings and really relax more.  Maybe I should say quiet time or prayer/meditation time!!!  The other night I wanted to take a bath and use one of my Lush products I've never used before called a bath bomb.  Although our tub doesn't hold water I just laid there while it emptied- very slowly (thank goodness) and it felt so amazing.  I'll post a picture of my bath bomb- I really loved it, but it was a bit of a waste as I couldn't soak it in.  I'm gonna purchase a tub plug at an antique store...lol.  No really-   I think I see them at PriceChopper.

So as I was saying I'm getting more on top of my medical stuff like taking all my vitamin and minerals and knowing exactly how much I'm taking and of what.  After my last couple of trips to Lourdes and being asked about these I really feel like a slacker in that area.  I'm really happy to report to them that I don't take my other meds for depression or anxiety!!!

There are times that are definitely tough- I recently found out a cancer friend of mine that was diagnosis-ed after me at the young age of 33 is now 35 and it's back.  The hardest part of this for me is thinking about her boy who is 14 years old.  He asked her back in October if the cancer was all gone after one of her scans and she was happy to report to him that they didn't see any.  Then in November it was back.  What makes this even harder for me is that Lucas has never asked one question about my cancer until recently.  We were at a drive-thru at McDonald's before Christmas time and he asked when my 5 years was up.  I didn't even think he knew about the 5 year thing.  Now I know he never asked me anything- but I know he probably does worry about it and I hate that about cancer.  Do what you want to us, but please leave our kids alone- they don't deserve it!  As a kid I didn't even know what cancer was!  It's so unbelievably unfair.  I don't know what made Lucas think about it- it could be something he heard in health class I don't know.  I didn't know what to say- I never like to be too optimistic as to jinx myself, but I can't have him live under my cloud.  NO one should - not even me.  So I guess it's back to realizing none of us knows what's in store for us.  A perfectly healthy person could lose there life walking across the street.  I truly am like everyone else- only I know that I want to live a better life and enjoy every minute- and I want Lucas to as well.  My friend doesn't know what to tell her boy and I'm not sure either- there's no good way to tell a boy such a thing- all there is to do is just mother him as long as physically possible- and then teach him to feel that love after you are gone....like when he feels the warm sun on his face or spots a little flower blowing in the wind or hears the birds early in the morning or when he does something he is really proud of.

Anyways hearing this news could really bring you down, but I made it through it.  And it made me think about myself and Lucas and that he had asked me had been replaying and replaying in my mind so all of this is coming together for me and I see better now what I need to be doing.  No one was going to tell me about this and I see why- but they needed some help from me and I was happy to help them.  In the end helping someone helped me and Lucas.  I love my Lucas so very much.

Back to my stuff- All this stuff going on got me to really think about Dr. Deng (integrated medicine)  and I pulled out his sheets and reprinted them- organized all my supplements and am ready to roll.  I also made an appointment with Dr. Deng to see if there is anything new out there I need to know about.  I'll go to him in April.

I'm also going to get back on track with my gastro guy- I was suppose to do a culture- I never did so I'll be doing that as well.....and I waited so long they are punishing me by making me go to my primary doctor again.  Around here some offices are so rude and treat you like crap it amazes me.  Oh well.  I believe he is a good doctor, but his office people are NOT so nice.  And seeing I'll be back at my primary I guess I will start back up with my blood testing I never did concerning my Vit. D levels and anything else he thinks should be checked.

I didn't do that culture because I just felt so worn out from appointments that I was letting things slide because I was just plain fed up with being a patient.  I don't want to have all these doctors and pills to take, but I want as much healthy time on this planet as possible to have TONS of FUN with my family!!!  So I'll do what I'm suppose to - BUT I will not resign myself to the PATIENT mentality- if you have met someone like this you know what I mean.  I love those people and I totally understand how they can resort to that out of immense fear- I feel it too sometimes, but I continue to keep fighting it.

And now onto fun stuff-

We went bowling for Rob's bday and it was so fun!!!

This is such a cool picture- I never seen behind the scenes before!  

Do you see the guy sitting in one of those big red cylinder?

His one leg is out.  So neat!

Here is my bath bomb- huge huh

Well - it's been a while.

Right before Christmas I got the worst flu ever!!!  I also gave it to Lucas and we spent a week together in our house- sick!

I was doing so good organizing my Christmas stuff then I got sick and everything sort of fell apart.  I was so sad to not get my Christmas cards out in time and hadn't decorated the tree.  Thanks to Rob a lot of stuff got done I was just unable to do!  And Thank God for my mama who fed us.

So it's Friday after the Holiday and I'm back on the scale and ready to resume my fitness stuff after a long break.  The only good thing about the flu was that I didn't gain weight!

I'm trying to keep my fluids up as I still don't feel 100%.  I love my new LifeFactory bottle!

I'm gathering a couple of recipes together for a party I have tomorrow night

White Russian

Kraft Artichoke Dip

I'm debating on wearing this to the party?

The New Year is almost here and I'm working on setting some goals for myself!! 

Yahoo

Wowza- So MUCH going on!!!!

$16 Christmas Dress

Well I had such a nice vacation away with Rob!  It was nice to get away for Our 4yr Anniversary- I can't believe it's been 4 years- that seemed to go by SO quick!  That's a long time- I've never been married that long. lol.

Getting away is probably the best Anniversary gift ever!

As soon as we got back it was Thanksgiving and I did my first 8k with my girl AMY!!!  I'm so lucky to have a friend like Amy- if it hadn't been for her I would have never done it.  I don't know if I would have even started running like I have been- had she not have posted her running on FB.  The other night when we were out she reminded me that I had run before- (because I constantly tell her I don't like running) I did run before when I was married before.  I was under a lot of stress and I would just go out side and run - fast as I could to try and get some relief.  It was no where near the running I do today- so I'm thinking that could be my reasoning behind always saying I hate running.  I need to turn that around and really think about- I couldn't possibly hate running and run like I do?  NO way - so ya know what I like running- I'm not a super star, but I like running and I honestly think if I couldn't run I would surely miss it. 

I had fun Amy!!

We had a great Thanksgiving with Family and Friends!!  I miss them all now :(

So I'm trying really hard to get a jump on things this Christmas- but first I felt the need to organize my house.  I know this sounds absolutely crazy from a slob.....well I'm not really a slob at heart....lol.

This weekend I began my kitchen cabinets and pantry.  I should have taken before pictures- but I didn't think of it.  Not only did I go through every spice and every expiration date I also made myself an excel spreadsheet so I know what I have!  So many times I buy stuff I already have.  What I really liked going over was the liquor- I like my collection and I can think of a couple things I'd like to add  :)
Rob got a good laugh at all my crazy notes and lists......I feel nutz sometimes......like obsessive compulsive in a bipolar fashion!!!!  Am I the only one who does stuff like that- like I have stuff all over and then one day I will organize like I love it?

Next - like tonight I want to deal with these 2

So another part of Christmas is Lucas' Birthday, Christmas outfits, Christmas cards, and gift wrapping.  SO I set up an area to do just cards and an area to do just wrapping- WOWZA- I'm SO excited!!!  Part of Christmas dressing is knowing what you have and what you need- I had organized a lot of my clothes a couple of months ago so I'm good there- I know have to work more on Lucas' attire.  This weekend I also cleaned my washing machine from another season of seal coating.  I'm thinking of going to the Laundromat with the dog's bed clothes- pet hair is GROSSing me out lately.  Wow was my washer dirty- yuk.

Speaking of dressing- I have my holiday dress and it's from one of my favorites- I don't think I'll even mention the store- see if you can figure it out.

Look at this adorable outfit for my little nephew Sam

and I LOVE this outfit- I already have the sweater

yeah it's Kmart....that dress was only $16- now I just have to accessorize it!  And speaking of accessorizing DON'T forget to stock up on your hose!!!  Especially if you are lucky enough to have little ladies living in your house!!!

As a young wild single girl I did many last minute runs for stockings!!!  I've learned to always have a pair to spare.  Oh and Santa panties can't hurt.

Life moving on.....late posting

These legs better get their job done on Turkey day!!!

 

I better get rid of at least a couple of pounds - it's only fair if I expect these legs to carry me around.

Well I'm a little late getting this out- but it's been a little busy.  I'm trying really hard to get more organized so that Christmas won't be too stressful and more enjoyable!

We are also starting to get moving with our piece of land.

This is where our house will go

Even Maggie got up to the land...

It's very exciting and a little scary all at the same time! 

I absolutely love our family pictures we had taken by Annie Sullivan Photography.

It was fun and Annie made it a sucess- she even got Lucas to laugh!

To see a picture where the 3 of us are laughing is really priceless- I cried

So my weight was up- but since I've started back up with my FitnessPal I know why- I LOVE to eat.  I eat a lot of stuff all day long.  I love to eat.....so I need to pull it back a bit.

As time gets closer for the Turkey Trot I'm getting more nervous.  I just can't imagine running along people- I do a lot of self talk pushing myself, so I hope I can handle it.  I'm not a runner runner so I wonder how I will do.....I'm just plain scared.  So glad my friend Amy will be there too.

A long over due post....

I think we need to share more beautiful things about people we love......
I love reading about other people's love......the last couple I read ended tears as the loved ones had passed.  I don't want to wait till then to tell some very special people how beautiful they are - and loved!

My wonderful husband

In life you sometimes end up where you didn't plan and you wonder what it is you are going to end up re-dreaming.  When I got married at 27 I imagined having a family.  Quickly it was clear to me I had to make an enormous decision not only for myself, but especially for my beautiful baby boy.  My new dream was to grow a strong independent man.  After a police officer told me the next time he comes to my house he was going to have to call social services, and my grandmother passing I realized I need to make a better life because life is too short.  After those two eye opening events I made some very difficult yet important decisions and I was able to get out of my dysfunctional home and start a new journey.  Being alone with a little one is never easy.  I longed to share my life with someone, but knew it was going to take some time.  I needed to heal as well as keep my son healthy and happy.  Many times I would go in my backyard and look up in the sky and wonder what my future husband was doing at that very moment.  I set the intention that I would work on myself to prepare for my future with someone special and my beautiful son.

Then one night I met a man that would change my life.  Robert Podrazil

We dated and dated and finally married and it was one of the best days of my life.  Our wedding was perfect to us.  I only wish my grandmother was there to meet Rob. 

I am so lucky to have found such an amazing husband.  Those days I stood in my backyard and dreamed of a future husband I knew nothing.  I may have thought I knew what I was hoping for, but I never would imagined loving someone the way I love my husband.  I used to always think of my life in terms of me and what I need to do.  Now I know there is no more me it's us.  I don't ever want to be without Rob.  I can't even begin to imagine a my life without him.  I want him with me always.  Summer is a time when we don't get to do much together because he is working so hard for us.  I miss him a lot this summer.  I can't wait for fall to come and his season to end so we can do stuff together again. 

Rob is so funny and he loves friends and family so much!  Rob always makes me laugh and hanging out together with him is the best of times.  I couldn't have chosen a better man for Lucas to look up to and learn from.  His love for Lucas is the ultimate gift to me.  When I was sick my biggest fear was dying and wondering what would happen to Rob and Lucas, because I knew they would be heartbroken to be split up in any way.

Rob is so strong and yet he has a huge heart.  He had to go through so much when I was sick and I don't know how I would have done it without him.  At first I felt alone when they told me, I went back to my survival mode of thinking- what am I going to do to get through this?  But then Rob was there and we were in a situation we never planned on and he stepped up.  The night he told me I was going to make even if he had to pull me through I believed him.  The cross he made me stayed with me all the time.  He always came home with stories from other survivors and prayers from friends and customers.  He stayed in touch with our pastor and made sure I got back on track when I felt so down.  My first chemo was on his birthday- what a birthday- I was going to change that appointment, but he insisted I keep it.  So we spent time together in the city before my appointment and it was the best time.

I will never forget the last time we were intimate before my body was never to be the same.  We said pretty much nothing and as much as I think we didn't feel it at first it was a beautiful bittersweet moment.  We were so in tune- no words were needed.

I'll never forget the car ride home from the city after getting the bad news about my lymph node- my dad and mom were there, dad was driving and Rob slid me a note saying "take a xanax"........it's too bad I hadn't brought any.  Rob knew I was very upset- as he was too- but again he was thinking of me. 
.
After all the cancer stuff I was left very different.  This was a huge adjustment.  I felt like I went through the ringer and pretty much looked like that, but Rob said nothing too much.  It was Rob who literally took me by the hand and escorted me to the gym nightly to help me.  That wasn't easy either.....I'd weigh myself- I'd cry, I'd complain about the weights, the reps you name it.  He just kept up with it and even made me my first weight journal.  This fall I hope to used it a lot with Rob by my side.  He constantly encouraged me and pushed me when needed.  If I look good and healthy he's owed a lot of credit.  When he tells me I look good and I tell him thanks to him he always tells me I did it.

I'm so blessed to have him.  He has done so much for me and he has given up a lot too.  I know he continues to suffer some of the remnants of what cancer has taken from us.   I hope like me he knows it's us and not just him.  I will always be there for him. 

I know we are as one and I hope we leave this planet years and years from now at the exact same time- I just can't imagine our life apart ever.
He is the dream I never got to dream~ only live!

I love, love, love you ROBERT PODRAZIL!

 

Well I'm at a stand still and rising on my weight loss

With Lucas being away as well as my mom- I've been super busy!!!

It was great getting away with Rob a couple of weekends ago~

 And my very little garden managed to get me one of these~

I am starting  a new challenge at the gym with a friend so I'm hoping that helps with my weight loss.

Somethings I'm into lately

For some reason- I'm craving a salmon burger- I'm gonna try this recipe on the weekend-

Click on the burger for the recipe.

What to wear to the Kentucky Derby Party????

Khaki Suits

I hope Rob will dress up, but I have a feeling it'll be one of these

Silver tinted glassware

My own Derby Attire

I'm working on it

I've been thrift and vintage store shopping.......

 

Parade Day Had Me A Blast

 XX