FIVE

Whenever I see a movie and it has breast cancer in it I tend to not like watching it.  IT pretty much just hurts.  I'm going to tune in tonight and watch FIVE- because I'm hoping it has a message of HOPE.
It's on Lifetime tonight at 9- I hope someone will watch it with me......I think the guys are watching some Chopper show.  We'll see.

Yeah- NO more- Take all the lymph nodes!!!

A wonderful study concluded that has actually caused Sloan Kettering to change their practice!

If you have a early stage breast cancer
with a lumpectomy (and radiation)
and under 4 lymph nodes with cancer
NO removal of all lymph nodes!

But if you have a mastectomy
(with no radiation) this will not be the case

How this would have affected my treatment?- Well I may have been able to have my mastectomy and after finding my 1 Sentinel Node was positive and I would be having radiation- I may have passed on all my nodes out. I'm OK they are all out and it was the thing to do at that time.  My case had some particulars that helped with my decision- BUT this study is great news.
It's great that they are constantly tweaking the treatment to make it better for us girls. Thank you Dr. Monica Morrow and everyone involved in the study.

You can watch my surgeon explain:
turn off or pause my music at the bottom

Well it's my 1st blood test today!

This is how they are going to monitor me- no scans- a blood test.  They will check tumor markers.  I hope to get results Friday!

I'm excited and a bit nervous.  In my heart I feel like I'm going to be OK and the test will be good.  I struggled with prayer and it's amazing how many signs I got from above to continue praying.  I have a friend from Healing Mass who told me about a place I may want to go to pray.  My very good friend Barbara continues to help me along and she definitely makes me feel good and brings such strong faith to me.  I know these people are working the BIG GUY - I know it and believe it in my heart. 

I don't know what it is about this Christmas, but I often just want to cry.  At dinner with Rob I just started crying and couldn't think why.  I worry a lot that this Christmas has to be good because who knows what's around the corner.  I feel sad Lucas is growing up, my parent's and Rob's are getting older.  It's hard to explain- and Rob even said - Gee Danielle last year around this time we didn't even know if you would be around!  WHAT! YIKES!  Did he just really say that?- Oh no     He's right though- how fast I forget.  That's part of the problem- you would think I would be SO over the top happy, but I'm so scared.  I'm a little stuck- I want to do Christmas stuff, but certain things I can't.  I'm having a hard time shopping for Rob and Lucas.  It actually feels sad. 

I read somewhere that people in similar circumstances do this- Instead of living life to the fullest and doing all the things I thought I might never get to do - I'm coast along.  This is done subconsciously- because if something isn't that good/fun the loss of it won't hurt so bad.  I know this is my problem and I'm still struggling with it.

I've seen how fast life can go away and feeling it as deep as I did- beat me down a bit.  I no longer can live like there is no tomorrow because I actually felt like I wasn't going to have a tomorrow.  Cancer sucks in that way.  And it's not just about me it's my amazing little boy who I love so much and the thought of not being here for him is very very painful.  BUT I am here and I need to keep telling myself what I learned at Doorways to Healing-

What are you afraid of Danielle:  dying
Danielle what do you want:  to liveWell Danielle - the good news is You're alive! 
so get at it girl....

I know there will be a point when I turn over this huge ROCK of FEAR!  

Oh gosh - I wanted to buy Dr. Seidman a gift and had no idea what to get.  Well I did have an idea, but I waited too long and time got away from me!  So tonight I bought a singing Chihuahua -  He sings....Senorita Please don't Dance with Santa Clause........

Oh he's on youtube
Pause the music at the bottom- so you can hear him sing

Body Image and Healthy Update

Well after last week taking some time off of the gym due to my nerves concerning my hysteroscopy and DandC- (because my uterine ultra sound showed a polyp he's going to remove) - I was suppose to have last Friday. I'm back at it!


I really missed Heather (my gym trainer)- as much as I dreaded going and telling her I was totally so stressed I couldn't get myself to the gym. Well she was great as usual and reminded me again that it's a process and will take time. We did do my measurements and weight- 136.7lbs (lost 2lbs) measurements: 40/33/41 What the heck? Oh well it's a process. I was happy to lost some weight.

My body image is getting better and the other day something really nice happened- I took a shower and seen myself in the mirror (you know my breasts) and I felt empowered- like hey I look different and probably not normal to most, but HELL I earned every inch of it and I'm darn proud of it! It was a great feeling.  I had a wonderful Sunday at mass so my heart could be soaring because of that.

It's hard when you have breast cancer it tears you apart inside and out and takes away a lot of femininity and of coarse there is no sex drive until......................one day you are at the gym and you realize you just looked at that guy and felt a little something! You know that feeling you get when you see a real handsome guy? Well I haven't cared much about anything like that in what seems like a long time.

So another little test was tonight at the gym I told Heather in the beginning I didn't need to workout in the women's section - I was fine with co-ed and up until last night I was.

There is a section of the gym where the big guys hang out and do some lifting and I haven't been over there and I'm just getting used to glancing over and enjoying the view. So last night Heather decided it was time to start me on back exercised and she takes me over to the big guy section and she sits down (on a row type machine) and says "You need to hold this and sit up straight and stick your girls out." I wouldn't mind this except tonight I decided not to wear my insert because sometimes it's just not comfortable and it sometimes escapes from my bra cup and settles in my cleavage.

As I watched her I thought - I'm gonna say "Heather- I'm not comfortable doing this one". Well I didn't - I sucked it up and did it with 1 of my girls bigger than the other. THANK GOODNESS the guys at the gym like looking at Heather more that anyone because that was the only thing that saved me.
I was proud I did- I really do want to be comfortable with my body- differences and all! I'm lucky my body has really fought for me and I owe it that much!

Another reason I can feel good about myself is because strong women before me have shown me that all is beautiful!

1in8 Project

In other health news- Pilates is going good. I missed one class last week for the same reason of missing the gym- WELL this week I will have my procedures Friday and I'll miss a Pilates class again- Darn! It's so hard, but it's so addicting! I love the Pilate's reformer!

Looks fun huh? It is one of my favorites!

OK - got some blood work back

my hemoglobin is low- 10 (i just started taking iron)

white blood cell count- good

Vitamin D - 31.5 (normal range is 30-80) I was told to take 1000mg daily
I want my Vitamin D to be at least 50 so I increased my D to 5000mg daily
Doc told me to continue with 1000- but I'm making the increase on my own because I can! lol
EVERYONE should check their Vitamin D- MEN AND WOMEN

My BIG blood test will be December 16th after my visit with Dr. Seidman. I will meet with him and give blood where they will look at what are called tumor markers. In my heart I feel like I'm clean, but I still feel nervous and it's never far from my mind. I haven't been good about emptying my mind before bed like I've been told. Sometimes I just get mad and think to myself I'm not going to let this ruin my Christmas stuff!

Eating is getting better - I try really hard to get EXCITED about all the different colored veggies and one way to do this (for us visual beings) is to look at pictures of delicious looking colorful veggies:

Raw Kaboobs

(no it's not a typo- like usual) I'm calling this kaboobs because raw veggies are good for you boobs

(gliving)

Ya know what I'm learning is that LIVING WITHOUT no matter what it may be a boob, sugar, meat, a job, a partner- it can make you stronger and you can have it all with love of self/God.

It's hard to go along merrily when a breast cancer survivor passes and this week it was Elizabeth Edwards. The thing we have to learn from Elizabeth Edwards (an intelligent woman) is that YES you do need mammograms! Elizabeth did not go for her mammogram like is suggested (at 40). She found an egg sized tumor while showering. She would tell you herself that she should have gone for the mammograms.
They know so much about breast cancer; like where it starts and it's path through the body SO it's good to go and catch it early. Breast cancer is one of the better cancers to have- BUT catching it early is the key.
CHECK yourself and Get your MAMO!
This week I've dealt with some anger- which I'm not sure why- everything is going so well- I think in the back of my mind cancer in the news makes me a bit moody!

Vitamin D, How Does It Contribute To A Woman's Health?

What a great day!

I'm a fan of Bette

Well I met with my plastic surgeon and he said I did pretty good with the radiation.  There is a little bit of tightness, but not bad.  I'm still tan there so he wants to wait a bit till I get my nipple.  Well I have an appointment of March 3rd to get my nipple- yeah.  We had 3 options- 1st a tattoo of a nipple, 2nd he will gather the skin on my breast and make a raised area (like a nipple) and then tattoo, 3rd skin graft from somewhere else and then sew it on.  We decided on #2- which can be done right in his office.
We asked about the scar on my other breast because it's pretty red and raised- we are going to wait and if it doesn't go down on it's own he can inject steroids in it and help break it down.

Met with my breast surgeon and I got 2 breast exams- and they were excellent!  No lumps No bumps!  I will have my next mamo May 2nd.  I was so happy with my appointments, but I immediately start thinking of my next appointments and start to worry.  I'm getting better- but it's still hard.  I'm trying really hard this time to just enjoy the good appointments I had.

My next appointments are Dec 2nd with my oncologist- which I'm assuming blood work will be done to check tumor markers.....people worry about scans, but since I don't get scanned I will worry about my blood work.  Well I'll try not to.

Dec 3rd I will have my D&C and have that polyp removed.

Speaking of my uterus- I was able to visit my survivor friend in the city Francesca!  She is so sweet to us.....we ate good food and enjoyed some 25year old balsamic vinegar.  She gave me a Susan G Koman hat!  She's a uterine cancer survivor who does the Susan G Koman in the city and she is one strong lady.  Uterine cancer treatment can be very difficult for women- they go through some very invading procedures.

So anyways as we sit down I hear this song playing and I'm like - what is this song I know I know it.  I just couldn't figure it out and then finally I did.  A Man Without Love- BETTY'S favorite was singing!  Engelbert Humperdinck!  I couldn't believe it- How could that happen.  I mean Betty LOVED him so much.  I forget how many times she seen him in concert and actually in her casket she held her rosary and her tickets to the next Engelbert concert which she will now be watching from heaven.  I took that as a sign from Betty to live a little and enjoy myself.  WoW.  If anyone can get a message from heaven it would be smart little Betty.
Thank you Betty.

Also I'm so thankful for my mother in law for taking care of the dogs all day.  Thankful for Lucas' friend and his family for taking care of my little Lucas.  Lucas was so sweet to text me about my appointment.  I love that kid.    

I have a new book I'm reading
Getting Well Again- Carl Simonton- it's old but it's a good one.  I'm hoping to meditate more and use visualization.

A couple of blogs I follow that I Love:
The Carcinista- she is a wonderful writer and her recent post was one of the most beautiful things I read.
Dancing with Cancer- another wonderful woman who is kind enough to share their experiences and show us that you can live with cancer and even beat it right till the end.
These women make me believe that I could stand up to cancer no matter what- I love them for that.

My pilates workout is getting a little easier and I'm starting to look foward to class instead of dreading it.
I lost another pound - they are slow to leave but I think the pounds will come off.  Writing everything down that I'm eating is helping a lot and Heather has been so good with helping make some changes in my food choices.

Thank you Thursday

Well my health care team- I love them all!!!!  I went from barely having one doctor to having a few.  As much as attention is great it is super scary to me that I have this many doctors to deal with.  Eventually they will go away- I HOPE.  Even so I feel such strong feelings of gratefulness to each one of them.  They each had their own special way of making me feel like I was O.K.- because the last place I ever wanted to be was in a doctor's office or at a hospital!

Today I will have my annual Obgyn appointment and I must say I'm scared and I will be waiting and waiting for my results.  I will also have a list of questions for the Doc.  I guess eventually appointments won't bring me so much stress. 

Dr. Michael Farrell (Lourdes)- OBGYN
I've already blogged about how nice this doctor is- a truly wonderful doctor!
His kindness is REAL.

Dr. Steven Spivak (Lourdes)- Internal Medicine
Well this doctor was not taking new patients and when I was looking for a doc a dear friend of mine spoke to him for me and asked if he could please take me as a patient and he did- I am so blessed to have him for a doctor!  He is wonderful and he is an Internist- love that! 

Dr. Raymond Buglione (Vestal Dental)- Dentist
Always loved Dr. Ray- when I first met him I told him I didn't like pain and I have never felt pain in his chair- even when the shot goes in, it's like nothing!
So sweet the office was when I was starting chemo to give me some Biotin toothpaste and wash.

Dr. Monica Morrow (Sloan Kettering)- Breast Surgeon
The reason I ended up staying at Sloan was because of Dr. Morrow- she made me love being there.
Love her, Love her- She is strong and right to the point- she can cut me open anytime!!
She hates cancer! 

Here's a book she helped write:

Dr. Babak J Mehrara (Sloan Kettering)- Breast Reconstruction Surgeon
Well he's right to the point and doesn't need much personality being he is very good looking. As time went on I seen his funnier side and I really like him and his work. 

Dr. Andrew Seidman (Sloan Kettering)- Breast Cancer Oncologist
LOVE HIM
When he told me to get dressed and he would tell us how we are going to live "Happily Ever After"............. I believed in him!
Always made us feel at ease and took his time with us.
Hand wrote out my prognosis  

Dr. Simon Powell (Sloan Kettering)- Radiation Oncologist
Great personality- Great doctor!  He is VERY thorough and has an eye for detail like commenting on my accessories!  I will miss him and his British accent.  Oh and he wears great ties!  

Dr. Gary E Deng (Sloan Kettering)- Internal Medicine

Specializing in complementary and alternative medicine with respect to cancer.
Haven't even met him yet, but his assistant was wonderful and very helpful- I'm hoping he will help me navigate through all the stuff I've been reading and let me know what's good and what's not.  

Kathy McGregor (MindFull Pilates)- Certified Pilates Instructor
Tough and Sweet
Super Smart
She is authentic and she lives what she teaches!

Heather Bracco (American Family Fitness)- Professional Trainer
She not only looks tough - She is!
Heather is also very very sweet and has experience with training other survivors.
She always willing to help with whatever I'm having problems with.
No Picture of Heather, but 

Here's a treat my trainer when she was competing

Tamoxifen, Exercise, Hair, Eating, and Pink Eye!

Well I don't know but I'm starting to think I need to be more careful about taking care of myself as far germs.  I now have pink eye in both eyes!  YUK

So I did talk with a nurse about my period and it's normal to get my period back especially because I'm SO young!!!!  Yeah I'm young!  Boo it only makes me think I probably could have gotten pregnant if it wasn't for cancer.  Oh well.  I am really sort of glad to get my period after thinking about it.  My body is going ahead with normal stuff and I'm glad to maybe not be going through menopause.  I've been reading up on hormones and it's very interesting!  If you don't have cancer I suggest you do some reading yourself about estrogen- because there are a couple different kinds of estrogen.  There's good and bad- and I learned pomegranate juice has almost the same effect as my Tamoxifen.  Remember my cancer like a lot of women is driven my estrogen.

Well I lost 2lbs - Yeah.  It was really hard only having 1000 calories!  I don't know if I actually only ate that many, but I tried really hard.  I'm having a hard time getting in 420cal burning cardio activities as, but I'm trying more and more.  I did my leg routine at the gym all by myself- so proud of myself.  I ended up going to the gym at 9:30 after making sure Lucas was in bed.  I didn't want to go when there was a lot of people there because I have a fear of the machines.  Well I was there with about 4 other women and a dozen men- and guess what nobody bothers you- because I think they were all there for the same reason to get it done and not be bothered.  I went on the treadmill and while watching Jersey Shore burned only 120 cal.  I didn't watch the whole show.  So I think I'll be ok with the gym I'm at and I love my trainer there.

Pilates- SOOOOOO hard for me.  Last session- I had a hard time with some stuff and at some point I wanted to cry.  It was so frustrating to be asked to put your foot here and not be able to do it with out using my hands!  My legs are so weak- arms too.  I was getting really upset and my instructor was so kind to ask if I was ok.  She then switched it up for me- because I'm so short I need negative gear.  The good news is I'm ready to go into a class- mentally I'm not ready but, if she thinks I can do it I'm gonna try.

My hair is so curly and I really get sick of it sometimes.  I did finally get a cut because growing in a buzz cut I did myself wasn't that easy to work with- besides the hair that is coming out still has chemicals from treatment- SO I finally have what they call "Chemo Curls"!  I'm very happy I don't have any grey.  A lot of people ask me if I dyed my hair- it's super DARK.  I always had DARK hair- just always colored.         
I went to a real great girl for my haircut- she was great with my curls.

5/14/2010

last chemo 4/19/2010

7/9/2010

ok here is my hair before my haircut

9/25/2010

Here is my hair after the cut

9/25/2010 - BABY'S 1ST Haircut 

See it had more of a shape and looked like an actual style 

    

So eating is hard for me because I often tell myself- If anyone deserves a Reese Cup - I DO!  Bad huh?  Boo hoo for me - I know!

So one of my last conversations Betty talked with me about my weight and eating and she said what she did was buy her favorite bar- Milky Way in the miniature size and at night she would treat herself to 1!  So I'm thinking maybe a miniature Reese every now and then at night will be good.

But I also read this lo-cal snack

forget what they called it (it's from the BiggestLoser)

Let's call it

Chubby Girl Ice Cream Sandwich!

Low Fat Chocolate Gram cracker

Low Fat/No Fat  Coolwhip    

So you take a Gracker :)

Break it in half

Spread one half with Coolwhip

SandwichIt
by putting the other (1/2) Gracker on top

Put it in the freezer

Eat at night for a sweet treat 

October 6, 2009

OK- I'm only recalling things for a couple of reasons
1. I am still amazed that I made it through
2. I want to make it clear how exactly I handled such bad news
and I won't be reliving this every year...this is it!

It was a Tuesday- I had a biopsy the Thursday before and the Doctor told me that I should call the office on Wednesday (Oct 7th) for results.  I was to call because I could be somewhere where I would want to be to receive my results.  He said he would call me sooner if it wasn't cancer.

I went to work which is actually in my parent's home.  I have an office there I work out of.  I hadn't actually started working because I was having a hard time getting up those days and I would get to work and chat with my mother for a bit.  I was praying every morning and every night- so that is part of the reason my days would get delayed.

Phone rings
Mom:  Danielle it's Bobbie (not her real name)
Me: Hello Bobbie (by now I was thinking oh it's going to be good news)
Bobbie:  Hi Danielle- Are you somewhere where you can talk?
Me: Yes
Bobbie:  Remember what we talked about at your appointment?  (If you would like to hear about that appointment I back posted it- because I wasn't sure about posting it at all it's HERE)
Me: Yes
Bobbie:  It is malignant(((((((((no idea what exactly was said here- some sort of cancer details))))))))))))
Me:  What was the name again?
Bobbie: Invasive Ductal Carcinoma
Me:  Can you spell that?
Me: I wrote it out.....and that's all I remember of that phone call

I guess I told my mom that yes it's cancer.
I must have called Rob and don't remember that conversation.  Rob was working.
Called my father, but couldn't reach him.  Dad was at golf.
Called Rob's parents.  They were going to go to Rob, but I couldn't remember where he was working.

Then it was mom and me- that morning when I was leaving my house I took a sheet with scriptures I was reading and I asked my mom to sit down with me and I would say them.

God's Word will bring you into the Presense of the One who loves you most.  
True Happiness isn't found in the absences of trials.
It is found in the Presence of Jesus.  Even in the midist of our storm, Jesus promises to give us hope and strength to overcome.
Knowing Him is knowing true Peace with your heart.  When you fellowship with Him, nothing or no one can take away that Peace.
Spending time with Jesus shuts all doors of darkness.  With Jesus, comes strength, great courage and fortitude to endure all things.
Phillippians4

There were other scriptures, but this 1st one is so powerful even to me now.  How fitting it was.  That just happened to be the hand-out that night at healing mass at St. Mary's.
So as the scripture said - I spent a lot of time with Jesus!  That's how I could do it...with faith in God.

I don't remember everything so well and that's good.  I know I didn't cry.  I do remember that day mom taking me to Wegmans and the book store.  How funny - but I think we were both thinking "research and eating to cure my cancer".

The days that followed were a lot of praying, talking, walking, reading, and meditating.  I found so much comfort in my parents.  I found myself distant from Rob and especially Lucas- I was terrified of having to cause them any pain.  It felt better to keep away from them- so if anything bad did happen it wouldn't be so painful.  It's wierd how that works and feels when you are so afraid of dying.

Recently my dad remembered that this day was approaching because of his golf outing....that day he got the call before sitting down with his buddies to eat; he told his friends he couldn't stay and came right home.  He was already getting me in touch with other women and researching hospitals.
Dad said to me just the other day when he mentioned about it- "We're the better for it Danielle"
He's right...even though at times it doesn't feel that way- we are.

Sweet Betty

Angel given to me by Betty  

She sent it over to me without even knowing me

Jesus came for sweet Betty.  Betty taught me so much about surviving cancer-
I wish I had her longer.  How am I going to do this without her?  Oh I'll miss her so much- She gave me so much.  I'm hurting today. 

I'm so blessed to have last spoken to her after my Doorways weekend.  Betty was the one who told me about Doorways.  We talked on the phone for 2 hours- the longest we ever got to talk on the phone.  We talked about Doorways and how much we learned from it.  She talked about Earl (her late husband),  Rob and Lucas.

We discussed reading the bible and she told me she had read it at least 11 times now.  She said I should around Christmas time- read the Christmas story in the bible.

We spoke about meditation and Dr. Wayne Dyer- she was reading one of his books.  For being 84 years old she sure was young.  She got me going to different things like a Survivor dinner, Relay for Life and Doorways.  She got a new computer and she was going to start googling she tole me because she had some things she wanted to know.  She was so willing to learn about whatever she could.  I will never forget at the Relay for Life- she was intrigued by Lucas' silly bands.  Watching Lucas explain them to her was so sweet.  I'm so glad Lucas got to meet her.

On the phone we also got to talk about feeling God and not being afraid to die.  I got to share my story about Jesus and the wonderful unexplainable feeling I had one night when I know he was talking to me.  She told me about a time when her mom was sick right before a holiday and they were unsure if she was going to make it.  Well Betty at the time just popped up and said, "She's going to be OK and I'm going to go buy her a dress."  Betty just knew in her heart that her mother was going to be OK.  She said at the time she had no idea why she even said that but that she just had a feeling.  We talked about intuition actually being a sense of God.  She told me about how she believed Earl was with her and the little gifts that were sent her way so she would know.  Like the squirrel with the weird tail that Earl liked or the day Price Chopper sent her the flowers Earl always sent.

We talked about Mother Teresa- How Teresa struggled for not being able to feel God and how that was ok.

I'm so lucky to have met Betty.  She reached out to me a total stranger and gave me so much. 

Betty took me to lunch after all my treatment was done and it was lovely. When she got in the car she gave me a gift of note cards with my name on it (this was the card I wrote my note to my doctor on).  She looked at me and said, "You know you're going to be OK."  "I know you are because of your attitude."  She always spoke to me about attitude towards things.  I will always remember her story when she had woken in the hospital and her family was around with long faces.  See they all knew about the cancer by then.  Betty said to herself "Lady there's two ways this can go"- well as you can guess by now Betty took the high road and she made it. 
At lunch she said, "Now I want you to start forgetting about all this cancer stuff, you and I will talk about different things now".  "Your going to go on with your life now".   She asked me to pray for a friend of hers- that she loved and hoped would be ok.  She was so caring and loving to so many people.
After lunch we went back to her house where we had dessert.  We ate Banjos (she called them-chocolate covered ice cream on a stick).  As we ate them she told me about getting into painting and doing things around my house I enjoyed and she showed me her paint kit.  When we finished the Banjos she cleaned her stick and mine and told me to store them with my own little paint kit to stir my paints.  I'll never forget the article she sent me on jewels because my favorite Audrey Hepburn was in it.  She was so smart and frugal.   She told me to save my money- and sometimes instead of giving money to an organization you can when you run into someone with a problem or sickness just give them some money.  I will cherish my Atta Girl she sent me after finishing treatment.  I will now start that tradition with my family.  She talked with me about sometime going to Kelly's with her and her family, how to reheat pizza on the stove, eating my fruits and veggies, never doing tit for tat with your husband and so much more.  I hope I never forget any of it.  She took me under her wing and told me to call her anytime I was down or scared- after I told her I went off my zoloft.  She had so much knowledge- I remember one time she said to me "Do you know your body is creating new cells all the time and do you know that your body completely renews it's self every 7 years?" "Think about that."  She was always learning and sharing.

Betty loved her kids and grandchildren so much and they cherished her - you could tell.  Family was so important to Betty and she had created a wonderful family.

Betty also loved Engelbert Humperdinck!  I will listen to him when ever I want to think about Betty sitting in her kitchen with me having coffee.

Rob and I attended a Survivor Dinner with Betty and her son and it was so fun.  She was so young at heart and before the dinner we spoke about what we would be wearing- both of us black dresses.  Betty in black- what a classic girl.  She always told me little things I could do for Rob and Lucas.  She missed Earl so very much and reminded me how lucky I was.  Her only complaint was that at times she was lonesome, but she only mentioned it once and it was very quickly.

Rob was so fond of Betty as well.  Now whenever I'm whining Rob will say- Think about Betty.  He knew she was strong.

She had a book going of "Good Things" that happened to her that she wanted to remember.  She told me if she is ever confined to a bed she could pull out that book and read it.  She was a very smart lady.  I had hoped her never to be confined to a bed.  Cancer can be a very cruel disease, but Betty beat it!  So happy was I that she didn't die from cancer.   To know she passed in her sleep makes me happy and it is proof that God was kind to her for all the good she left on this planet. 

This quote seems to sum up what I learned from Betty:

"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it."
— Mother Teresa

God Bless you Betty and enjoy your Earl!
At Last...Heaven.
He's as beautiful as we thought- right?
I love you-
ps
nudge me ever now and then when I'm lost and scared

September 29, 2009

Well I think I'm gonna go over some important days from last year because at the time I could have never done it.  This will probably be a one time deal and then I can let them go. 

It's amazing to me that things happened earlier in my life that affected the way I dealt and thought about the way everything was happening to me.

About 14 years ago I had a manicurist who taught me so much.  Toni spoke to me about how to take good care of my nails; she taught me how to paint and file them and taking care of my cuticles.  Toni also spoke to me about her battle with cancer.  Toni was fighting cancer and she told me some amazing stories about mind over matter and how you need to interview your doctor and you need to like your doctor.  Never settle for what a doctor tells you if you don't believe it in your heart!  She spoke of Bernie Segiel and meditation, conversations with her doctor about what exactly he would be doing and praying with him before surgery.  You would never know she had cancer; she was radiant and beautiful.  She also told me about always wanting the cancer cut out.  "If a doctor tells you he won't operate, keep looking for one that will."  Toni always wanted it cut out.

OK so back to my appointment at the Breast Center

Rob met me there
I was taken back and told to take everything off from the waist up
I sat on the examining table and one of the few magazines there was a little one probably put out buy a drug company or something.  In the magazine I read an article about how to manage life during treatment.  I was amazed that this women went through chemo and radiation and worked.  She talked about her kids and making dinner.  I was so amazed because I probably would just be a mess unable to do anything like that.

Door Knock

Hi  I'm Bobbie (not her real name)
Bobbie:  So you had an appointment with Dr. F and he found a lump in your left breast at about  9 o'clock?
Me:  No it's my right breast
Bobbie: OK
Bobbie: OK I'm going to take a look at your breasts
My gown comes off and she has me bend forward
Bobbie: Have you noticed any changes in your breast appearance?
Me: No not until now -  I see that my nipple is pointing to one side and I did have a huge pain in my right breast during the summer.  I realize I have been favoring that breast.
Bobbie:  Arms out the sides and in the air
She checked my arm pits
Bobbie:  Arms down
She checked my neck and collar bone
Bobbie: You can lay down
She puts my arm over my head and does a breast exam- she attempts to make small talk about me not being married that long- but I don't ever remember any eye contact.
Bobbie: Yes I can feel it
Me:  What do you think it is
Bobbie: I'm not sure.  Do you notice that you can't get it way from the skin?
Me:  Yes- what do you think it is?
Bobbie:  I'm not sure I have seen anything like this before.
Bobbie:  See I can't get it away from the skin
Bobbie: Does it hurt?
Me: Yes
Bobbie:  We are going to get a mammogram today and an ultra sound.
Bobbie:  You can stay in your gown and have a seat in the waiting room
The waiting room is the 2nd waiting room....where all the womenn sit with their gowns on waiting to get called for their mamo or ultra sound and it where you sit to wait to see if you are free to go after.
During this time Rob is waiting in the waiting room.  I call my mom while waiting and I think I told her that Bobbie hadn't seen it before and was unsure what it was.

So I get called in for my ultra sound 1st- well the tech (female) was a stone face and super cold.  She had no concern for my increasing fear as she went over and over my arm pit area.  I did try to speak to her - but no look in eyes.   I took it as BAD.  She was either clueless or just plain rude.

Back to the waiting area....

Next I get called for my mamo- this tech (female) total opposite!  She was chatty and super nice to me.  She talked about purses with me.  I mentioned about how my nipple hurts and she was kind and caring about that.  I had some peace during my mamo thanks to her.

Back to the waiting area........
Waiting.....Waiting...........I've been there a couple hours now
Bobbie or someone walks by and tells me that they are just waiting for the radiologist to read my stuff.

I do manage to go out to the waiting area because I think Rob was getting concerned about how long I was back there.  I let him know what was going on.  Rob has to go to the bathroom and can't wait anymore.  He let's me know that he wants to be there when I talk to the doctor again (which I didn't meet any doctors yet).  Not sure what Bobbie was at the very least a nurse- but with special knowledge of breast care.  So we ask where Rob can go to the bathroom.

I go back and sit....Bobbie comes whizzing by with charts in a hurry and says I'm not going to wait to see what the radiologist has to say I went over your chart with Dr. "So and So".  I ask to let me get my husband.  Well Rob still wasn't back so I ask them to send him back when he gets back.

Bobbie takes me into her office
No lights- a big computer monitor- I sit down
She shows me the mamo and points out 2 masses
She then shows me my ultra sound which is colors and lights
Bobbie:  See this here
At this time Rob walks in and stands behind us
Me: Yes
Bobbie:  This is very suspicious
Rob: (by this time is mad and sick of being in this place) Suspicious for what?
I knew what she was talking about
Bobbie: Cancer
Rob at this point I think was shocked and tearing up
Bobbie: We can also see this pretty good size lymph node and it looks clear.
Me:  Can it be cut out (this is where Toni's talks about cancer came in)
Bobbie:  Yes- you will lose your nipple and probably need to have a mastectomy.
Me: Do you know where it came from (at this point I was worried I was filled with cancer)?
Bobbie: No- but I've seen this many times before. We can see by this that is has it's own blood flow.
Bobbie:  I didn't want to wait any longer for the radiologist because it's pretty clear you are going to need a biopsy.
Bobbie:  Do you have any surgeon you prefer?
Me: No- We don't know any
Bobbie:   Well I can see who can do it as soon as possible
Rob: Yes, we want it done as soon as possible.
Bobbie:  OK - I'll have "so and so" get you an appointment
Now she leads us back to my examining room where I can finally get dressed after hours of being in that gown.  Before I dressed Rob and I just hugged.  Rob cried and I said - no idea what.  I was totally numb.
We step outside and it's raining and I said, "I just can't believe it".

  I couldn't cry.  I called my parent's on the way to their house to pick up Lucas and told them what she thought.

When I got to my parents I just said - Well I'm gonna have to get rid of my nipple that's OK....
My parents seemed shocked as well.  Mom quiet, Dad talking a bunch.  Rob and Lucas were making their way out to the car and as I hugged my parents I said, "I feel so bad for Lucas".  They said "Lucas will be fine".

So that was a very very hard day- I was very disturbed by the way I was treated and today I still get a little mad.  Bobbie was Bobbie and I trust that she is very good at what she does, but I felt nothing from her.  Things do happen for a reason and maybe I needed that so that when I did find out it was cancer it wasn't a total shock.

The thing that's so important when choosing a doctor- you pick someone who makes you feel at ease.  If I had to go back to the Breast Center- I would go to Bobbie again- BUT only for the fact that I know she knows her stuff- BUT if there was someone else with as much knowledge, but a better disposition I would choose them in a heart beat.  You have to do what feels right for you.

I didn't realize how much Bobbie didn't pay attention to me as person until I was back in that office days later and she was in her office and I poked my head in to say "Hi- Bobbie"---Well she had not a clue who I was.  People in the medical field I guess grow numb to people- but it's important they know you ARE a PERSON - NO JUST A DISEASE.  That was what Toni tried so hard to teach people about patients and the medical profession.  In Bobbies defense- yes everything she told me came true- BUT it didn't have to - I had options - had something turned out different.

I love Lourdes hospital- but those two people showed no compassion for my husband or myself.  I did write them a letter.  I do get angry when I think about that tech not even looking at me.  I really just want to forget that day and release the bad feelings that come back to me when I think about it.

I would also like to say that I did call Bobbie a couple times- Once because I was on the computer and scared I had inflammatory breast cancer and another time because I thought I would lose my mind.  She told me not to go on the computer, no I don't have inflammatory breast cancer and to exercise to exhaustion.  She also told me "This is not a death sentence".

This is why- always go to a doctor you trust and maintain your relationships with good doctors- they are so very important!

September 24th Anniversary

Well today I am humbled by this date and very excited at the same time.

September 24th- I went in for my yearly pap smear.

I lied down as the doctor did my breast exam starting on the right side

Doctor: Have you felt this before?

Me: What?

Doctor then took my hand and led it to my right nipple where I felt something very strange like rubber.

Me: No

Doctor:  Well I'm going to have the nurse get you an appointment at the breast center before you leave today.

Me:  OK
this portion of my appointment I have no memory of - pap smear never went so smooth
the next thing I remember is this conversation 

Me:  What could that be?

Doctor: it could be a cyst, but I'm unsure so that's why I want you to go to the breast center as soon as they can get you in.  I'm going to suggest they get you in as soon as today.

Me: Should I start Mammograms now that I'm 40? Duh Danielle- why I asked that?- I think I was still in shock.

Doctor:  We'll discuss that after you have your appointment at the breast center, but yes 40 is when we would usually start mammograms.

Me: Thank you Dr. Farrell

Nurse: They can see you Monday at 2:00

Me: took the card she gave me with my appointment

I walked to my car got in and cried as I thought about Lucas and if I have breast cancer who will take care of him?  I cried hard.

That day was the start of some really hard days

When I got home I kept touching it and then I could feel there were 2 spots that seem connected- I was so disgusted.  How could I have not known?   I had pain in that breast like no pain ever before- to the point of having bent over in pain.       

And then I posted this- and I'm so grateful for all my girlfriends who supported and prayed for me.

SO what to do on this day- CELEBRATE
Today during the day I will be stopping off at Dr. Farrell's office to drop him off a note and flowers.  Dr. Farrell is my doctor because he is so kind and a great doctor.

Here is my note:

Dr. Farrell


One year ago today you found a lump in my breast and in your most calming way you showed it to me and set me up with an appointment at the Breast Center.  You saved my life by doing that breast exam and I am eternally thankful for that.  You were there for the best day of my life; when my son Lucas was born.  You were also there on one of the worse days of my life; and I couldn't ask for a more caring and loving individual to be a part of all that.


You called me after my diagnosis and although I wasn't home I felt such joy and gratitude!


I wanted to get you something, but honestly had not a clue so flowers were my choice.  I'm hoping you will give these flowers to your wife (from you) because you saved someones wife and they too are eternally grateful.  


So you enjoy your beautiful wife tonight - because my husband Rob will be enjoying his beautiful wife tonight thanks to you.


God Bless You
Danielle Podrazil 

A White Blood Cell Chasing Bacteria

OK- how amazing is it that our body heals it's self- I love watching this little movie!

That 1 little (big) white blood cell chasing that bacteria with such determination.....and you mean to tell me we can't do our part to help all those white blood cells out (in) there.
How can we not fight to live when our own body works so hard!

Doorways to Healing

I had a wonderful time at Doorways to Healing....I was able to let go of a lot of stuff.  It was so nice to just let it out and cry, get mad, laugh, sing, dance, meditate, draw and write.  God Bless Dr. Whitney and all my fellow sisters.  

Here is one of my letters
We had to write to our body or a body part

With my left hand I had to write a note back from my body and breast.....

I learned so much about healing emotionally from cancer.

And here is my meditation place

Health Update

Well I had my appointment with Dr. Powell and it seems like I'm going well so far with my implant after radiation.  I was shown exercises to do for my shoulder and also how to move my implant around.  My implant sits in a pocket in there and there is room for movement.  We have to keep it moving just so the scar tissue doesn't form and make it hard.

My weight was skimmed over like I said earlier.

I won't see Dr. Powell for a year  :(

I really like the charming Dr. Powell.....I don't know if it was his British accent, cool ties, his smile OR maybe the fact he would comment on my jewelry and shoes!  I don't know but when some people smile at you, you actually feel like they are sincerely happy to see you.  Besides all that Dr. Powell is one of my favorites because he takes his time with you and he goes over everything.

I got the results from my bone density test and I have some slight bone loss.  It's called Osteopenia- my bone density is lower than it should be, but not low enough to be called Osteoporosis.  We all start losing bone density beginning around age 30, BUT the thicker the bones before that the longer it takes to get to osteopenia.  SO thicken up your bones!  I'll be taking calcium 2x a day.  500 or 600 each.  Maybe I should have drank milk........nah.  I should have eaten more calcium right veggies!


Asked about a colonoscopy....they said no till I'm 50.  Well with the stomach trouble I get I will be getting one sooner I don't care what they say.  I don't know if this has anything to do with it but a friend who has a female onc doctor was told to get one and when I had my last chemo I had a female doc filing in for mine and she said I should get one.  The key to colon cancer is early detection and I believe I'm at higher risk for colon cancer so I'll take care of myself and look into getting one.  I have an appointment with my onc doctor and I will discuss it with him at that time.

No doc appointments till Nov- Meet with my breast surgeon and also my plastic surgeon.  Yeah!

On the home front I've been informed that 1 toe at a time isn't cutting it.....lol
Must dive right in!

Well I will be attending Doorways to Healing this weekend and I'm hoping to learn some coping techniques as well as how to heal emotionally, get my confidence back, move on and so on..... Good things it's the whole weekend because I have a lot to work on.
Was a bit nervous about rooming with someone so I did request my own room- hope I'm not lonely- Yeah right- ALONE is my middle name!  LOL  Oh the days of being a young girl and spending hours in my bedroom alone, I loved it.  I was in my own little world.     

Well when looking up about bones I seen Sally Fields a lot and it's funny because people have told me that I look a bit like Sally Fields.



Or I was told I looked like Marlo Thomas from "That Girl"...probably because I wore my hair and eye make-up like that.  It was a phase I was going through....I may have seen some That Girl re-runs.

I still love that look.

Then there was the time I was told I look like the girl from the Exorcist- Really......NICE

I was hoping they meant this

NOT this

Well on some days I can see the resemblance...it fun when people say you look like people just not a possessed girl.

Had an "AW" moment at my doctor appointment

I had my follow up appointment with my radiologist and they ask a bunch of questions like how I'm feeling and if I have any pain.  Well I am in the habit of always saying something about my weight and they always brush it off and I get mad.  So this last appointment the nurse said to me, "We are always concerned when a patient is losing weight not gaining".  "You are lucky you are doing so good".  So I realized that this person as well as my doctor see a lot of sick people who probably can't gain weight and are dying and here I sit complaining about weight gain- what a jerk I've been.  This whole weight gain has also held back my happiness, because I'm now onto worrying about what I look like and what people think of me.  I'm not letting myself enjoy the happiness I deserve after everything I have been through.  I don't know what it was that made me WAKE UP, but I have a feeling it may have something to do with St. Theresa.  I hadn't been reading my book on her because I'm towards the end of the book and she is dying and I feel like when I'm done with the book she'll be gone.  Silly I know, but it's how I feel.  So anyways I finally starting reading the book again on my trip down to the city and I felt enlightened.

I am so lucky to have felt extreme enlightenment during my nephew's birthday party.  Sam is my Godson and my whole cancer seemed to be around the time he was about to be baptised.  The night before my biopsy I attended a baptism class for Sam.  So his little journey has reminded me of my little journey.  In the beginning of his life I wondered if I would be around to see him grow and now I was sitting here at his 1st Birthday party and other than a cold I felt good; no up coming operation or treatment!  I felt such happiness in my heart like never before as we sang Happy Birthday to him.   

  

There is a fun giveaway at TatorTots and Jello  and
you have to check out this beautiful baby girl
at DearLillieBlog the pictures on this blog are so sweet~

Thank you so much Caity and Matt for the gifts you left me- I love them! 

And thank you again Amy for my necklace............

Thank you St. Theresa for always being there for me.

Thank you for watching over my uncle for me! 

Study: Larger Waist Size Increases Health Risks

When I attended a class at Sloan Kettering this was discussed

Study: Larger Waist Size Increases Health Risks

Breast Cancer Facts & Figures 2009-2010

FYI

Breast Cancer Facts & Figures 2009-2010

This booklet will give you all the facts you ever wanted or didn't want for that matter.

Hug a Soldier

Well I had what was my 1st outing after treatment and I was really excited- sort of.   I knew if I went I could wear sunglasses and chances are no one would know it was me. I was right.  It was nice to walk around and just look at people.  I did stop and talk to 1 or 2 people.  My friend's little girl said to me "Who are you?" and it was sort of funny.  It does bother me that I look so different, but more than that I feel different.  It's harder than you think to just start where you left off and I don't think you can.  After walking around and seeing everyone walking around and having a good time I wanted to cry.  I felt like they were so beyond me- I felt like I didn't fit.  At times I am so happy to tell people I'm done and other times I feel lost.  It's like I've been somewhere that no one knows about.  I say to people I feel like I've been through the war.

All these emotions made me think of people who actually do go to war.  I was reminded of all the soldiers who have lost their limbs and come home with a smile on their face.  This makes me ashamed for crying over a mastectomy.  When I was at my low the 1 and only thing besides prayer that I could think of that would make me feel good was a hug.  No talking just a hug!  Thank God I come from a family that does hug because it helped me a lot.  Many times I would just fall into Rob's arms and let go.  I would enjoy every strong hug from my father like I was fueling up.  I would find comfort in my mom's hugs.  I felt such love from my bro when he would bend down to hug me.  Lucas- well his are the sweetest of all.  Hugs are just an amazing thing and strangely enough I keep hearing and seeing hugs.

So I was thinking about soldiers and all they go through when they are off to war and away from their life.  How hard it must be for them to switch back and become what they once where when in fact maybe they can't.  I have huge respect for anyone serving our country in the service.  When I'm feeling sorry for myself I quickly think of them.

Today on Facebook when I seen this video I couldn't stop crying.  Those amazing people go through so much and then they come home and I'm sure they at times feel lost...... It makes me want to hug everyone of them.

  Mute or Pause my music on the bottom of the page before you play the video.