I had a baby last night

in my dreams...........gee if you didn't know you might actually think wow- great-and then the let down- if you know me you know that couldn't be.

I have been doing my detox and feeling pretty crappy and last night I couldn't sleep well because of a bad back ache.  I finally did get some sleep and I had a really happy/sad dream.

Here's my dream:

I was having a baby and the doctor was well a bag boy/guy (older gentleman) from our grocery store- who in all honestly would make a good looking doctor.  Anyway here's how it went

I had the baby and  and I could hear it crying and then he gave the baby over to me.  Well it was a girl and she was so beautiful; she was chubby with brown eyes and straight black hair.  She was so cute and fresh like newborns when you first get to hold them.  I looked her all over to see she was real and OK, she had a couple of scratches from the delivery and I was a bit mad at the doctor for that, but I was SO happy.  I remember being shocked and then thinking "I have a baby girl, I was just looking at all these cute girl clothes and now I have a baby girl".  I remember thinking it's like a dream come true.  I was so excited and extremely happy I wanted to take a picture of her and send it to everyone, because I knew they wouldn't believe it- I had a little girl.  I thought I better not because Rob will kill me, he hasn't even seen her yet.  So I didn't take the picture.  I then remembered we would have to name her and I had wanted so bad to name a baby girl Theresa Paulina.   I then remember sitting there with her waiting to leave and she had the cutest little brown jacket on and a little baby size yellow scarf.  She started to fuss so I gave her a bottle and I was worried that I didn't have it at the right temperature.  I gave it to her and she would drink a little then play with it and there were little children around and they thought she was so cute.  I thought to myself - she is so cute and already has such a cute personality.  I can't say enough how extremely happy I was it was amazing.

I found this picture which is closest to what she looked like

and as I look at this picture it looks like me when I was a baby

And then I woke up....it took me a second to realize I was waking up from a dream.  I hadn't slept so hard in a dream in a long time.

I went to the bathroom and cried, went to bed and cried some more.  It was like torture.  I hadn't said much about the whole baby thing because I know Rob struggles with it, but I had a bit of a meltdown that morning.  I was sad/mad crying about how cute she was and why would I have a dream like that. 

I'm so blessed to have my baby boy- Some never get the chance to have a baby at all.

I don't know why I had that dream.  Maybe because the one night I came across an old notebook where I had written girls names in it.  Or maybe because Rob and I have to come to terms with our situation concerning a baby.
I had a birthday party for Rob and it was so much fun to have all our friends and family there and after wards he said something to me that made me cry.  He said that he had so much fun and that he has such wonderful family and friends that maybe he can start letting go of the child thing.  I want him to feel good about our blessings what ever they may be.  He is a wonderful dad to Lucas- which is proof that being a parent sometimes has nothing to do with your eggs or sperm.

Going through not being able to have a child carries the same phases as suffering a death.  Rob goes through up and downs with it and  I think my mind was just sorting things out while I sleep.

I wrote this post a bit ago- and just decided I could post it. 

Cancer does Suck! 

But at least we get stronger with each and every challenge it puts on us!

No Breast~Cancer stuff.......Reconstruction of me

Sorry my friends that are probably sick of my breast cancer stuff, but just doing a little update.

Well I haven't posted an update on what's been going on..........nothing much- yeah!
I have my next blood test July 15th  and I do get nervous as it approaches.  I'm being monitored every 6 months with a blood test and yearly with a mamo in my real breast.

Since treatment has finished I have noticed my implanted breast being very tight and at times painful.    I need to stretch it out everyday.

Anyone with an implant can get a hardening of their implant:

As it was told to me before if this gets too painful or I can't stand the looks of it I have the option of them using my own tissue to make me a new breast.  There's a lot to considered:

Pros-
Never have to swap out an implant
My breasts will be better matched
I'll have a nipple
It will not be painful
I'll feel free to have sex with no bra on

Cons-
Putting my family through the process- all this stuff affects everyone
Using my own tissue is a surgery~ do i even believe in doing that to my body?
There will be another scar on my body
If they want to use my belly - lymph nodes will be affected and I'm enjoying them at this time
Money and Time- I would most definitely go to the best surgeon for this and in my research the one I hear good things about is:
Dr. Frank Dellacroce
Otolaryngology, Plastic Surgery
Male - 12 years experience
Center For Restorative Breast Surgery
1717 Saint Charles Ave
New Orleans, LA
MORE info HERE
It's a toss up-

I have to be honest if you are newly diagnosed you really need to do some research on all this.  There is no doubt in my mind my plastic surgeon did exactly what should be done- but unfortunately I had a not so rewarding outcome due to my skin taking a big hit from radiation.  What I have is great for clothing and even a bathing suit as long as I have my prosthesis- but in no way nude does it appear normal.  I have gotten more concerned as I have more pain and discomfort.  I FINALLY was able to share my photo with a woman who has a lot of knowledge on reconstruction for advice.  Through the Breastcancer.org cancer site I found a forum of women going through reconstruction who post their pictures.  This is a very guarded site and you do need to go through an approval process to access it.  Well I have had access for a while, but found it hard to look at.  It's hard to look at picture after picture of breast cancer reconstructions, but when you are wondering how normal you are compared to others it helps.  You don't feel so alone.  I finally needed to look into what it REALLY could look like to get a Tram Flap (my own tissue transplant) and not pictures you find in the doctor's office of their BEST turn outs- I need to see the real stuff that goes on.  It helped a lot and I met a woman who viewed my pictures and let me know what I should do next to fix mine if that is my intention.  I still haven't posted my picture- because it's in good faith they ask you to share if you can- to help others.  Just like you 2 breasted girls we compare our foobs to see who's got the best one..lol. 

I look to woman who got what I got- One reduced breast and one foob.  In doing so I stumbled upon this (not on the private site) woman; A 49-year-old jewellery designer posed with her mastectomy scars to give hope to other victims of the disease.


'The picture is an affirmation of life. It has restored my confidence and made me feel sexy again, says Ms Brassey.

 As a young girl she was approached to do Playboy, but turned them down.  As an adult breast cancer survivor she did agree to do a nude shot.   Sometimes I feel so rotten about my breasts and I miss them a lot, but then you see someone like this and it is inspiring.  You may look at it and feel bad or think it looks pretty bad, but to me it is beautiful.  Before going through this I would have felt very different.  I would hope that if someone would look at me they would see how hard I fought and how much I love just being here and find that beautiful.     

Here she is:

Featured at the Extraordinary Portraits exhibition held at Chelsea Arts Club in London.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1215537/Breast-cancer-survivor-spurned-Playboy-poses-nude-raise-awareness-disease.html#ixzz1QmG5rBoD

This is what I have going on - except for the tummy- I have one.

Some of my scars aren't as bad and some are worse but getting better

I continue to LOVE my bathing suit from Lands End (mastectomy suit)

Thank You Lands End for thinking of us....Uniboobs 

Summer will be a breeze because I also found a spray tan I can live with that I can spray on at home- 

Quick Tan by Body Drench.

I'm loving that after more than a year I can wear my hair back and I'm a smidge away from a baby pony tail.

I'm totally in love with my Certified Manual Lymph Drainage/CDT~  Alana at the Myers Center and CAN'T imagine that if I wouldn't have met her I would never know what I know about my lymph system.  She has taught me how to keep my arm safe as to NEVER get Lymphedema. 

 I've learned how to actually help my lymphatic system by actually doing some manual manipulation on myself. 

What I'm learning to do is to get my fluid flowing away from my (mastectomy) arm which has little to no lymph nodes left.  I direct the fluid to other/ better drainage areas.

My good breast has a very bad scar and thanks to her advice I have been massaging my scar (which is like a rope under my skin) with

100% ARNICA OIL

 and it has gotten so much better. 

GET this oil if you have scarring- LOVE IT.

Alana also told me about LympheDIVAS

I wear a compression sleeve when flying, working out or when doing stuff outside in the heat and it looks something like this:

I was professionally fitted for my sleeve and it works well.

Well at LympheDIVAS I can get a more stylish less constricting sleeve like this:

Sometimes my arm gets a heavy feeling and that's when I put on my heavy sleeve, otherwise I can wear a lighter more stylish one.  I haven't purchased one yet because there are too many to choose from, but I am liking the one above.    

Like this FB page:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/LymphedemaGuru

I found an AMAZING website concerning Organic Make-Up

The GLAMORGANIC Goddess

and she really likes make-up... LIKE really trampy eye lashes and everything!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Glamorganic-Goddess/124792960872102?ref=ts&sk=wall

My diet and exercise has been....well hasn't been.  We are eating better at home, but I need to go back to the gym and Pilates!  I noticed a big difference in my arm/implant when I go to Pilates.  My instructor is on a long vacation and I'm not liking it. 

I'm starting to go on with my life and enjoy my friends SO much.  I spent a wonderful evening with some girl friends - we had a sleep over and at one point a friend said- "now that's the old Danielle".  I realize I am sometimes quiet not sure why- I take stuff in a lot more.  Sometimes I just wanna watch ~ Sometimes I'm afraid to live like I did.  BUT I'm getting over it and I'm finding ME again!

I love you girls SOOOO much!  Thanks for being there for me. 

Girls SleepOver Deposit NY

Bat and All

ALSO must report this- Finally I feel like I look more like a woman than a man....lol. 

Funny, but true!

When a guy looks at you like a woman instead of a dude it's a good day!          

Feeling Blue

I've had a down week last week- not sure why- maybe because a couple of cancer warriors I follow are finishing up there time here on earth.  I'm just not feeling well mentally- which I think probably happens.  I guess I should just step away from it and really think about myself and my own family.  It just really sucks!  I haven't known so many people with cancer in my life.  I look at my prayer list and when I move someone to the other side of the page it stinks and they move quicker than I like.

I had a great Easter, but knowing a family was somewhere else having their last Easter haunted me.  How do you show support and love for someone in such a hard time and go on with your own life with joy?  I'm having a hard time figuring it out.  And then on top of it I worry for my own end- A LOT.

So I'm hoping/praying that this week will be better for me- what motivation am I looking towards- Organizing my Life!  I'm really feeling smothered in my house- it's like we are bursting out the seams.  I really need to get purging and organizing so I can enjoy some desperately needed changes in my life. 

I'm back with my trainer after a little breaky break....

Which should help me.........also met a wonderful Woman to help me care for my lymphatic system- very exciting!

This is soooo cool to me

True Word Sunday

Sometimes when married someone says or does something that hurts.  Sometimes you know they don't mean it, but you may be overly sensitive to some things and it hurts either way.  So sometimes you say nothing and just hold the pain in and maybe even cry to yourself.  What grows in you is pain and suffering and then sometimes anger.  I recently had this happen.  I am very sensitive about my new breast.  It's not really part of the family yet.  So at my doc appointments Rob has no problem telling the doc about things not looking right.  I'm grateful because honestly I deserve to have the best, but I have no guts to voice that.  I feel only gratitude that I am just here-Alive.  Oh -I do cry about my disfigured parts, but I have no voice about it.  Giving up that stuff was a SMALL price to pay for my life.

OK - so when Rob voices displeasure at my reconstruction it hurts me.  I realize that it's not me he is talking about but still.

So I say nothing and the doc always looks at me like "Aw what do you expect you did have a breast removed, chemo and radiation?"  I sort of look at the doc with a my half smile shrug my shoulders and mumble something like it's OK.

So then on the ride home and a couple days after I just think about being disfigured and what the heck would I ever tell someone if I wasn't married-How would I tell someone and god forbid someone just sees it?  It's just plain hard to wrap your head around sometimes.

Well FINALLY I seen an opportunity to say something to Rob and in the kindest way he talks with me and comforts me and makes me feel so much better.  Why didn't I just mention it sooner?

We shouldn't waste time mulling thoughts about people in our head we should just speak it in a kind and loving way.          

It was such a small step, but it was HUGE for us (mostly me).  I was so empowered by him talking with me that I actually started using my Replens ;).  Through all of this I have lost some self esteem- but speaking up felt good and then his positive response boosted me up more. 

Our spouses are sometimes the only person who can do that for us.  We are soft and we need them to stand up for us.  We are soft and we need them to be soft when we are hurt and confused.   

So I was happy - he was happy and it was all good.   

Had one of the best weekends ever!

;) 

Doorways to Healing

I had a wonderful time at Doorways to Healing....I was able to let go of a lot of stuff.  It was so nice to just let it out and cry, get mad, laugh, sing, dance, meditate, draw and write.  God Bless Dr. Whitney and all my fellow sisters.  

Here is one of my letters
We had to write to our body or a body part

With my left hand I had to write a note back from my body and breast.....

I learned so much about healing emotionally from cancer.

And here is my meditation place

Health Update

Well I had my appointment with Dr. Powell and it seems like I'm going well so far with my implant after radiation.  I was shown exercises to do for my shoulder and also how to move my implant around.  My implant sits in a pocket in there and there is room for movement.  We have to keep it moving just so the scar tissue doesn't form and make it hard.

My weight was skimmed over like I said earlier.

I won't see Dr. Powell for a year  :(

I really like the charming Dr. Powell.....I don't know if it was his British accent, cool ties, his smile OR maybe the fact he would comment on my jewelry and shoes!  I don't know but when some people smile at you, you actually feel like they are sincerely happy to see you.  Besides all that Dr. Powell is one of my favorites because he takes his time with you and he goes over everything.

I got the results from my bone density test and I have some slight bone loss.  It's called Osteopenia- my bone density is lower than it should be, but not low enough to be called Osteoporosis.  We all start losing bone density beginning around age 30, BUT the thicker the bones before that the longer it takes to get to osteopenia.  SO thicken up your bones!  I'll be taking calcium 2x a day.  500 or 600 each.  Maybe I should have drank milk........nah.  I should have eaten more calcium right veggies!


Asked about a colonoscopy....they said no till I'm 50.  Well with the stomach trouble I get I will be getting one sooner I don't care what they say.  I don't know if this has anything to do with it but a friend who has a female onc doctor was told to get one and when I had my last chemo I had a female doc filing in for mine and she said I should get one.  The key to colon cancer is early detection and I believe I'm at higher risk for colon cancer so I'll take care of myself and look into getting one.  I have an appointment with my onc doctor and I will discuss it with him at that time.

No doc appointments till Nov- Meet with my breast surgeon and also my plastic surgeon.  Yeah!

On the home front I've been informed that 1 toe at a time isn't cutting it.....lol
Must dive right in!

Well I will be attending Doorways to Healing this weekend and I'm hoping to learn some coping techniques as well as how to heal emotionally, get my confidence back, move on and so on..... Good things it's the whole weekend because I have a lot to work on.
Was a bit nervous about rooming with someone so I did request my own room- hope I'm not lonely- Yeah right- ALONE is my middle name!  LOL  Oh the days of being a young girl and spending hours in my bedroom alone, I loved it.  I was in my own little world.     

Well when looking up about bones I seen Sally Fields a lot and it's funny because people have told me that I look a bit like Sally Fields.



Or I was told I looked like Marlo Thomas from "That Girl"...probably because I wore my hair and eye make-up like that.  It was a phase I was going through....I may have seen some That Girl re-runs.

I still love that look.

Then there was the time I was told I look like the girl from the Exorcist- Really......NICE

I was hoping they meant this

NOT this

Well on some days I can see the resemblance...it fun when people say you look like people just not a possessed girl.