Problems

 Struggles~Challenges

Life can be so hard sometimes......All of us run into some really big problems and just the thought of having to deal with it makes us not want to even think about it.

Right now I'm dealing with heartbreak over a church matter.

At times it's just so much hurt I don't want to deal.

I know a few girls going through some REAL challenges!!

Alcoholism

Relationship Problems

Cancer

Anorexia

Depression

Abusive People in their life

Church Issues

Since I've been sick I seem to feel things a bit deeper.  The one day I was shopping at a store and I seen a girl standing in front of the workout equipment and it was painful to just look at her.  She was SO SO skinny.  I wanted to just grab her and hug her and say something...anything.  Lucas could see me looking at her and he too could see she was way too skinny.  I said to him- that poor girl- I feel like I should talk to her.......Lucas was like "NO MOM".  He's probably right.  I mean I have no idea what she is going through and what advice could I possibly give her.  Sometimes we get advice from people who really have no experience or knowledge of your problems yet they give advice......I try to never speak on something I haven't yet experienced myself.  SO what do you do?  Well I guess I feel comfortable telling people that I feel bad and that I don't understand, but I do CARE for them.  I felt a love for that girl for what reason I have no idea why.  I don't think I felt sorry for her- because she was a great girl, but I would hate to see her die or suffer.  I guess it's what you call compassion.  As I was walking around the store thinking about why I care so much for her I heard this, "Miss- I'm not on the clock right now, but is there anything I can help you with?"  and there she stood not on the clock ready to help ME!  What a sweet thing to do.  I had a little conversation with her just about Father's day, but I was thankful for her kindness.  I still think about her- I guess praying for her is what I should do.   It's hard for me to not try and do more for her, because I just love people and I could feel she is a good soul.

So if I had to give advice to anyone it would be this:

When I have a problem I go through this:
1. Get yourself physically ready for change (it's a natural flow that problems will lead to change before going away)- Eat Good, Exercise, Get Rest.

2. Pray

3. Look around- who around you has been there?  Get help from truthful, nonjudgmental, loving people.

4. Research- knowledge even on the tough stuff is all good.  If you need help with that- search out a good researcher who will not pass judgement.

5. Act......after all of the above a solution should present itself.  And when you act - Act Honestly and with as much Love as possible.

6. And when it's hard and you find it to hard to follow through- Repeat 1 and 2 and hang with people that help and love you.

All through out this process you should also be able to go to your family, but sometimes you may need to figure out your ACT before you do that.  I tend to go to my family, but I know some people don't have that option.

So in the end I'm not really trying to give advice, except to maybe myself!  I tend to get wrapped up in a problem and forget about the little process that has helped me before in times of dilemma.

I wish none of us had to go through this stuff!  But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and in the end even death is just another change to something better.

I love you!
Danielle

True Word Sunday

Well it's Sunday and I'm home sick with time to write.....WATCH OUT....lol.

124.0- Friday morning weigh-in.
Yeah ......... Except I've been sick. Nasty cold.
My eating and exercise has been all goofed up thanks to this wonderful cold I have.  I can't wait to feel better.  I have a busy week ahead and I'd really like to get back to a routine.  I miss feeling well.  Today I stayed home while Lucas and Rob went to church and I felt horrible.  I was thinking back to when I was in treatment and staying home while they went to church.  I hate being alone and them going about without me.  I fear dying still.  I know it doesn't help when I follow blogs or know people fighting cancer that has come back, but there is no way to escape cancer; it is all around.  I can't let my fear keep me from others who I care about. 

We passed on the survivor dinner this year and I think Rob was relieved to not go to something cancer related.  Not sure how I feel.  I would like to celebrate surviving more- but I'm still scared at times.
I have 3 doctor appointments coming up- 1 will be with my surgeon and she will review my mamo, 1 will be with my oncologist and he will order my blood test to see how I'm doing that way, and 1 will be with my plastic surgeon and I don't know what the point of that appointment will be...follow up I guess.

It's been a couple of beautiful days and on Saturday morning I seen the most beautiful butterfly outside my front window.  I know it was from my grandmother.  I miss her so.  I wish she could have seen more of Lucas.  I loved spending time with her.  A grandmother's love is so very special.  I hope she had a good Mother's day in heaven.

I had a great Mother's day with my mom who I love so very much.  We were at mass together and then Rob and Lucas made us breakfast.  I have the best mother.  So many times I find myself so thankful for the mom I had/have.  I don't know how she did all she did.  I have a ways to go to be as good as her. 

Lucas gave me the most wonderful Mother's day gifts that he shopped all on his own.  More special than the gifts was the beautiful card he picked out for me.  I had to keep reading.  He added his own special note:  Thank you Mom-  You help me with sports and school and without you I don't know how I would do it.  I owe almost everything I do to you. 

How is it Lucas get's me a guardian angel when I need it?

His card made me cry.  He is so grateful and I am so blessed.  I want to always be there for him!  I could never make up for all his dad has not done for him, but I would die trying.  I believe Lucas will be a wonderful man in spite of his father's horrible example.  I don't like to speak too much of Lucas' father, but when I do it will be the truth.  Lucas deserves to always know who he is and where and what he has come from.  I never want Lucas to carry the guilt his father would gladly give him.  It's hard to speak the truth, but you are only here once so let the truth fly!!!  I pray his father will one day see the light.
And I thank God for the two amazing men who have helped me the most with raising a man-
My dad and Rob.

God giving me little bits

Last Easter season I had A LOT of time for prayer and I felt so close to God.  This year has been so busy and I often feel bad because I haven't prayed as much as I would like.  I often wonder what God thinks and is it really bad to not pray as much.  Then I think about it and think about it and I almost don't even feel God and I get scared.  Well he is there and he does speak to me in ways I may have not noticed if I hadn't gotten so close to him.  The praying I did was intense and beautiful.  Recently helping at church I was talking with our priest and he explained how last Easter season he too was sick and was all caught up on all his prayers by the time Easter came.   I felt so much better- he too struggles at time with time!

So I often wonder

What does God want from me?

and

Am I doing what God wants?

Well the other day while talking with a friend about cancer and how much it sucked I said this: "We were saved for a reason and now we have to figure out what we need to do".  I'm not even sure why I shared this with her, but it just flowed out of me.  So then I got to thinking more about what it is I'm suppose to be doing.

So as it has happened to me in the past I got a piece of an answer.  When I went to church today I was talking with a friend who now has cancer in her life and she said this to me: "We wonder why these things happen to good people and it just may be to help someone else along"    

As soon as she said that I knew God is with me still and he will guide me if I just listen.   

True Word Sunday

My life be like Ooh Ahh

Grits

It's times like these that make me say,

Lord if you see me please come my way.

Leavin bread crumbs for when I stray

Rely on sacrifice and the price you paid

Feel me like a fingertip

(flow fingertip flow fingertip)

Sometimes I fall I slip

Got a heartfelt desire be more like you

Trying not to quench your fire by the things that i do

I'm on an island by my lonesome stranded

Low key and stayin’ candid

Reflectin on the things I try my hand at

Search for the equations to persuasions I'm used to

Findin comfort in the zones of closet bones I get loose to

A mountainous fontaine,

Spinnin and monsoonin

Grinnin its high octane

This worlds out wacky

Rollin down the hills cause lifes a hassle

Encircled by my folly like a moat surround a castle

Stay afloat,

Catch a second wind thin is the air I breathe

Teary-eyed nose runnin, wipe the snot on my sleeve

I'm callin on my savior to be all that I need

Please forgive me my behavior had me lost at light speed

CHORUS

The fear of never falling in love

And the tears after losing the feelings

Of what you thought love was

Like the dirt still up under the rug

(My life be like)

Bad characteristics covered in Christ's blood

The joy of new birth and the pain of growing up

The bliss between giving my all and giving up

The highs and lows,

Paths and roads I chose

In the cold I froze

Trying to ease my woes

In this world of sin

Clothes to thin to fend

So to God I send

Words of help to win

In grumblings so deep letters could never express

So the sounds of Ooh Ahh beneath my breath projects

CHORUS

My life be like (Toby Mac)

My life be like ooh aah ooh

Dum dum diddy

Here comes that boy from the capital city

Last up on the Grits new ditty

But eight bars of the truth will do, eh

I believe there's a pride thats stunning,

And I believe in the kingdom coming

I believe if you seek the truth,

You don't need to look far cuz it's gonna find you

So why, oh why, do I trip and stumble?

And ooh ahh as commitments crumble?

I can't believe that I'm hear again

CHORUS

After everything I've been through I still stumble and feel real bad for my sins.  Thank goodness he loves me so much to forgive me constantly.

  

Ture Word Sunday- I'll let you know when I need that nipple.

 Well I finally decided I won't be getting my nipple early March.  Up until now I pretty much just went along with everything during my reconstruction with not much opinion.  I think I've been doing that because I'm just grateful to be alive and sometimes I think "who the hell do you think you are wanting breasts that match?"  I don't know what it is; I guess it's the cancer that scares the hell out of you and makes you realize you have no control.  Well it seems like we have no control. 

I'm soooooo disappointment with my super slow weight lose almost to the point of saying hell on it.  EXCEPT for the fact that I feel my body getting stronger and it feels so good.  I do have pain- but it's from working out.  My affected side does hurt sometimes, but I'm sure that's to be expected.  I pay no favor to that arm and do everything anyone else would do.  In my Pilates I actually moved up a notch on my springs and that was great.  No one knows how bad I felt before- being tired and my weak legs were very different for me.  I have never had problems like that and it was scary and plain sucked.  I know I'm getting stronger and it feels so good.  I would love to just celebrate that, but my weight puts a damper on it.  People don't say as much about my weight and that's nice, but we are all our own worst critic.  I was really hoping to be down to my pre-chemo weight before going for my nipple, but it's clear to me that's just not possible right now.  I wanted to lose the weight to see where my breasts will be at- like as far as matching. 

I have also been trying to read up and research nipple tattoos- I don't know, but I would think there are some that are better than others doing tattoos.  I hear there are some artists who are great at 3D tattoos so wouldn't that be nicer?  I mean couldn't doc make my nipple and an artist tattoo it?  Researching this stuff is hard for me because I don't really like looking at medical stuff and even seeing someone get a tattoo bothers me a bit.

I don't know when I'm going to get down to that weight- I do feel like it will happen.

I take a look back at me the Christmas before I started chemo (after my surgeries)

Then I see a picture from after chemo during radiation and I get so upset

Oh good heavens!

Then I see a picture we took this weekend and I can see I have made some improvement

It's hard gaining that weight and seeing myself so heavy and my breast scars meaning my underarm area are equally as hard to take on some days.  I actually realized I was better off shaving under my arm with a nose trimmer........laugh go ahead it is a bit funny.   I realized this weekend there are somethings I just can't wear anymore.....well I could, but it certainly wouldn't look right.   

I know I'm being a real baby and should just be grateful- but at some point I'm hoping to get some guts back- Can't I be gracefully ballsy?  Postponing my nipple is a step in the right direction.  Oh, but now I won't have a nipple for our family vacation- darn it. lol

All this deformed crap brings me to my next book- When I seen this guy on the book store shelf I immediately fell in love with him.  I know he will be an inspiration to me and how refreshing he's a dog.     

  

    

What a wonderful true story

So no nipple till I'm good and ready!
Even though I'm whining.......
I'm actually really happy these days - I love my family, friends and faith in GOD.

What I learned from my house plant

As I was growing up I learned to always help those in need. This spilled over to animals and then plants.

I remember my parents always there to help someone. They also picked up any stray or injured animal. This did pass on to my brother and myself.

Some of my fondest memories of lending a hand:

Mom helping an elderly lady in the pouring rain at Kmart. We ended up helping this woman get home after shopping at Kmart. Her name was Gracie and she was the cutest little character. We became friends with Gracie, but after a while I don't know what happened with Gracie- BUT I did keep this

Gracie made pins out of eye glass lenses....I LOVE this PIN! It's in my repair bin.

My father bringing home the saddest, sickest looking dog I had ever seen. My father carried her down to the basement and made her a bed, she couldn't even hold her head up. He feed her by hand and she lived. We named her Owego because that is the town my father found her in. We always imagined her living with an old guy who probably died. Owego ran away a few times and ran far.........we assumed she was trying to get back home. She lived a long time and was the best dog you could ever have.

My brother bringing home the blackest, worse smelling dog I ever smelled. I think he found him one day at work. No one ever claimed him so he became our pet and his name was Spooky. Spooky was a little on the "not so smart" side, but so lovable. Spooky too would run away or I should say walk off, I don't believe he was headed anywhere. One time someone actually tried to keep Spooky and well we had to break him out of someones backyard.

Me- well I think the funniest and saddest thing I brought home was a baby possum. I was driving one night and I seen a dead possum (pretty big) in the middle of the road. Then I seen some little ones on the other side of the road running away. But then I seen a little one on the road by the mom looking confused. I pulled over and thankfully Lucas had a bug box in the car so I scooped it into the box. I wasn't sure if it would make it on it's own so I took it home. I put the box in the bathtub and had nightmares all night of it getting out. Possums makes a weird noise and it was freaking me out the whole time. In the morning I called around and no one had any interest in helping me and one guy even yelled at me for bringing it home. I was honestly just trying to help the little thing. In the end a very kind lady agreed to take him for me. I was so relieved for that little guy- he was going to be O.K.

There were many others through the years and some of the stories were not so happy. We shed a lot of tears for little creatures who didn't make it. We also had our share of people in our lives that no matter how much you tried to help them they couldn't get their footing. We always felt good that we did all we could to help.

Baby bunny........mom met with our neighbors lawn mower.


So then as I got older I also felt bad for plants! No idea why- Years ago I was working in a salon and they had some wonderful plants. They had a "plant lady" who came in and cared for them so they were beautiful. Well one day as I was going into work and I seen she put a little plant out for the garbage....if they didn't look good they were out. I don't know what it was about this plant, but I couldn't just let it go to the dump. After my shift I took the plant the home that was 16 years ago.



So now she is not doing well. I don't know what happened- all these years she was great. A couple years ago she actually had beautiful smelling flowers that she never had before. I feel so bad she is dying. I felt especially bad because after we moved into Rob's house I keep her at my mom's because we didn't have room at Rob's.




I will miss her....yes I'm that sentimental! She gave me a lot of calming beauty in my homes over the years. I was so sad to see her getting sick, but just like that time she gave me flowers for no apparent reason she now give me a another surprise. I am no plant expert so all this seems so strange to me. A baby is sprouting up!

As I watch her die I too feel like a piece of me has died over these past few months, but now I will be new again.

Here she is with the little guy!

What I learned from my house plant:
Helping others can lead to New Beginnings just when things were everyday humdrum.


Humdrum has ended for us............Bring on the New Beginning!

Last chemo April 19th.......Hair Growth June 5

I have stubble coming in for brows, the cutest little eyelashes and I'm starting to love my breasts after some very emotional up and downs. :)