GOD

I have to post this as it's one of those things I want to always remember.  I rely a lot on God to guide and support me, but that doesn't mean I'm constantly praying and not even everyday like I'd like to be.  No matter when I do need him he is there and sometimes it's so in my face it's scary and really unbelievable I'm sure to many.

Lately a few people I know with cancer have been struggling and I am trying really hard not to get into any more cancer stories and trying to not follow some so closely.  I will check for updates so that I can pray accordingly, but I'm just not as strong yet to deal with all of it.

Since being sick I get lows - I not sure when they will happen, but when they do they are hard.  The first person who gets it is Rob.  I may not say anything, but he'll know.....and eventually it will come to a head.  I just say everything I'm scared of or thinking about.  It just comes pouring out because on top of some everyday life issues I'm thinking about things like dying, cancer coming back in maybe my brain, other people getting cancer, how I will handle it if it does come back, how will I die, and I'm doing things like reading about cancer, touching myself trying to feel if cancer is growing where my latest ache or pain is.  And I'm also thinking about people I love and being scared for them as well.  It's horrible sometimes.

Well one day it was starting again- I had a pain somewhere and I was freaking out in my head. What really makes these times really difficult is having to do something important or rushing around trying to get things done.  I guess I just get totally stressed.  Everyday things can seem so hard.

So I'm in the car with Lucas and I'm trying really hard to listen to what he is saying and stop getting crazy in my head.  I could just feel I'm so on edge I may just snap at him-  my poor boy is just trying to tell me something about school work and I'm ready to totally explode.  I fought so hard not to snap at him- because like most kids he can be not so nice when he says things.  But that doesn't make it right to unload my crap.  I ordered a pizza and we had some time to wait so I asked him to go in Family Dollar with me; thinking that would really keep my mind from reeling.  I really didn't know what to do.  My first instinct when this happens is to call Rob and let it release from me- but after the last time I could see it was not fair to him either as he has worries too.  I couldn't think of anyone I felt comfortable talking to about it, but I wanted it gone out of my head.  So Lucas didn't want to go in the store with me and I was in no mood to try and beg him- I just didn't have it in me.  I went in myself....I stood there for a minute in the cleaning section and I said to myself "just keep it together, keep walking, don't cry, look for Brillo".  I then asked for God to help me- and I believe I said an Our Father.  So I continued to walk around almost crying when I got to the an aisle and there was a lady standing there with a shopping cart.  We looked at each other and although I wasn't my normal peppy self I said, "Hello" and she said it back to me.  I was still searching for Brillo and then this older woman says to me, "Do you read?"  And I thought it was weird, but she was a sweet lady so I told her I did.  I wasn't sure if she got a free book in the mail she was going to give me or maybe she couldn't read a label......but then it hit me.  I had an idea it was going to be religious and it was.  She pulled out her church's religious booklet and she said something about people are rushing, rushing these days and this article is very good.  The article was about Patience.  She then told me to keep the booklet which is how they promote their church..  But then she said to me, "Turn to scripture for help".  And she went to go on her merry way.  I was shocked- I know you may say that was a chance thing, but when was the last time someone came up to you right after you begged for help?  A person of Faith in God pushing religion shared something with you at Family Dollar?  I was touched, shocked and it felt so unreal to me.  I must have still been baffled because when I got in the car Lucas said to me, "What's wrong with you?"

The message I got was to patient- I can't keep thinking about things to come.  God will be there no matter what is to come and when it's bad I feel like I'm going crazy I can turn to scripture.  I need to learn to ride these waves of anxiety.  I was able to calm down after my episode in Family Dollar and I did it all myself..... no not really God was with me and listened to my plea.

Listening for an answer

 I was stressed about Lucas and his Confirmation retreat.  Lucky for me on the day of the retreat I met with my Doctor friend.  Lucas ended up calling me saying he wanted to leave retreat because all they did was sing and some other stuff he didn't feel comfortable with.  I wasn't sure what to do....so I decided to at least take a ride to the retreat location just to be closer to Lucas and thankfully the Doc decided she would go with me.  I just wanted to get there and see what I felt.  I know it sounds strange, but I honestly have been trying to trust more in my feelings and instincts and so far it has really helped me a lot.  I think part of being authentic is really listening to your heart and your God.  I prayed about this retreat and I waited and waited for a sign.  I was on the fence about sending Lucas, but I went along until something told me otherwise.  As we were waiting for the bus I seen a couple people who touched my heart; one was a local BU college student (female) and the other was Joe a man I've met before.  I spoke with the girl first and she was such a beautiful girl inside and out.  Joe spoke to me as always and I can tell by his kind eyes he is a good man.  As Joe was leaving he asked us to pray for him and I had a sense he meant it.  Rob did practically threaten everyone to watch over Lucas and if anything happens to him.........  So that too had me feeling a bit better.  If I didn't have Rob to lean on as well as quiet me down when needed things could have gone differently.

So anyway back to the story.  We drove to Sky Lake which is about a 30 minute drive and it was beautiful to spend time with my good friend.  As we got into the property there isn't much not to love with all the trees and fresh air.  This is a place I had checked out the day before as well- so I would know where it was when I had to pick-up Lucas.  As we wandered about and looked at the lake I decided he should stay and the she agreed.

In the end Lucas admitted that yes he was glad he stayed as he enjoyed mass and confession.  He really liked Sky Lake as well and wished they had gotten to do more outside.  It was too bad the organizer wasn't the best fit for Lucas and wasn't the most prepared, but at least Lucas enjoyed the important parts.

I'm so lucky to have so many wonderful around to support me with such stuff.  I feel so blessed.  It was such a blessing to have Doc with me as she was an angel of a friend.  I don't know many of my friends who would have the time to drive out to Sky Lake as I try and make up my mind, but she did.  As her and I decided to check out the Founder's Lodge we were sitting in the Lodge when it started to fill up.  A lady came to me and was handing me a book in which I said- Oh no that's OK.  Well she looked at me like I was strange so I said - Oh wait I mean yes- thank you.  Well it was book of hymns.  As we sat it was clear we were in a service.  The singing began and her and I just went along.  At one point I had to smile....here I had been waiting for a sign from God and now I'm standing in a Lodge singing hymns with the Doc-  I looked over at her singing right along with me and thought - GOD is so good....I asked for help and as hard as is it to just wait and be quiet to listen I did with the help of my family and friends and I got an answer.  Sometimes we get so caught up in a problem and it's super hard to keep our mouth shut or our mind from reeling, but we need to calm it down to hear.

This is the hymn I feel in love with~ It's so beautiful:
The service was I believe Methodist and was very nice-  I enjoyed it a lot.




Here are the words:

The Summons

Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown? Will you let my name be known,
will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name?
Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen,
and admit to what I mean in you and you in me?

Will you love the "you" you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around,
through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?

Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In Your company I'll go where Your love and footsteps show.
Thus I'll move and live and grow in you and you in me.

Tea over Thoughts on the universe................

So I just read that if we are ready God and the universe will give us what we are ready for.

As I am starting to feel better emotionally and physically I sometimes still want to hold back for fear of getting sick again.  It can hold me back at times.  The book I'm reading right now is very good and I think it may be helping me to realize I have more control over me than I think.

So I was thinking last night and this morning- What do I want? and Am I ready for it?

I guess it's no surprise what I want- to live in health and be there for my family. 

I want health.

This morning I did my run and I decided to dress nice (as in no gym clothes) and I thought- I'm gonna ready myself health.

I ran into the drugstore for dog treats and nail repair stuff.....

AND as I'm leaving the girl says:

Thank you and Be Well.....

I feel really good lately and sometimes it's hard to talk about because who walks around saying how happy they are- most of us are onto complaining of the most recent problem.  Some may even think it's rude or annoying.....I did at one time in my life.  But isn't more rude to smear negative emotions?  We should all talk about how happy we are a lot more often- then I won't sound like a wing-nut!

I can honestly say sometimes I'm driving and I just feel so darn HAPPY.

I think it comes from being more real and being content with my life.

It's SO easy to get caught up in the rat race and thinking certain things are important when in fact they are not.  That person who you thinks has a good life have pain in their heart.

One of the reasons I'm so happy is my family is loving!

My family means the most to me and I want us all to be happy and content- I recieved this from Focus on the Family and thought it was well put!

How do you create a Christ-centered home?

Each family may answer that question differently, but here are some general characteristics:
1. Joy—Every family will encounter trials and hardships, but there is no circumstance that can rob us of our joy if we know that the key to our present welfare and future destiny lies in Christ alone.

2. Orderliness—As the apostle Paul says, "God is not the author of confusion but of peace" (I Corinthians 14:33).

3. Grace—A Christian home should be a safe place to mess up. Family members need to be reminded that love, not perfection, is the goal.

4. Service—A Christian home is tempered and flavored with acts of kindness, respect, humility and love.


5. Spiritual Disciplines—A Christ-centered home provides an environment in which every member of the family learns how to live by studying Scripture, praying and spending time in God's presence.

6. God's Purposes—A Christian home is a place where the family's goals are founded upon His values and the vision for the future is consistent with His plan.

St. Theresa giving me Grace

Well a couple of really special things happened.

{this is my St. Theresa picture and on it is a necklace of my grandmother on my nightstand}

 Lately I have been thinking - Am I doing all I can with my life.  I sometimes feel lonely for the extra time I had during treatment to actually have some deep prayer in my life.  So I started asking God to please help me, because at times I feel lost.

So what comes in the mail:

How could this be that such a beautiful article "Transformation- truth blooming within us"  comes to me in the mail with a rose on it.  She is still with me and I love St. Theresa. 

This is an amazing article for everyone to read.  You can read it HERE. 

I am lost because I often wonder~ Am I doing the right stuff? ~

Maybe I am being transformed?

here is a portion of the article:
We go through dark nights of the senses and spirit. We experience loneliness, abandonment, doubts about whether we gave our best or did it right. We learn to trust and gain the wisdom of the second half of life that “everything is grace” – all is given by a gracious, generous and mysterious God Who always is present within and among us and unconditionally loves us. At times, we become like little children – dependent on others for care – even forgetful as we prepare to return to the Source of Life. Our lives are about endless, wonderful, mysterious transformation. Along the way, we can learn to be fearful and mistrustful. We can let others define us and transform us by their actions, presence or absence. We can be wounded by life – betrayed by others – and disillusioned by unmet expectations of ourselves and others, and God! Our needs get frustrated. Our hearts can become hardened. We can be transformed into cynics and negative people – changed from being the beloved daughters and sons of God. And the need to be transformed back to the child-like innocence we are born with and Jesus spoke about becomes more important and urgent for our basic humanity and holiness. Transformation becomes the challenge of being aware, embracing and listening to all that life gives us. Everything that happens within and around us is a gift from God. Transformation is allowing God to embrace us with the mystery of His presence, forming, refining and glorifying us through wonder, love and suffering.

So many things happen that I often wonder about and I now see the Grace in them

~ Like the one night after work I needed to pick of 2 cooked chickens for a quick dinner.  I got to the grocery store and there were no baskets- I thought great this is a sign that I'm probably not going to have a successful trip to the store.  I continue....as I rushed to the chicken case I seen it wasn't full and couldn't even see one chicken.  I thought please at least 1.  As I got to the case there were 2.  Then I thought great NO basket I should have gotten a cart.... I turn around someone had left an basket by the bread.  I then thought to myself "Someone is watching out for".  I can't help but think my grandmother is up there watching over me.  I miss my Mimi.  It was her birthday on Oct.13th and I had thought about going to mass, but at work things get going and I almost forgot until....... my mom mentioned that she would have liked to go to mass for the birthday.  We looked at the time and we actually had time to go.  At mass I couldn't help, but think that she was there with us.   I've enjoy wearing her necklace- when I'm stressed I can grab it and feel better.  I believe I feel Grace when I think of her.

~Another interesting story......before reading the article in Between Friends I had a real bad night  I was so down about my myself and my body.  I spent a bit of time in the bathroom just crying.  I also have a personal matter that weighs heavy on my heart and at a loss of what to do about that situation.  Rob did a good job of calming me down.  That night I read the article "Transformation the truth blooming with us".   The next day I woke up and decided I would make time for MYSELF and do some deep prayer.  Right after my prayer I had a thought/idea of a letter so I immediately wrote down exactly what came to mind and I mailed it.....I was scared but I thought how could this be bad?  I prayed and it came to me.  So I went to get ready for the day.  I found myself running into Walmart to get a few things and this big teddy bear kind of guy is walking out.  He had these beautiuful blue eyes and silver hair- I thought I'm gonna smile today and this guy is gonna be my first one (I still wasn't feeling the smile stuff too much, but I thought I better push myself).  Well to my surprise he smiled 1st and then you know what he said to me~ " I'm not as pretty as you, but I'm trying".  Now I wasn't all dolled up because my little prayer session cut into my make up session so I honestly think he was some sort of angel for me that morning.  I teared up as I walked in the store and then I felt an incredible high.  Like the article said~ "Grace is Everywhere"

~Lucas was running for Student Council and I asked St. Theresa to watch over him as he went to school and attempted to hang posters.  After the election driving home Lucas and I were talking and he was telling me how he prayed for the election.  I told him- That's great you prayed.  I mentioned to him that even when I was sick I prayed mostly for strength to deal with what ever out come shall be.  But I did also ask for more time to do good.  I said to him you can't recieve something unless you ask.  I also told him that when we pray God will give us what is best and that may not always be what we want.  Grace was there that day in my car.

~Rob had his own little problem he was dealing with and the one day he was on the phone with a man and briefly explained his situation.  Now this man wasn't a friend, Rob has never even actually met the man.  The man went on to talk with Rob and he told him to pray.  He told him to let it go and pray.  He also told him that he was going to say a prayer as well.  Sometimes I'm afraid to talk prayer and God with people, but what an inspiration this man was.  Grace over the phone. 

~Driving into the parking lot at Olive Garden I seen 4 people holding each other with their heads down- they were praying.  Grace was there.        

I hope you find your grace today- and if not do ask for it because HE does deliver.

It's out there- WE just have to open our eyes. 

~Prayer~

Dear God

Lift the veil from my eyes that I may see Grace today

Let me be the Grace for others

The Blessed Mother

It's been crazy around here and at times things so bad.  The weather has been bad for Rob's work and then all the flooding, it's easy to get down on things.

Rob has gone to mass during the day a couple of times- I believe looking for guidance.  He has a lot of faith and it's nice when he goes and comes back with something for me.

The other day he spoke of Father talking about the Blessed Mother; and the next time we think we have it so bad think about her.  Think about how she had to watch as they nailed her son to the cross.  

See I was raised Catholic and attended Catholic school right from 1st to 12th grade so I have a pretty good knowledge of my religion.  Rob on the other hand is learning more and more and asking me questions and sometimes I know the answer and sometimes I don't.  It's so refreshing to me and it keeps me up on my stuff.  It's nice we share what we learn with each other and there is always more to learn or more to remember that we may have forgotten.  Rob was so taken with the idea of the Mother watching her son crucified that he had to share it with me.  I am so blessed.

So today at the grocery store I bought flowers and was able to decorate my Mother Mary's crown with some pretty green buds.  I love her so much and I will keep her in mind when I want to complain or get down on things.     

Even if you are not Catholic you can relate to a Mother's love for her son and her son being put to death.  What incredible love she had to be there for him through it all.  Could I ever do that?  It's unbelievable.  

I love this prayer my mother told me about:

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.

 

Today is Our National Day of Prayer

I pray everyday- so what is there to do on a day like today?

Well I'm going to make it a point to discuss prayer with Lucas today.  I know I told him to say a prayer this morning before his test, but now I'm going to make sure tonight I remind him to say a prayer of thanks.  I actually think I will pray with him before bed. 

There is a prayer gather this evening in our community at 7:30 it is being held at the

Sports Complex on Airport Road- you need to bring your own chair.   

If you are looking for a new prayer here is one:

A PRAYER TO OUR LADY OF MOUNT CARMEL

This picture of Our Lady of Mount Carmel above commemorates a famous event in Church history. She is shown here as she appeared in a vision to St. Simon Stock, General of the Carmelite Order (at right) on July 16, 1251 at Aylesford, England.

After giving St. Simon a scapular, she promised him and all the Carmelites that whoever died wearing that religious garment would be saved and would not suffer eternal fire. The prayer to our Lady of Mount Carmel below calls the scapular “thy venerable livery.”

O all-blessed, immaculate Virgin, ornament and glory of Mount Carmel, thou who dost look with most gracious countenance on those who have been clothed with thy venerable livery, look kindly also on me and take me under the mantle of thy maternal protection. Strengthen my weakness with thy might; enlighten the darkness of my heart with thy wisdom; increase in me faith, hope and charity. So adorn my souls with graces and virtues that it may always be dear to thy divine Son and thee. Assist me during life, comfort me in death with thy most sweet presence, and present me as thy child and faithful servant to the most Holy Trinity, that I may be enabled to praise and extol thee in heaven forever. Amen.

(This prayer is followed by the Hail Mary (3 times) and the Glory Be.)

This is the scapular I was given by a sweet lady I'd never met (she had given it to my mom to give me).  I keep mine by my bed and at times when I need it I wear it.  I wore it a lot when I was going through surgeries and treatment.

It was nice gift to receive at the time of great unknown and fear.  You can purchase this one at The Catholic Shop in Johnson City.  



The Carcinista has passed away

Sarah Feathers has passed away- She was an ovarian cancer survivor.  She had been battling since 2006.  I found her blog when I was diagnosed and had been following her on her blog and facebook.  She showed me how people go on even at stage 4- to care for their family and have a life.

Sarah is dear to my heart because she is the 1st person I ever reached out to concerning God because I felt it in my heart.  I sent her a message April 22nd and although I never received a response I hope it helped her in some way.  At first I was so sad to get nothing back, but now I just hold onto my faith that I did what was asked of me and it was good.    

Click on her picture to visit her blog

Here you will find some cancer tips from Sarah:

http://carcinista.blogforacure.com/weblog


Sarah with hair- she promised herself she wasn't going out bald and although I didn't see her most recent set of locks- I bet they were beautiful.

She was a great writer and I loved reading her blog.

Sarah has left behind two young boys and a wonderful husband.

She took great steps to care for them after her passing. 

There is a podcast she did a few days before passing and it does contain a message - for survivors as well as you healthy fools out there!

You can listen to it here:

  http://www.empoweradio.com/home/shows/cancer-warrior/cancer-show-info/774-April-2011---Sarah-Feather-The-Carcinistacom.html

Another survivor friend (blogger) Dave summed up Sarah's message perfectly:

1) You are never too young to get cancer. If you do not feel well it is your doctors obligation to prove that you are not sick instead of you trying to show the doctor that you are OK.

2) The most important thing is creating nice memories for your loved ones


I was going to put some of my info up today, but Sarah's passing changed that.
AND remember tomorrow is the National Day of Prayer- what ya gonna do about it!?!?!?

Divine Mercy

Update to Post: Sunday evening
A devil was defeated on the awesome day of Our Beloved Pope John Paul II's Beatification
"The just man shall live by faith"  John Paul II
3 days after 911 Our Pope said "These people need to be stopped"

Good bye Osama bin Laden

Well it's Motivation Monday

I received a card from a friend the other day that contained the Divine Mercy.  I was reading a little about Saint Faustina- who had a message from Jesus to paint a picture of him.  She had offered up her life for all sinners and she was to get the message out about God's Divine Mercy for EVERYONE.

I read this:

On February 22, 1931, while staying in Plock, Sister Faustina received Jesus’ order to paint a picture according to the vision shown to her.  She tried to fulfill the command, but not knowing painting techniques, she was unable to do it by herself. Still, she did not give up the idea. She kept returning to it and sought help from other sisters and from her confessors.

A few years later her superiors sent her to Vilnius (Wilno), where her confessor, Rev. Prof. Michael Sopocko, interested to see what the picture of a hitherto unknown theme would look like, asked the painter Eugene Kazimierowski to paint the picture according to Sister Faustina’s directions. This is the only image that was painted under her direction. Kazimirowski painted the original image between January and June of 1934. During this time St. Faustina had the artist change the face at least 10 times but was still not pleased with it. As St. Faustina writes, "Once, when I was visiting the artist who was painting the image, and saw that it was not as beautiful as Jesus is, I felt very sad about it, but I hid this deep in my heart. When we had left the artist’s house, Mother Superior [Irene] stayed in town to attend to some matters while I returned home alone. I went immediately to the chapel and wept a good deal. I said to the Lord, 'Who will paint You as beautiful as You are?' Then I heard these words: 'Not in the beauty of the color, nor of the brush lies the greatness of this image, but in My grace.' (Diary, 313)" The picture was finished in June 1934 and hung in the corridor of the Bernardine Sisters’ convent near St. Michael’s Church in Vilnius, where Father Sopocko was rector.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I read this I could totally understand her feeling of never getting the face of Jesus beautiful enough.  The one and only dream/visit I had from Jesus was so beautiful I have never felt that beauty before- it's just indescribable.  I felt like my whole body was full of light and I really didn't want it to go away.  I miss it still.    
Here is the picture:

and here is what Jesus had said to Saint Faustina:

Jesus went on to exclaim, “I promise that the soul that will venerate this image will not perish. I also promise victory over [its] enemies already here on earth, especially at the hour of death. I Myself will defend it as My own glory. I desire that there be a Feast of Mercy. I want this image, which you will paint with a brush, to be solemnly blessed on the first Sunday after Easter; that Sunday is to be the Feast of Mercy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saint Faustina of the Most Blessed Sacrament was canonized as the very first saint of the 3rd millennium by Pope John Paul II in Rome on Divine Mercy Sunday, April 30th, 2000.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How to Recite the Chaplet of Divine Mercy


The Chaplet of Mercy is recited using ordinary rosary beads of five decades. At the National Shrine of Divine Mercy in Stockbridge, Massachusetts the Chaplet is preceded by two opening prayers from the Diary of Saint Faustina and followed by a closing prayer.

Optional Opening Prayers
You expired, Jesus, but the source of life gushed forth for souls, and the ocean of mercy opened up for the whole world. O Fount of Life, unfathomable Divine Mercy, envelop the whole world and empty Yourself out upon us.

O Blood and Water, which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a fountain of Mercy for us, I trust in You!

Begin with the Our Father, the Hail Mary and the Apostle's Creed:

Our Father
Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, Amen.

Hail Mary
Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death, Amen.

The Apostle's Creed
I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and earth; and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, Our Lord, Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified; died, and was buried. He descended into Hell; the third day He arose again from the dead; He ascended into Heaven, sitteth at the right hand of God, the Father Almighty; from thence He shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. Amen.

Then, on the large bead before each decade:

Eternal Father,
I offer you the Body and Blood,
Soul and Divinity,
of Your Dearly Beloved Son,
Our Lord, Jesus Christ,
in atonement for our sins
and those of the whole world.

On the ten small beads of each decade, say:
For the sake of His sorrowful Passion,
have mercy on us and on the whole world.

Conclude with (Say 3 Times):

Holy God,
Holy Mighty One,
Holy Immortal One,
have mercy on us
and on the whole world.

Optional Closing Prayer
Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself.


Our Lord said to Saint Faustina:

Encourage souls to say the Chaplet which I have given you ... Whoever will recite it will receive great mercy at the hour of death ... When they say this chaplet in the presence of the dying, I will stand between my Father and the dying person, not as the Just Judge but as the Merciful Savior ... Priests will recommend it to sinners as their last hope of salvation. Even if there were a sinner most hardened, if he were to recite this chaplet only once, he would receive grace from my infinite mercy. I desire to grant unimaginable graces to those souls who trust in My mercy ... Through the Chaplet you will obtain everything, if what you ask for is compatible with My will.
 

God giving me little bits

Last Easter season I had A LOT of time for prayer and I felt so close to God.  This year has been so busy and I often feel bad because I haven't prayed as much as I would like.  I often wonder what God thinks and is it really bad to not pray as much.  Then I think about it and think about it and I almost don't even feel God and I get scared.  Well he is there and he does speak to me in ways I may have not noticed if I hadn't gotten so close to him.  The praying I did was intense and beautiful.  Recently helping at church I was talking with our priest and he explained how last Easter season he too was sick and was all caught up on all his prayers by the time Easter came.   I felt so much better- he too struggles at time with time!

So I often wonder

What does God want from me?

and

Am I doing what God wants?

Well the other day while talking with a friend about cancer and how much it sucked I said this: "We were saved for a reason and now we have to figure out what we need to do".  I'm not even sure why I shared this with her, but it just flowed out of me.  So then I got to thinking more about what it is I'm suppose to be doing.

So as it has happened to me in the past I got a piece of an answer.  When I went to church today I was talking with a friend who now has cancer in her life and she said this to me: "We wonder why these things happen to good people and it just may be to help someone else along"    

As soon as she said that I knew God is with me still and he will guide me if I just listen.   

Welcome Spring Welcome

Well how sad were you when you woke up to snow on the 1st day of Spring?

As of 7:21pm this evening Spring has Sprung

Oh - it was so much easier to stay active when the sun was out and I didn't have to wear a coat.

How can I think about what I'm going to wear on Easter with snow on the ground? 

Another year of freezing on Easter?- I hope not.  

This year for Lent I wanted to DO stuff instead of give stuff up- being I'm already giving up.

I want to eat better

I want to get to confession

I want to get to stations at least 2x- 1x with Lucas- where we volunteer to help

I want to pray more

I also started up with my prayer for the shoulder

Here is how the Prayer to the Shoulder Wound of Jesus came about:

(found on my prayer card)
It is related in the annals of Clairvaux that St. Bernard asked Our Lord which was His greatest unrecorded suffering and Our Lord answered: "I had on My Shoulder, while I bore My Cross on the Way of Sorrows, a grievous Wound, which was more painful than the others and which is not recorded by men. Honor this Wound with thy devotion and I will grant thee whatsoever thou dost ask through Its virtue and merit. And in regard to all those who shall venerate this Wound, I will remit to them all their venial sins and will no longer remember their mortal sins."

Prayer to the Shoulder Wound of Jesus

O Loving Jesus, meek Lamb of God, I a miserable sinner, salute and worship the most Sacred Wound of Thy Shoulder on which Thou didst bear Thy heavy Cross, which so tore Thy Flesh and laid bare Thy Bones as to inflict on Thee an anguish greater than any other Wound of Thy Most Blessed Body. I adore Thee, O Jesus most sorrowful; I praise and glorify Thee and give Thee thanks for this most sacred and painful Wound, beseeching Thee by that exceeding pain and by the crushing burden of Thy heavy Cross to be merciful to me, a sinner, to forgive me all my mortal and venial sins, and to lead me on towards Heaven along the Way of Thy Cross. Amen.

After thinking about Jesus and his wound I feel pretty silly crying about trying to get into shape.

Christmas was Great


I am/was so tired!  I'm really needing to take better care of myself as far as eating and exercise.  I struggled right before Christmas with mixed emotions- at times I would be out and so happy I would cry and other times I would just cry.  It's such an emotional time of year and I'm still adjusting to my new life.

Sometimes I freak a little because getting cancer at 40 seems young and well what the heck am I going to be like at 60......or will I see 60.  I've learned at Doorways to Healing that there is good and bad - positive and negative in EVERYTHING!  I've used what I learned to reflect on my situation and YES- 40 is young for cancer- BUT it is also young to experience healing and Jesus.  I did always admire people I would see at church who I knew had either seen or felt something from God.  In the beginning of my being sick - I thought to myself will I ever be that enlightened?  Well it finally did happen for me - many blessings came to me during my treatment and I am so lucky to have gotten them. 
One of my favorite Christmas gifts this year is a book:
Never Give Up
by Joyce Meyer

I admire Joyce and this book speaks of Relentless Determination to Overcome Life's Challenges - which I need!  I love this book because it is motivational AND it includes God through the book.  God is definitely HUGE in my life and to have a book like this is a God sent.  I happened upon this book while shopping with Rob- I have been praying to the Blessed Mother and Jesus to please help me to carry on and do what I'm suppose to do and this book is just what I need to help me.       

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas-
and if you are looking for a Miracle in your life you may want to read Joyce's book

Thank you God and everyone who prayed!

Blood test back and it was fine.

No big problems just showing I'm anemic- so maybe some blood studies.  I have been really tired lately and one morning this week mom found me asleep in my car.  YiKes

I am thrilled about my blood test- but I have to say it was torture waiting and it got worse when I knew they had the results, but hadn't read them yet.  I didn't think I could stand it....thought about taking a pill, but instead I prayed, cried, prayed more!  By the time I found out I was wore out from all the worry- totally drained!  Oh and I'll be sporting a coldsore for Christmas thanks to stressing so much!   My mom was with me when I got my results and I just cried and she hugged me till I stopped.
We always need our mom!

God heard and answered the prayers!  St. Theresa has been there for me every time I ask her.

I'm grateful to everyone who prays for me.  I know I was healed and blessed because of everyone praying for me.  I LOVE YOU so much!  Now I have to serve my Lord and maybe teach others of the power and love of God and his people.

Well no results for at least a week.

Rob and I years from now

I had an absolute horrible day yesterday!  We got a late start and never made it to my appointment because when I called to say we were stuck in traffic in PA they informed me that Dr. Seidman had to leave early due to a family emergency.  As I sat pulled over on the side of the highway and the nurse was telling me I had to reschedule I lost it.  I handed the phone to Rob and just felt like I wanted to explode!

I dreaded this blood test and now I have to have it hang over my head all through Christmas when I mentally prepared myself for results by Friday - Monday at the lastest.

 Rob insisted I get the blood test here and then Dr. Seidman's nurse can read it for me- Yeah!  I went today and had the blood drawn and they told me it takes a week for results of one of the 3 tests they are running.....Which one I ask.......Oh just the CA 15-3 better know as Cancer Antigen 15-3- the most important ONE!  UGH.  What is wrong with me I'm now totally upset again!

OK- I did get a hold of myself and I'm trying really hard to get into Christmas, but I'm totally not digging it at the moment.  Not nice of me- I know.

So when I went to the office for my blood work there was a huge line and so many of the people are up in age!  It can be so depressing, but at this point in my life I LOVE old people!  As I was getting ready to pray I seen this little old lady who may have well been Santa Claus - that is how happy she made me feel.  She was wearing the cutest beret and had a little snowman on her coat.  She had a walker and moved so slow and she was inspiring to me.  She got up this morning and put that cute beret on- WOW.  I myself didn't even want to get up this morning!  I was hoping she would look at me because I actually do look for the face of God in people I see- SO I STARED AT HER.  How bad is that, but I thought if she looks at me I may see God and he will see me.?...  I prayed to myself and just stared and finally as she was taking off her coat she looked at me and gave me a big smile.  Oh the joy- it felt good.  As she took her coat off I could see she was wearing the most beautiful gold pendant of the Blessed Mother

- WOW.   I was so happy - I complemented her on her pin and she continued to sit down and read her book.  I too wear my pendants always unless I need to wear something that calls for a different necklace and then I feel horrible about it.  That rarely happens.  I wear mine because like her I am devoted to my belief that God is with me and my medals confirm that.  In that sense I feel like an old person-my medals are so important too.   As I was watching all these old people coming and going I thought to myself-  Oh how I remember thinking I never want to get old and now I look at these creatures and I love them.  They know something that I don't because they lived a lot more than me.  They are so strong and as I watched the old guy sleeping in his chair,  the guy making jokes as he stood there with his IV in hand, the little lady with the snowman pin, the little lady with 1 arm, the ones walking with canes I thought "I can't wait to get old"!  They have something special about them that I want.  They are just trucking along doing what they want with no fear they aren't bothered by the small stuff, but they actually enjoy the small stuff.  And some of them just look like really tough bad a$$e$- even the little old ladies - have it in them- if it comes down to a fight they'll kick butt.

I hate calling them old......we need another WORD something that says STRONG, DETERMINED, NO NONSENSE,  PEACE and LOVE.  How about wow he was so WISE or Gee she is so RESPECTED.  OK I'm babbling.

Tell me these guys aren't some of the toughest around 

What Arnold may not know is that these women are a lot stronger then even him

See what I mean  

Yep their old but don't know it!

and don't much care

Love this lady 

I don't think anyone is going to tell her anything

Not at her age

Yeah Right

I'm getting better and I just may get stronger through this holiday of eagerly awaiting my results.

I was so SUPER excited to receive an invitation to my pastor's open house- I LoVe his open house!

This weekend we have a Christmas party with some fun friends - Rob and I look forward to it all year.  We eagerly awaited that invitation as well.

I need to get busy on my Christmas cards- We are receiving some great cards!
            

Christmas Novena

Should have posted this yesterday, but I won't even say it!

To be said from November 30 till Christmas

15 times a day- you can divide them up say like 5 at each meal or say them all at once 

Christmas Novena

Christmas Anticipation Prayer

Hail, and blessed be the hour and moment

At which the Son of God was born

Of a most pure Virgin

At a stable at midnight in Bethlehem

In the piercing cold

At that hour vouchsafe, I beseech Thee,

To hear my prayers and grant my desires

(Mention your request[s] here).

Through Jesus Christ and His most Blessed Mother.

Hope Prayer

I meant to post this sooner!

A couple weeks ago when I was very down, I came across this prayer card in a church in Connecticut. 

I felt so hopeless so this card was very special.

Message of Hope

Dear Lord

When I am worried,

send your gift of HOPE

to calm my fears.

When I am burdened,

send your gift of HOPE,

to lighten my load.

When I am lonely, send

your gift of HOPE to

brighten my day.

And when all seems

hopeless, send your gift

of hope to inspire me

and fill me with your love.

\

Here's the back of the card:

Saint Jude's Prayer

O GLORIOUS APOSTLE, ST JUDE THADDEUS, FAITHFUL SERVANT AND FRIEND OF JESUS, THE NAME OF THE TRAITOR HAS CAUSED YOU TO BE FORGOTTEN BY MANY, BUT THE CHURCH INVOKES YOU UNIVERSALLY AS THE PATRON OF HOPELESS CASES AND THINGS DESPAIRED OF:  PRAY FOR ME THAT I MAY RECEIVE THE CONSOLATION AND SUCCOR OF HEAVEN IN ALL MY NECESSITIES, TRIBULATIONS AND SUFFERINGS, PARTICULARLY (HERE MAKE YOUR REQUEST) AND THAT I MAY BLESS GOD WITH YOU AND ALL THE ELECT THROUGHOUT ETERNITY.

AMEN  

Well the truth is I'm not sure how I get in such a slump - I think it's mostly because I worry about cancer.  There is also the whole self image issues, but they are getting better and at times I have to just laugh. 

Going off my Zoloft has been very nice except that I was having some coping problems-BUT I still wasn't ready to trade back to the side effects no matter how stressed I got.

I am on something else really low dose and it seems better for me for now. 

Everyone gets in a slump I know, but my slumps aren't my normal slumps because they go deeper inside me.  I sometimes hate all I have seen, heard, or read, but at the same time I need the knowledge- WEIRD huh? 

All I know is right now I'm so happy and there is not much room for worry.  Thank you Jesus and everyone who prays for me. 

True Word Sunday

Well I wanted Sunday to be about truth and also my faith. 

I don't usually speak of the hard times and struggles I have, but here's some.  Wouldn't want anyone out there to feel like life is so easy because it's not especially in my house this past week.

Today as I was rushing to get to church the religious education director yelled to me "Mrs. Podrazil......what a great evangelist you are!"  What a wonderful compliment.  My life these days have been difficult; not so sure why.  I guess healing from my cancer is going through stages and at this point I'm mad.  I have a real short fuse especially with my husband and well everyone.  I really don't like this characteristic- it makes me feel so bad.  I struggle all the time with fear of cancer and I'm also concerned about my faith.  I'm lost as to what God may want for me and I have started to pray for a little direction, but nothing is coming to me.
I would love to be a great evangelist and maybe help others join or come back to church, but I definitely don't feel qualified to do that.  I don't know how to express all the grace and love you recieve from God if only you ask.  I mean I am far far from perfect and I have some major screw ups in my life, and all I did was ask for forgiveness and not only did I get it i also got so much more.

As I walked with this woman this morning she asked how I was doing and feeling and I told her good.  We talked about how nice my hair is.....yes it is nice.  And I - I LOVE my hair!  I am grateful for all God and the saints did for me, but at times I feel ungrateful because I have a bad attitude.  I mean I can be real mean and that is so unchristian.  The lady then said, "It's a miracle."  Was it really?  Absolutely- I would have never gone to that doctor appointment if it hadn't been for some strange things that happened.  I need to thank God for saving me.

So the truth is I am far from being where I want to be as far as my spirituality, but I notice when I've fallen and I do get back up.  I may need all the angles and saints and God more now than ever!  I want to be as close to God when I'm healthy as I was when I was so afraid of dying.  I battle with thoughts in my head of dying of cancer and this may be in part because I read up on cancer a lot.  I also follow 2 blogs I love that are by women in stage 4 of their disease - this brings me hope as much as it brings me pain.  The other day I read one and she spoke about missing the days of when she first had cancer and they got rid of it and she went on her way so happy.  Well I am sitting here missing the days when I didn't even have cancer.  The truth is we are all going to die and years from now I may be sitting somewhere wishing I was back to this day.  I am living my days so afraid of dying and I'm not dying I'm ALIVE.  I'm fought so hard to live and here I am living, but not really because I'm afraid of dying- Ugh!

Well after reading what she had written I have a new attitude to try hard to remember everyday - I'm alive and it's a good life just because I'm alive!  I need to be grateful for all I've been given and I need to find my way of giving back to this beautiful world and my God.

And thats a couple of truths I've got that I don't like to share.       

October 6, 2009

OK- I'm only recalling things for a couple of reasons
1. I am still amazed that I made it through
2. I want to make it clear how exactly I handled such bad news
and I won't be reliving this every year...this is it!

It was a Tuesday- I had a biopsy the Thursday before and the Doctor told me that I should call the office on Wednesday (Oct 7th) for results.  I was to call because I could be somewhere where I would want to be to receive my results.  He said he would call me sooner if it wasn't cancer.

I went to work which is actually in my parent's home.  I have an office there I work out of.  I hadn't actually started working because I was having a hard time getting up those days and I would get to work and chat with my mother for a bit.  I was praying every morning and every night- so that is part of the reason my days would get delayed.

Phone rings
Mom:  Danielle it's Bobbie (not her real name)
Me: Hello Bobbie (by now I was thinking oh it's going to be good news)
Bobbie:  Hi Danielle- Are you somewhere where you can talk?
Me: Yes
Bobbie:  Remember what we talked about at your appointment?  (If you would like to hear about that appointment I back posted it- because I wasn't sure about posting it at all it's HERE)
Me: Yes
Bobbie:  It is malignant(((((((((no idea what exactly was said here- some sort of cancer details))))))))))))
Me:  What was the name again?
Bobbie: Invasive Ductal Carcinoma
Me:  Can you spell that?
Me: I wrote it out.....and that's all I remember of that phone call

I guess I told my mom that yes it's cancer.
I must have called Rob and don't remember that conversation.  Rob was working.
Called my father, but couldn't reach him.  Dad was at golf.
Called Rob's parents.  They were going to go to Rob, but I couldn't remember where he was working.

Then it was mom and me- that morning when I was leaving my house I took a sheet with scriptures I was reading and I asked my mom to sit down with me and I would say them.

God's Word will bring you into the Presense of the One who loves you most.  
True Happiness isn't found in the absences of trials.
It is found in the Presence of Jesus.  Even in the midist of our storm, Jesus promises to give us hope and strength to overcome.
Knowing Him is knowing true Peace with your heart.  When you fellowship with Him, nothing or no one can take away that Peace.
Spending time with Jesus shuts all doors of darkness.  With Jesus, comes strength, great courage and fortitude to endure all things.
Phillippians4

There were other scriptures, but this 1st one is so powerful even to me now.  How fitting it was.  That just happened to be the hand-out that night at healing mass at St. Mary's.
So as the scripture said - I spent a lot of time with Jesus!  That's how I could do it...with faith in God.

I don't remember everything so well and that's good.  I know I didn't cry.  I do remember that day mom taking me to Wegmans and the book store.  How funny - but I think we were both thinking "research and eating to cure my cancer".

The days that followed were a lot of praying, talking, walking, reading, and meditating.  I found so much comfort in my parents.  I found myself distant from Rob and especially Lucas- I was terrified of having to cause them any pain.  It felt better to keep away from them- so if anything bad did happen it wouldn't be so painful.  It's wierd how that works and feels when you are so afraid of dying.

Recently my dad remembered that this day was approaching because of his golf outing....that day he got the call before sitting down with his buddies to eat; he told his friends he couldn't stay and came right home.  He was already getting me in touch with other women and researching hospitals.
Dad said to me just the other day when he mentioned about it- "We're the better for it Danielle"
He's right...even though at times it doesn't feel that way- we are.