Oh it's been busy, but an update of sorts

De-cluttering is coming to an end, the house is being built and I hurt myself.  I'm moving slower than usual and the de-clutter is going slow, because of my injury.  Bending over is pretty painful, but I'm working on getting the medicine routine down to cut down on the pain.  :)

I did manage to do an update on my progress with my Foob life over at PlanetFoob:
http://planetfoob.blogspot.com/2013/08/an-update.html

It's the holiday weekend- Have fun in the sun!

I Have A Dream

I know we all have dreams, but I have a lot of them.  Not the dreams we have while sleeping, but the ones we have while awake.  When we're kids we have different dreams and sometimes they work out and sometimes they don't.  Somewhere along growing up and living life some of us lose our dreams or even stop having them.

I would have to say I still have times when things/ideas come to me, but I quickly move on.  After being hit with cancer dreams can seem pretty silly or even impossible.  So I wondered- Is it better to not keep having them?  I think about this a lot and then one day I decided to act as if I was going to attempt to make my dream come true.  There is a part of town where I live that takes me back to so many good memories from high school.  There was a woman who ran a shop called Jan's and I loved it.  It was a bit run down and it had boho or hippie type clothing.  My best friends and I would go there and have a ball.  As time went on and my friends had moved, I still would go in there just to feel the feelings I had when I was there with my friends.  So Jan's is long gone, but when I drive by there I always admire the little group of building still standing there pretty much empty.  I love how the buildings are so close to the river.  I have a memory of attending a Christmas party over that way at an attorney's home that was located right near the water and it was just beautiful.   You could go out their backdoor and they had it so nice with the river right there.  As I thought about my love of the area I thought it would be so nice to have a restaurant or something right there by the water.

I decided after a trip to Sally's I would head back over there and take a closer look at the buildings and the river.  So I parked my car, put my money in the meter and made my way towards the buildings.  Oh they were pretty run down and not very big at all, still I loved seeing them.  I was a little sad/excited they were vacant, but a restaurant probably wouldn't be doable.  Anyway I continued to walk over the bridge and towards a little sitting area and there he was Mr. Martin Luther King giving his "I have a dream" speech.  This was so funny to me as I have been thinking more and more about my own dreams.  At times I feel lesser in society it's stuff I put on myself for sure, but it's still there.  I'm living on borrowed time, I'm lucky to even be here are things that run through my mind.  So when I seen a Martin Luther King standing there fighting for a people who others thought to be lesser or not entitled it made my heart flutter.  See anyone standing up for himself or herself and others and actually stating a dream is very touching to me.  Could you imagine standing up and saying "I have a dream"  and then actually saying it?  That to me is pretty scary.  Seeing this statue tied everything together for me.  Dreaming is good because it means we are alive and we are still thriving.  Our mind is healthy and it has ideas, hopes and dreams to share.  Even if my dream never ever comes true it's nice to have and it may even be nice to share.  It takes some guts to share a dream, but if someone shares a dream with you; you should feel so blessed.

After I stood for a bit with Mr. King, and after someone commented on my running pants I decided to move on.  I made by way back over the bridge and started down a driveway down towards the water.  As I was passing a building I was startled by a guy I wasn't thinking would be there.  So he said hello and I said hello back.  I told him how pretty it was back by the river.  He informed me that yes it was and that the restaurant he was working for is going to be putting a deck back there for their diners and live music.  Oh I could vision everything he described to me.  He then asked if I had ever been to the restaurant and I told him I had not.  Well he offered to show me inside- yeah I know- Rob already yelled at me for 1. Going somewhere where no one would think to look for me 2. Talking to strangers by the river and 3. Going into a building alone.  I know I know- but I have to go with my feelings.  We went in and it was adorable and I loved it.  I met the owner and his father and they were the nicest people.  In their eyes you could tell they were just good people.

I told them they had a beautiful place and that I would definitely be back.  Well when I left there I had the urge to call Rob right up and tell him to be ready to go out for dinner by 8.  The restaurant has Thia food which Rob isn't crazy about, but I knew he would like the place as well.

It was such an interesting little experience for a Saturday morning.  I thought about dreams, I end up seeing Martin Luther King, and then I end up standing in someone's dream come true.  The owner of that restaurant had a dream and it came true.  Being around people who are good, hardworking and making dreams come true is really a joy.  Something like this just makes me happy. 

And check out this big bowl of lovely soup!!

 

 

Yes, we did go to dinner and although Thai cuisine is not Rob's favorite he liked the place and people as well.

 

And so I'm going to keep on dreaming................

Camel Pose

Benefits of Camel Pose:

• Reduces fat on thighs
• Opens up the hips, stretching deep hip flexors
• Stretches and strengthens the shoulders and back
• Expands the abdominal region, improving digestion and elimination
• Improves posture
• Opens the chest, improving respiration
• Loosens up the vertebrae
• Relieves lower back pain
• Helps to heal and balance the chakras
• Strengthens thighs and arms
• Improves flexibility, especially in the spine
• Stimulates endocrine glands
• Releases tension in the ovaries
• Stretches the ankles, thighs, groin, abdomen, chest, and throat
• Cures constipation
• Tones organs of the abdomen, pelvis, and neck
• Complements overall health and well-being

Besides losing weight I did have a goal of once again be able to do this camel pose.  Years ago I finally got to a point of being able to do the pose.  Well it has been years since I've attempted it and I have given myself a goal of doing it again.  I'm getting close, but it's hard.  I'm not quite sure why I wanted to do it again- maybe because of the chest opening it offers.  When I read the benefits it only made me want to do it even more.

I keep getting down about losing my last 10 pounds, but I think I'm getting over it.  It has taken me a few years to get to this place I'm at  AND all of the sudden I'm not happy about it- REALLY?  Since when I'm I entitled to feel bad not being able to lose 10 pounds?  I've had cancer- I know people who have died of cancer and I'm concerned about 10 pounds?  What a jerk I can be.  Life is getting more back to normal, but I get stuck between feeling guilty for feeling normal and worried that if I do start to feel normal I will soon be brought back down to my knees by something like cancer.  What am I suppose to be?  Let it go?  But what if it comes back?  Worry about it and miss some quality time?  I'm VERY sick of it plain and simple.  Yeah I'm an over thinker- that's why I tend to need stuff to keep my mind occupied.  Trying to lose this weight has keep my mind busy.  Who knows- but I'm sure I'm not the only person with this mind issue...lol.

So I do look back at how far I've come to be Danielle

Aug 2011

 

Our most recent date

July 2013

 

I love these guys so much and they are so important to me- I will continue to fight for health

 till God sends for me and maybe I should just leave it at that?

 

Really fitting in getting fit

We are all busy and trying to find time to exercise can be very difficult.  We have our jobs, family, chores, and then by the time we take care of all of that we are tired!

Rob and I are working on getting our house built, so we more things to take up our time.  Rob's schedule is always crazy so trying to get together for something is also just plain hard.  He's so busy with work and I'm busy with the usual stuff.  When we decided to be our own general contractor we knew it was going to be time consuming and we would have to be somewhat organized- OK a lot organized!

That's when I decided to do what I do when preparing for a project- I started nesting.  I began with Rob's office.  Well it's really "our" office.  I'm still working on it as there is always papers, papers and more papers.

So in order to take it up a notch with my workouts and still manage to see Rob, I decided to make sure I could do some of my workouts at home and for that to happen I needed room and convenience.  So here's what I came up with-

I cleared the middle of the office so there was some room to workout

 

I cleaned up my desk area making it workout friendly

Then I made sure stuff was always READY and AVAILABLE!

 My mat

My DVDs and weights

 

I can easily play my DVDs on my laptop

 

I have my cute mason cup

 

 

My crown...lol.  I have my ToneItUp binders

 

 

I tried really hard to merge our stuff and I hope Rob is as happy with it as I am. 

 

It's nice I can fit in my fitness and be around my family not at the gym or in the basement.

 

So now I can roll out my mat get my DVD going or just do weights.

Oh and time with Maggie as well

 

 

GOD

I have to post this as it's one of those things I want to always remember.  I rely a lot on God to guide and support me, but that doesn't mean I'm constantly praying and not even everyday like I'd like to be.  No matter when I do need him he is there and sometimes it's so in my face it's scary and really unbelievable I'm sure to many.

Lately a few people I know with cancer have been struggling and I am trying really hard not to get into any more cancer stories and trying to not follow some so closely.  I will check for updates so that I can pray accordingly, but I'm just not as strong yet to deal with all of it.

Since being sick I get lows - I not sure when they will happen, but when they do they are hard.  The first person who gets it is Rob.  I may not say anything, but he'll know.....and eventually it will come to a head.  I just say everything I'm scared of or thinking about.  It just comes pouring out because on top of some everyday life issues I'm thinking about things like dying, cancer coming back in maybe my brain, other people getting cancer, how I will handle it if it does come back, how will I die, and I'm doing things like reading about cancer, touching myself trying to feel if cancer is growing where my latest ache or pain is.  And I'm also thinking about people I love and being scared for them as well.  It's horrible sometimes.

Well one day it was starting again- I had a pain somewhere and I was freaking out in my head. What really makes these times really difficult is having to do something important or rushing around trying to get things done.  I guess I just get totally stressed.  Everyday things can seem so hard.

So I'm in the car with Lucas and I'm trying really hard to listen to what he is saying and stop getting crazy in my head.  I could just feel I'm so on edge I may just snap at him-  my poor boy is just trying to tell me something about school work and I'm ready to totally explode.  I fought so hard not to snap at him- because like most kids he can be not so nice when he says things.  But that doesn't make it right to unload my crap.  I ordered a pizza and we had some time to wait so I asked him to go in Family Dollar with me; thinking that would really keep my mind from reeling.  I really didn't know what to do.  My first instinct when this happens is to call Rob and let it release from me- but after the last time I could see it was not fair to him either as he has worries too.  I couldn't think of anyone I felt comfortable talking to about it, but I wanted it gone out of my head.  So Lucas didn't want to go in the store with me and I was in no mood to try and beg him- I just didn't have it in me.  I went in myself....I stood there for a minute in the cleaning section and I said to myself "just keep it together, keep walking, don't cry, look for Brillo".  I then asked for God to help me- and I believe I said an Our Father.  So I continued to walk around almost crying when I got to the an aisle and there was a lady standing there with a shopping cart.  We looked at each other and although I wasn't my normal peppy self I said, "Hello" and she said it back to me.  I was still searching for Brillo and then this older woman says to me, "Do you read?"  And I thought it was weird, but she was a sweet lady so I told her I did.  I wasn't sure if she got a free book in the mail she was going to give me or maybe she couldn't read a label......but then it hit me.  I had an idea it was going to be religious and it was.  She pulled out her church's religious booklet and she said something about people are rushing, rushing these days and this article is very good.  The article was about Patience.  She then told me to keep the booklet which is how they promote their church..  But then she said to me, "Turn to scripture for help".  And she went to go on her merry way.  I was shocked- I know you may say that was a chance thing, but when was the last time someone came up to you right after you begged for help?  A person of Faith in God pushing religion shared something with you at Family Dollar?  I was touched, shocked and it felt so unreal to me.  I must have still been baffled because when I got in the car Lucas said to me, "What's wrong with you?"

The message I got was to patient- I can't keep thinking about things to come.  God will be there no matter what is to come and when it's bad I feel like I'm going crazy I can turn to scripture.  I need to learn to ride these waves of anxiety.  I was able to calm down after my episode in Family Dollar and I did it all myself..... no not really God was with me and listened to my plea.

He never asked until

Lucas and Me

 I'm working with some girlfriends on working out and losing some extra weight gain and it's taking a lot of time- just trying to fit in exercise, food shopping, food prepping and everyday life stuff.

I had my D&C and everything looked fine there- we just have to wait for additional test to come back, but like I said I'm pretty sure it's all OK.  Yesterday I tried to get all my medical stuff in order because one of my goals this year is to take better care of myself.  I want to declutter some things, organize somethings and really relax more.  Maybe I should say quiet time or prayer/meditation time!!!  The other night I wanted to take a bath and use one of my Lush products I've never used before called a bath bomb.  Although our tub doesn't hold water I just laid there while it emptied- very slowly (thank goodness) and it felt so amazing.  I'll post a picture of my bath bomb- I really loved it, but it was a bit of a waste as I couldn't soak it in.  I'm gonna purchase a tub plug at an antique store...lol.  No really-   I think I see them at PriceChopper.

So as I was saying I'm getting more on top of my medical stuff like taking all my vitamin and minerals and knowing exactly how much I'm taking and of what.  After my last couple of trips to Lourdes and being asked about these I really feel like a slacker in that area.  I'm really happy to report to them that I don't take my other meds for depression or anxiety!!!

There are times that are definitely tough- I recently found out a cancer friend of mine that was diagnosis-ed after me at the young age of 33 is now 35 and it's back.  The hardest part of this for me is thinking about her boy who is 14 years old.  He asked her back in October if the cancer was all gone after one of her scans and she was happy to report to him that they didn't see any.  Then in November it was back.  What makes this even harder for me is that Lucas has never asked one question about my cancer until recently.  We were at a drive-thru at McDonald's before Christmas time and he asked when my 5 years was up.  I didn't even think he knew about the 5 year thing.  Now I know he never asked me anything- but I know he probably does worry about it and I hate that about cancer.  Do what you want to us, but please leave our kids alone- they don't deserve it!  As a kid I didn't even know what cancer was!  It's so unbelievably unfair.  I don't know what made Lucas think about it- it could be something he heard in health class I don't know.  I didn't know what to say- I never like to be too optimistic as to jinx myself, but I can't have him live under my cloud.  NO one should - not even me.  So I guess it's back to realizing none of us knows what's in store for us.  A perfectly healthy person could lose there life walking across the street.  I truly am like everyone else- only I know that I want to live a better life and enjoy every minute- and I want Lucas to as well.  My friend doesn't know what to tell her boy and I'm not sure either- there's no good way to tell a boy such a thing- all there is to do is just mother him as long as physically possible- and then teach him to feel that love after you are gone....like when he feels the warm sun on his face or spots a little flower blowing in the wind or hears the birds early in the morning or when he does something he is really proud of.

Anyways hearing this news could really bring you down, but I made it through it.  And it made me think about myself and Lucas and that he had asked me had been replaying and replaying in my mind so all of this is coming together for me and I see better now what I need to be doing.  No one was going to tell me about this and I see why- but they needed some help from me and I was happy to help them.  In the end helping someone helped me and Lucas.  I love my Lucas so very much.

Back to my stuff- All this stuff going on got me to really think about Dr. Deng (integrated medicine)  and I pulled out his sheets and reprinted them- organized all my supplements and am ready to roll.  I also made an appointment with Dr. Deng to see if there is anything new out there I need to know about.  I'll go to him in April.

I'm also going to get back on track with my gastro guy- I was suppose to do a culture- I never did so I'll be doing that as well.....and I waited so long they are punishing me by making me go to my primary doctor again.  Around here some offices are so rude and treat you like crap it amazes me.  Oh well.  I believe he is a good doctor, but his office people are NOT so nice.  And seeing I'll be back at my primary I guess I will start back up with my blood testing I never did concerning my Vit. D levels and anything else he thinks should be checked.

I didn't do that culture because I just felt so worn out from appointments that I was letting things slide because I was just plain fed up with being a patient.  I don't want to have all these doctors and pills to take, but I want as much healthy time on this planet as possible to have TONS of FUN with my family!!!  So I'll do what I'm suppose to - BUT I will not resign myself to the PATIENT mentality- if you have met someone like this you know what I mean.  I love those people and I totally understand how they can resort to that out of immense fear- I feel it too sometimes, but I continue to keep fighting it.

And now onto fun stuff-

We went bowling for Rob's bday and it was so fun!!!

This is such a cool picture- I never seen behind the scenes before!  

Do you see the guy sitting in one of those big red cylinder?

His one leg is out.  So neat!

Here is my bath bomb- huge huh

OK- let this week end!

This week started off crappy and it just got worse!!! Ugh. 

Well I'm so thankful Amy got me doing this Turkey Trot as it gets my mind off other things.  I had my annual Gynecological appointment and ultra sound and it looks like a have another polyp.  There is a new ultra sound test they will do to I guess make sure it's a polyp and not some sort of shadow???  I know sounds a little off.  As I was reading about the procedure I also read they can scrape of take a part of my uterus and check the cells...hmmmm.  This may be nice seeing my Tamoxifen can cause cancer of the uterus.  It's better to be safe than sorry, but I'm not looking forward to a procedure that will maybe hurt.  I hate pain- and I know I've had some major surgery before- BUT I'm still afraid of doctors and dentist.  And having a procedure with your legs open just isn't pretty or fun.  At times my legs just want to clamp up.....ugh.  I can take pain medication before so I probably will.....

The procedure:

•Sonohysterogram: A special type of ultrasound in which the radiologist fills the uterine cavity with saline using a narrow catheter. The saline distends the cavity (like a balloon) and creates a space between the walls. This aids in visualizing polyps that may be missed with traditional ultrasound.

After that if it is polyp - he will want to remove and test it.  With my history it a precaution I feel good about taking.

I'm pretty sure it's probably just benign- seeing I haven't had any symptoms that cause worry like unusual bleeding.

Who is at Risk?

The exact cause of uterine polyps is unknown, but they are sensitive to the hormone estrogen. You may be more likely to develop polyps if any of the following are true:

•Age 40 to 50

•Pre- or peri-menopausal

•Obese, or having a body mass index of 30 or more (such as a 5-foot, 9-inch adult weighing 203 pounds)

•Currently or formerly taking an anti-estrogen drug like Nolvadex (tamoxifen).

Here's where I got some of my information


We will see how it goes.  We leave for a little Anniversary celebration next Wednesday so I won't be doing anything until after that if it is a polyp.  I'll be taking Mr. Polyp along for a little trip....hey maybe he'll decide to disappear while there...lol.

OK....on running I got myself a few little things I needed for running in cooler weather.  I'm far from knowing what to do, but thanks to Amy and the Internet I'm figuring some things out.


Here's what I got:

 Ok so only 3 of the items are for my running- The knit hat- which is cheaper on-line as well as the headband!  The headband has a whole for your ponytail...yeah.  Oh and the batman panties- inspiration from a super hero!!!

The other 3 items....well
I needed a cute black belt with silver accents, the pants are my favorite (ankle length) pants, and well the necklace was on clearance and I love it.  They are like 8.98- they have some with red sparkle balls and some with blue too....very cute.

- I had to order these gloves online because they didn't have my size in the store:

and I'm so happy to report a locker opened up at the gym and I'm locker number 14!!!!!  Yeah- I was on a wait list for a while.  Now I won't have to drag so much stuff in and out!!!  Like my pink lock???

Do you ever feel like you'll never get it right?

Oh I DO! and this post took me like 3 days to complete and a bunch of not knowing what I was doing...lol.

Fall around here is quickly turning to winter-like weather.  What happened to Indian Summer?

I was loving all these boho looking sweaters on Swell's website

I had finally finished all my Fall/Winter shopping and I fell in love with some things I bought!

A couple of things I'm really loving that I got were from Target

I love these boots- I need a high heeled boot to wear with my longer jeans and I LOVE this pair!

And I really love this sweater by Billabong from Swell- I originally seen it in PacSun

My second pair of boots I love are these:

I also love this sweater- it is SO soft and the pattern is pretty flattering.  I wish they had an XS because the small seems to run a little big. 

Why do I feel like I'll never get it right?
I've been trying really hard or somewhat hard at getting better organized as to have a decent schedule in place so I don't feel like I'm doing everything off the cuff, BUT I just can't see to get it together.  The only thing I have accomplished was setting up my clothing for a week so that has been fun and helpful, BUT I'm still struggling with all my other chores/jobs/tasks/ LIFE!  I feel like I get one thing straightened out to only find out another area is totally out of wack!  UGH!

This time of year and this month is sometimes hard.  I've gotten a bit run down and because I've been a bit uneasy I caught a cold and now I'm having some trouble with my mastectomy-side arm.  Oh well.  All in all it's been easier for me than last year, but I still struggle.  BUT don't we all?  I know we are all dealing with stuff and yesterday I spoke to a woman who is heading to Sloan tomorrow with her husband who has lung cancer.  If he does nothing they gave him 13 months to live.  REALLY - where do they come up with 13 months?  Nobody really knows, but hearing that really hurts!  I'm hoping and praying they have more options for them at Sloan.  I know they are in good hands, but I know the pain/anxiety taking place.  Please say a little prayer for him.

This month as I sometimes feel uneasy I think about a walk I took with my mother one day when we didn't know what the outcome of my cancer would be.  She assured me I would get through whatever it was going to be and that I would be around to help others.  So this month if I was feeling down I would turn to some way to help/promote a little awareness about BC.


I got all my wigs together, combed them and packaged them up and took them to the American Cancer Society.  I felt good and sad all at the same time~  the woman there was so thankful it made me feel good.

Even just wearing my pink ribbon is something I can do to raise awareness- Everyone should be more aware!  I wish I was.  I know some are not too thrilled with all the ribbon hype- but I am grateful for all the hype that lead to new discoveries and options for us.  As much as I never wanted to know much about a pink ribbon - I've grown to truely enjoy seeing it knowing people do care and continue to fight!

My weight is up a bit at 121.3 SO I need to get working on that!!!

I really wish I could just play with clothes all day- here is one outfit I got a kick out of:

Here's a jean jacket I bought years ago- It's by the name Bitten which was a clothing line designed by Sarah Jessica Parker for a store no longer around!

I love actually having time to accessorize....I haven't worn this ring in ages.  My mom had given it to me.

So before leaving work I had to dress-down to go to Lucas' game

Add a striped scarf.............

OK the striped scarf is actually the skirt I wore during the day.....LOL.

Brighter than the SUN!

This is how it starts~ lighting strikes the heart

~Goes off like a gun~

~Brighter than the sun~

 I Love the Sun

Usually on St. Patrick's Day Lucas would be in NY with my parents and some friends and Rob and I would be out to dinner with his parents....but

My parents were in Florida, Rob was in Bristol, and Rob's parents were at their cottage

SO it was Lucas and I!

I missed my once a year ham and cabbage, but the time I got to spend with Lucas in the sun was priceless.

I don't how long he'll ask me to come outside and just watch him shoot hoops, but it was so nice!

I wanted 1 good picture of him and I ~

but ended up just having a bunch of laughs just trying to do it

I'm so incredibly happy these days

I thought I'd never get to this point again.

Unlike his mom- Lucas is photogenic

 I just love the song Brighter than the Sun

for some reason I feel like lighting did strike my heart- I've been feeling so much better about

REALLY LIVING

not so much worry

IT'S SO NICE TO LIVE WITH SOME PEACE OF MIND

I FEEL FREE

I struggled pretty hard and wrote this because my family had to put up with me not being "me" for some time and I feel bad about that.  It's not only the survivor who hurts; the loved ones do as well.

I’m finally feeling more free and it’s SO good to be free!

I’m happy

I’m me

I’m free

Now they see what they’ve wanted to see

and

I’m me

I’m free